UPJOKE
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2011 Jokes

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

I used to like jokes from 2011

But then I took an arrow to the knee

Back in 2011...

My friend predicted the world would end in 2012. I said your guess is as good as Mayan.

2010: Didn't jog.

2011: Didn't jog.

2012: Didn't jog.

2013: Didn't jog.

2014: Didn't jog.

2015: Didn't jog.

2016: Didn't jog.

2017: Didn't jog.

2018: Didn't jog.

2019: Didn't jog.

2020: Didn't jog.

2021: Didn't jog.

2022: Still haven't jogge...

For $1,500,000, a hot young movie producer buys himself a brand-new 2011 Ferrari GTS.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first light, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"

T...

In 2011, a $3,200 cake made for Paris Hilton's birthday was stolen by a party crasher by the name of "Paz".

I've heard party crashers do crazy things but that one takes the cake.

Boss: "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life"!!

Me: "Well It got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago 2011

Boss: "Really"?

Me: "No"

My cat just passed...

RIP Fluffy McMittens

2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017

Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American ...

Aryabhatta, an Indian scientist invented zero in 5 BC.

Legends say that he invented a time machine before zero. He traveled 2011 years in future and counted the number of original jokes on this sub and subtracted the value by 1, this led to the discovery of zero.

Yes this one is an original joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a welfare office...

to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauff...

Proud University Graduates

Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing

their graduation gowns.

Cab Driver : “Are you graduates from the city university?”

Young Graduates: “Yes, sir,” they announced proudly. “Class of 2021.”

Cab Driver : ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big People Words

[Big People Words](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/16/big-people-words/)

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.


The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she wa...

Trump says he will bring Jobs back to America;

The problem is he died on October 5th 2011, and I've never seen anyone brought back like that.

So Beethoven Died...

[So Beethoven Died](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/08/so-beethoven-died/)

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the...

I'm using Internet Explorer so I hope this'll get posted quickly.

I hope you'll have a wonderful year of 2011!

My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...

Buying bitcoin in 2011!

So The Wife Comes Home...

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new Slenderman​ movie is coming out

It's the most anticipated movie of 2011

If I would be a meme it would be Chuck Testa.

I look alive but I've been dead since at least 2011...

Engineers

[Engineers](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/12/engineers)

A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE tick...

What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman?

One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.


Source (Cause I can't claim fame for Victorian era jokes): http://www.historytoday.com/blog/2011/10/victorian-jokes-best-19th-century-humour

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 11th Husband...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”


“Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once In Bed...

[Once In Bed](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/17/once-in-bed/)

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran h...

Alligator Skin Shoes

[Alligator Skin Shoes](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/16/alligator-skin-shoes/#more-1821)

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Congress Man And The Little Girl

[The Congressman and the Little Girl](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/11/the-congress-man-and-the-little-girl/)

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chickens are Illuminati

As of 2011 there is an estimated 19 billion chickens in the world or 3 for every person. What has 3 sides? A triangle. Where can you see triangles? The pyramids. Where are the pyramids? Egypt. What did Egyptians worship? Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs are rivals such as chickens and turkeys. When do p...

My people believe there are spirits on the moon. Would you please take them a message from me? (x-post from r/space)

On 20 July 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the surface of the moon. In the months leading up to their expedition, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. The area is home to several Native American communities, and there is a story –...

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