It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

A woman in labor suddenly starts shouting, "Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," the doctor says. "Those are just contractions."

Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"

I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

I saw my wife drunk and shouting at the TV

I saw my wife drunk and shouting at the TV: "Don't go in there! Are you stupid‽ You mustn't set foot in that church!"

She's watching our wedding video again.

A wife is shouting at her husband about not helping her with chores

- I'm cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, while you are sitting all day, waiting for me to bring you a beer. What kind of a husband are you?
- A patient one.

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

This bloke just came in my workplace shouting "vodka, tequila, sambuca!"

I said "Oi! I call the shots round here!"

A man runs into a doctor's office, shouting "Doc, I need your help!"

The doctor asks what's wrong, the guy says "I think I'm a moth".

The doctor says "Sir, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?"

"The light was on."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

My wife started jumping and shouting in the kitchen all of a sudden.

I think it's the leap day.

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I was walking by a mental hospital and heard all of the patients shouting "13...13...13..".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a gap in the planks so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some asshole immediately poked me in the eye with a stick, then they started shouting "14...14...14.."

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.

Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred. He completed his task and went bounding over to the Farmer shouting “Farmer Fred, Farmer Fred…. I chased 40 sheep in to the yard for you”. “40 sheep?” queries Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37”

“I know” says Bob. “I rounded them up”

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During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

A man shouting outside- "if you invest $5, you can sit and relax for the rest of your life".

He was selling chairs.

Two men heard kids shouting 13

Two men were walking down the sidewalk, heading home. They then heard the shouting of kids saying "Yeah, 13! 13!” Celebrating 13.

One of the men walking down the road asks, "What's going on over there? "

The other man sees a small hole in a wooden fence, and replies "I don't know, I'm ...

A woman in labor begins shouting, “shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Can’t! Don’t!”

The doctor turns to the concerned father and says, “Don’t worry. Those are just contractions”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just found out that shouting "Who's the bastard in the black" will get you thrown out of not just football matches, but also funerals.

Sorry Grandma.

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

Knock, knock

*shouting thru door*
“Just leave it outside, Thank you!”

(2020 update)

A man wakes from a coma and immediately starts shouting "I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"

A doctor rushes to his side and says "That's because we amputated your arms."

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer "
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "

The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help....

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

I keep randomly shouting brocolli and cauliflower

I think I may have florettes

Mr. Peterson walks into Cheers, and gets his usual greeting, which is everyone in the bar loudly shouting his first name.

It was funny the first few times, but after that, it became the norm.

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "the end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nieghbour started shouting and screaming about me stealing clothes off her line...

I was so scared, I almost crapped her pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death

First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I st...

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

My mum was shouting at me about my poor sense of direction

I packed my bags and I right

Every year on St Patrick’s Day Saint Patrick comes down out of Heaven and goes to an Irish pub.

This past St Patrick’s day he goes to Murphy’s local pub. Murphy walked in a see St Patrick sitting in the corner of the pub with his big green bishops hat, his green robes and his staff and he asks the bartender “Hey, is that St Patrick sitting in the corner?”

And the bartender says “Well ye...

I was talking to a man with tourettes the other day and he just started shouting at me...

I don’t know what I said but something made him tick!

I said to a Lady at the bus stop, when is it due? She started shouting and swearing, I am not F*cking pregnant.

I replied, I was on about the bus you fat cow..

A russian officer during the winter war hears someone shouting from behind a hill

"one Finnish soldier is worth 10 Russian soldiers!"
Wanting to prove a point the officer sends ten Russians over the hill. After some gunshots and screams the same voice shouts "one Finnish soldier is worth 100 Russian soldiers!" Enraged the officer sends 100 Russian soldiers over the hill. After...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A serial killer was on trial....

The prosecution began its case.

"We allege the accused rendered the victim unconscious and then using his saw .."

At which point a guy at the back shouts out "you rotten bastard"

The judge calls for order and asks the spectators to refrain from shouting out.

The prosecuti...

Engineer professors on a plane...

A plane full of engineering professors were planned to go to a convention. As the professors are placed in their seats, the captain speaks in the loud speakers. "Hello everyone, and welcome to our flight. Before take-off I just want you all to know, this airplane has been built by all of your very ...

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