A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.

“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village...

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

Why US politicians are banned from plastic surgeries?

Can’t find any tools to cut open their skins

Politicians are like diapers.

You should change them often and for the same reasons. - (not) Mark Twain

Why do politicians tend to appear in movie cameos ?

Because they are such good actors.

Politicians in the US remind me of British teeth.

Some are sharp, most are white, and all are crooked.

The vaccine's trial should be done on politicians first

If they survive the vaccine is safe, if they don't the country is safe.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

3. 2 argue about wether or not the lightbulb exists, and 1 to actually change it

We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars.

All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!

It would be really scary if politicians worked shiftwork

There would be so many night mayors

With all these Politicians testing Positive for COVID-19...

It looks like Trump kept his promise to drain the swamp.

A group of politicians started a band

with Al Gore as the drummer. Old Al could never get the hang of keeping time, though: he would play 3/4 beats on 4/4 songs and 2/4 beats on 3/4 songs. It was always a mess, but the band tried to work through things and kept playing shows in spite of Al's problems. Obviously, they weren't very suc...

What do Politicians & Diapers have in common?

The both have to be changed often & for the same reason...

What kind of bears make the best politicians?

Pander Bears

Why can't politicians get insurance?

Too much lie-ability.

A bus full of politicians crashed in a remote village.

Days later, when the reporters went there they found that all the corpses have been buried. And they went to the village chief to ask about the details. He told them how it was raining and that their bus lost control and crashed into a tree.
And then the politicians in the bus were screaming that...

Politicians are rushing to Venus.

This after news that the local population absolutely *lives* for hot air.

A plane with famous and influential politicians onboard crashes into a field.

When the authorities arrive they find no survivors or dead bodies on the spot. It soon turns out that a local farmer buried them a bit further away.

The investigators ask him if he is sure there were no survivors, but he confirms that he buried each of them with his two hands.

The doct...

Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all?

Anyone sorting by new.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It takes two.

One to explain how they understand the impact of the light bulb being out, and to tell you how they're putting all their efforts into changing this light bulb, and they're forming a study group to figure out the best way to go about it.

And the other one to screwed into a...

What do you call a body of water made up of politicians?

Bay of Pigs.

Also works with “What do you call a body of water made up of cops?”

Do you know what we would call ‘COVID-19’ if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

Two trustworthy, reliable and good politicians walk down a flight of stairs

Trump says to Putin:

"Also taking the elevator today?"

Stop blaming politicians

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to assure the public that they’re doing everything they can to fix the issue while the other screws the bulb into a faucet.

What seperates politicians and liars?

The "and"

Politicians should be limited to two terms.

One in office and one in prison

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

I guess politicians are just a bunch of chickens.

Ya got the right wing and the left wing.

The difference between Russian and American politicians...

They both try to make people's lives better. But the Russians have a list of people in mind.

Politicians always lie...

Didn't John F. Kennedy promise to serve a full term?

Damn politicians

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning t...

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened?

FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe ...

Politicians are like air freshener

They don’t solve problems. They cover them up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do politicians and my gf have in common?

They both are fucking liars (I know this is oddly specific, I’m not ok right now)

What’s the difference between politicians and flying pigs?

The letter F

Tried my best to translate an Indian joke

An indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hi...

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for all the politicians.

It must be quite inconvenient to remove their mask everytime before taking a shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Politicians are like toilet paper

One minute crowds chasing them.

Then they get elected.

Next thing, people would rather put them on their butthole.

Why do politicians words travel at the speed of light?

Because they don’t matter!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What symptom exists in all the politicians?

Constipation. Because they are so full of shit all the time.

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

Politicians take a lot of flak for everything they do.

Can we all just appreciate the lives they save by all donating their spines to charity as soon as they take office?

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Two Pakistani politicians Sharif and Shahbaz moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.

They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.

Shahbaz said, "Paul was handsome and tall."...

If politicians are gonna screw us...

...at least make them attractive

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