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1980 Jokes

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

Here's one for those born before the 1980's...

The chief of a large Western African tribe flew into London for a state visit and was being interviewed.

“Welcome to our country, Your Excellency,” said one reporter. “Did you have a good flight?”

The Chief made a strange series of sounds – bells, whistles, hisses, pings in no apparen...

If you insist on making America like Russia in the 1980's...

SO VI ET...

Robin Williams, circa 1980

First cannibal complains, "I hate my mother-in-Law."

Second cannibal replies, "Ehh. Just eat the noodles."

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[NSFW] In the 1980's, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.

And after 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.

In the 2000's, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experi...

Why are 1980 pennies worth more than 1979 pennies? (Dads joke)

The same reason 10 pennies is worth more than 9.

The devil visits Donald Trump in 1980

"I will make you rich. I will give you women. I will make you famous. I will make you president of the United States. All I want in exchange is the souls of your wives and children. They will burn in Hell for all eternity."

Trump thinks about this for a moment.

"So what's the catch?" h...

At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech.

"O!"—applause.

"O!"—more applause.

"O!"—yet more applause.

"O!"—an ovation.

"O!!!"—the whole audience stands up and applauds.

An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, those are the olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"

A friend of mine just saw a documentary on the Chernobyl disaster..

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 8 inaccuracies on one hand

Shakespeare died on same day as Billy Bub, and are at the pearly gates.

(I heard this joke around 1980, so I can't claim ownership)

St. Peter at the pearly gates says, "I'm busy, so I'm considering 2 admissions at a time. Tell me a good poem using the word 'Timbuktu'. Whoever has the better poem gets in."

Shakespeare smiles broadly and says, "I am a great ...

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An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubrican...

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At the urinal

Two man, pissing side by side.

"Sorry sir, do you happen to be of the Jewish faith?"

"Erh... yes I am."

"You are from Krakow?"

"Yes."

"And did you always go to the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street?"

"Yes, do we know each other?"

"I don't think s...

A joke from my grandfather

In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:

Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.

Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.

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A guy walks into a restaurant to drink wine.

When the waiter comes he orders a 1980 wine. The waiter goes to the kitchen, there are almost every type of wine there but can't find a 1980 wine. So he brings a glass of 1970 wine to the customer.
The customer takes a sip from the glass and he says
"This a 1970 wine, go bring me a 1980 wine...

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What do pornography and Heavy Metal have in common?

There was a lot more hair in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

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The Memory Man

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
“That’s the Memory Man.” sa...

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Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

He quaalluded with the Russians

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

A guy has been charged with a crime.

It was selling a potion that makes the person that drinks it immortal, upon inspecting his file, they found him charged with the same crime in 2012, 1980, 1897 and 1769.

When I have a headache, I take an Advil and follow the instructions on the bottle:



"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"



(based on Kauffman, G. and Blakeley M. eds. 1980. Pulling Our Own Strings. Page 51)

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A male pornstar was charged with murder and sentenced to death by hanging. The day before his execution, the warden asked: "what would you like inscribed on your tombstone?"

...

...

...

...



"Hank

1980-2017

He was well hung"

Me: I can’t believe it increased by 1500%.

Professor: I’m sick of hearing about BITCOIN! Nothing can increase by that much and still be a good investment.

Me: I was talking about the price of college tuition since 1980...

“Just hit my hand as hard as you can”

Two workers were digging underground at a construction site . It was really a tiring job.

Worker A: “Why the hell we need to do all the hard job here for only a meager pay, while that arrogant foreman just sits there sipping the tea so comfy, and pockets much more than us?”

Worker B, ...

Soviet Joke

Soviet Union, 1980. Lecturer in village talks about communism. Question from audience.

- Yes, comrade, what's your question?
- Will there ever be true communism?
- Yes, it's just on the horizon
- What's a horizon?
- An imaginary line that keeps moving away from you as you get clos...

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

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A history teacher offers Monday off to the first student who can answer a trivia question as they are leaving on Friday afternoon.

Teacher: "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country' and in what year?"

Japanese Exchange Student: "It was most honorable President John F. Kennedy in 1961."

Teacher: "That is correct. You may have Monday off. The rest of you should be as...

Trivial pursuit.

Years ago, I was playing Trivial Pursuit with my then girlfriend and the category was "Entertainment". Just as I asked her, her question - What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit of the 1980's? A masked gunman burst in & fired, hitting her in the chest before fleeing.

I rushed to her side,...

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