Politicians are like sperm

For every 100 million of them, one might just become a human being

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

What do seniors trust less then politicians?

Farts.

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".



Edit: *To everyone making jokes in the comments comparing politicians to pigs, please stop.
It's really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all that bad.*

What is the difference between UFOs and honest politicians

People have actually seen UFOs

Did you know that politicians pay almost nothing for their funerals?

It's an old morticians secret. You just give them an enema and put them in a shoe box.

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Why are strippers such good politicians?

‘Cause they’re good on the polls.

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.

“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village...

Politicians go on a vacation

Politicians go on a vacation by bus.
The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.

The following day the police question the farmer:

\- Did you not find any victims?
\- Actually, I did.
\- And where are they?
\- Well,...

Politicians and diapers need to be changed often...

For the same reasons.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:

They should both be changed regularly, for the same reason.

How do you know when it’s really cold in Washington DC?

Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

In a hole

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days la...

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

100 politicians walked into a bar...

... and nothing got done

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Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

What is the difference between flying pigs and politicians?

The letter f

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

Jellyfish and politicians are pretty similar.

They don't have hearts or brains only stomachs.

Politicians these days.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “...

Why Republican politicians have a better system than Democrat politicians do.

Democrat politicians bribe their supporters, but Republican supporters bribe their politicians!

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars.

All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!

Do you know what we would call ‘COVID-19’ if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If politicians are able to poop...

than why are they always so full of shit?

Politicians in the US remind me of British teeth.

Some are sharp, most are white, and all are crooked.

A bus full of politicians crashed in a remote village.

Days later, when the reporters went there they found that all the corpses have been buried. And they went to the village chief to ask about the details. He told them how it was raining and that their bus lost control and crashed into a tree.
And then the politicians in the bus were screaming that...

With all these Politicians testing Positive for COVID-19...

It looks like Trump kept his promise to drain the swamp.

Did you here that all newly elected politicians have to take an updated oath of office?

It’s now called the Hypocratic Oath...

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to assure the public that they’re doing everything they can to fix the issue while the other screws the bulb into a faucet.

The vaccine's trial should be done on politicians first

If they survive the vaccine is safe, if they don't the country is safe.

Why do politicians tend to appear in movie cameos ?

Because they are such good actors.

Why can't politicians get insurance?

Too much lie-ability.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cannibal attends a restaurant ran by another cannibal

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and browsed the menu:

\*Grilled Tourist $5.00

\*Broiled Missionary $10.00

\*Fried Explorer $15.00

\*Diced Marine $20.00

\*Baked Politician $1000.00

The cannibal called a waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for p...

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

3. 2 argue about wether or not the lightbulb exists, and 1 to actually change it

It would be really scary if politicians worked shiftwork

There would be so many night mayors

A group of politicians started a band

with Al Gore as the drummer. Old Al could never get the hang of keeping time, though: he would play 3/4 beats on 4/4 songs and 2/4 beats on 3/4 songs. It was always a mess, but the band tried to work through things and kept playing shows in spite of Al's problems. Obviously, they weren't very suc...

What do you call a body of water made up of politicians?

Bay of Pigs.

Also works with “What do you call a body of water made up of cops?”

A plane with famous and influential politicians onboard crashes into a field.

When the authorities arrive they find no survivors or dead bodies on the spot. It soon turns out that a local farmer buried them a bit further away.

The investigators ask him if he is sure there were no survivors, but he confirms that he buried each of them with his two hands.

The doct...

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A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do politicians and my gf have in common?

They both are fucking liars (I know this is oddly specific, I’m not ok right now)

Politicians are rushing to Venus.

This after news that the local population absolutely *lives* for hot air.

What kind of bears make the best politicians?

Pander Bears

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