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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012.

2021\*

In hindsight it’s easy to see that 2012 wouldn’t be the end of the world.

The end of the world had 2020 vision.

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I got this one from the 2012 film 'Lincoln'

Ethan Allen was a Revolutionary War hero who had occasion to visit England shortly after peace was declared. During this trip, Allen’s British hosts pelted him with jokes about Americans and General Washington in particular and one day they got a picture of General Washington which was conspicuously...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Joe Biden says he’s going to restore the “soul” of our nation...

...the McRib will now be available nationwide for the first time since 2012.

The mayans made a typo.

They meant 2021 and not 2012.

Trump and Obama having a private conversation in 2012

Trump: Mr. Obama, out of sheer curiosity, what must I need to do in order to be elected President of the United States?

Obama: President?? You have to be stupid, ignorant, probably delusional to think you can be qualified to be the President of the United States!

Trump: Perfect, I will...

I found some dressing in my fridge that expires on 12-21-2012....

It's called Mayanaisse....

2012 Creepypasta joke

Is the female version of The Rake called The Hoe?

You know a movie which was ahead of its time

A movie about 2020 named 2012 came out in 2009

My wife and i have been happily married for two years

2012 and 2017

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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

This "Kony 2012" is something else...

I haven't seen this many white people interested in whats going on in Africa since Mufasa died.

I haven’t made a post

SINCE LAST YEAR!

I haven’t eaten a meal
SINCE LAST YEAR!

I haven’t seen my friends
SINCE LAST YEAR!

I haven’t felt true happiness
SINCE 2012!

I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

How to name a virus... WHO version:

WHO HQ in 2003:
: There’s a new type of corona virus outbreak in Guangdong province in China.
: Let's call it Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome aka SARS.
: Excellent name. It does not refer to any specific location or people. So no one will be blamed or feared for it.

Also WHO ...

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The Heroic Homeless Man

It’s December 2012, and Christmas is fast approaching. The snow is on the trees, gifts are being bought, and the lake in Central Park is frozen over. Children and the stents are skiing on the ice, having a great time. However suddenly, a little girl falls through the ice. Luckily, a nearby homeless ...

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<...

Dear God: As we approach 2020

Feel free to fulfill that 2012 Prophesy

5 Russian Jokes about Vodka

#1

A Gentleman comes to the shop and asked,

- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.

After Half an hour he comes again and asked again,

- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.

After one hour he comes again and asked to the shopkeeper...

Back in 2011...

My friend predicted the world would end in 2012. I said your guess is as good as Mayan.

Happy New Years 2013!

Hey guys I'm sending this through Internet Explorer, hope you guys had a great 2012!

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[Anecdote] Sometimes friends bring light to even the darkest situations

This happened back when I was in university back in 2012. During those days in my hometown there was an insurgent outfit that was on the verge of extinction but would occasionally surface to issue (empty) threats of violence through the media, particularly before National Holidays since they were a ...

Two blondes meet in college..

one asks the other: "What year are you in?" "Well...2012. you ?"


*Edit. The title could be a joke on its own.

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The elbow

A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a urine sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that onl...

A joke from Korea

"Americans are saying that in 2016, they will either have their first woman president, or their first insane president.

Like what's the big deal? Korea did both in one election cycle back in 2012"

So I got a ticket last night

I was coming back from my friend's gig at a restaurant, where I enjoyed a good Italian dinner an hour prior.

Here's how the initial conversation went:

Cop: "Where have you been tonight?"

Me: "Fratello's Restaurant. My pal was playing guitar for the crowd from 6-9 pm."

Cop...

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Teacher said...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student
from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very ...

I hate it when people mention forgetting about their 2017 problems.

I'm coming into 2018 with 2012 problems

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I was very naive sexually

My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months

- Hayley Ellis, 2012

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"Angry Notes" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

D...

Obama

The Dark Knight (2008) The Dark Knight Rises (2012) Congratulations, Barack Obama.

Conjunctivitis.com

That’s a site for sore eyes

- Tim Vine, 2012

Rorschach's Joke

**Rorschach's Journal August 24, 2012**

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you...

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NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ...

Match at a gas station

On his first day working at the gas station, John watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" John said as a joke.

"It would go out," the ...

The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S manufacturing non-competitive...

Donald Trump, 2012.

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