A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."
I've spent three sleepless nights trying to think of a mountain pun.
I'm starting to think I won't Everest.
A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.
\-Client: is room 39 empty?
\-Boss: yes, sir.
\-Client: can I book it?
\-Boss: of course you can.
\-Client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...
There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.
Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from ...
William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...
And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally? He struggles and struggles. Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...
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A man takes a business trip to a small town in a remote valley...NSFW
and when he checks into the only hotel in the town, he quietly asks the manager:
"Y'know, do you have any girls here, for, uh, 'nighttime favours'?"
"Not really", the manager answers, "we only have Bob."
The man is a bit confused, replies "Hm, no thank you" and goes to his room...
What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic do?
Stays up at night sleepless, wondering endlessly if there really is a dog.
In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.
He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.
As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.
But before he could han...
The Drums Must Not Stop
A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.
The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink ...
My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet
After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!
I got a B+
A man’s car breaks down on a dim lot road in the middle of no where.
He calls a mechanic to come but he won’t be able to get to him till the next morning and it’s getting quite cold. He gets out his car and starts walking down the road to see if he can find anyone to help him. About 5 minutes down the road he finds a monastery with some monks in. They invite him in a...
Grover the Grocer and the Shoplifter
Grover the grocer ran a comfortable business, with one recurring malady--a persistent shoplifter named Gwen. Grover knew she was robbing him blind, but couldn't seem to catch her in the act.
This continued for quite a number of years until, as fortune would have it, one day he caught her redh...