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You Sneeze Jokes

What bacon makes you sneeze?

Peppa Pig

Just curious, if you sneeze in a monastery

Do the priests say "Bless You"?

Or do they just do it?

FUN FACT: If you sneeze and fart at the same time...

Your body takes a screenshot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a plane when the man next to me sneezed, and wiped his knob with a napkin.

I was dumbfounded, but didn't want to make a fuss so I let it go, hoping it just wouldn't happen again. Ten minutes later, the same again: the man sneezed and wiped his knob with a napkin. I was disturbed but decided it must be something medical, so again decided to leave it alone. The third time it...

What do you call it when you sneeze with a dip (tobacco) in?

An ah chew.

Came up with that myself hope you enjoy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say when you sneeze it's ten percent of an orgasm

That's why I sniff pepper during sex, so I can give it one hundred and ten percent

It's allergy season upon us, so remember to say "pika" before you sneeze

and if you forget, just say "bacca" after!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have discovered that when you sneeze the sensation is 1/16 of an orgasm.

Which is why I leave a pot of pepper on my wife’s bedside, because she at least deserves *something*

Stalin and the sneezer

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gets on a plane and takes her seat. A few moments later a man boards the plane and takes the seat next to her.

After about 5 minutes the man sneezes and proceeds to unzip his pants, pull out a hanky and wipes off his dick.

The woman is shocked but doesn't say anything. A few minutes later the man sneezes again and proceeds to pull his dick out and wipe it off. Shocked the woman says to the man, "excu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sneezes on a plane

A man sneezes on a plane. He takes his dick out and wipes it non-chalantly before putting it away and goes back to reading his book. His female seatmate notices but doesn't want to say anything

5 minutes later he sneezes once more. Again, he pulls his dick out, wipes it clean and puts it back...

Add a touch of magic to your cold, by filling your mouth up with glitter....

Before you sneeze.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on an airplane....

...next to this young woman. After a minute of being seated the woman sneezes. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed it looked like she took one tissue and appeared to wipe under her skirt.

“I might be seeing things,” he thought. But not even a couple minutes later she sneezes again. This ...

I wrote a poem too.

I sneeze.
You sneeze.
She sneezes.
He sneezes.
They sneeze.
We sneeze.
Now I know it's not a very original poem, but it's pretty sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

Stalin gives a speech...

Stalin was giving a speech when suddenly he hears a sneeze from the public. He orders the first row to stand up.

"Did any of you sneeze?!"

Everybody is silent. After a few seconds of silence, Stalin orders the people on the first row to be killed. They are all shot, one by one, and Sta...

Teacher: Ok class, can anyone tell me what 'analogy' is?

Student: Analogy is something that makes you sneeze.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman sneezes on an airplane

A man sitting next to a woman on an airplane noticed that everytime she sneezed she had a big smile on her face. After several times he finally built the nerve to ask:
"Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice everytime you sneeze you smile. Why is that?"
"Well", she said, "everytime I sneeze I h...

Little Johnny Back At It

Little Johnny is in class, and they are working in vocabulary.

Miss Jones asks the class "Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?"

Little Mary shoots her hand up in the air, as does Little Johnny. Miss Jones has heard a lot of jokes, so of course she calls Little Mary first...

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