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A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

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Little Johnny runs into the farmhouse yelling "Paw! Paw! You'll never guess what!"

Paw says "What?" and Little Johnny says "Old man Henderson's farmhouse just got sucked clear away by a whirlwind!"

"I know," says Paw calmly. "It's in the paper."

Disgruntled, Little Johnny trudges off, but a couple of days later he's running into the farmhouse again yelling "Paw! Paw!...

Why was the man yelling “Putin is an idiot” at a street corner in Moscow arrested?

High treason by revealing State-secrets.

It is Summer - down at the beach today a guy was yelling "Help, shark, HELP"!!

I had to laugh because I know for a fact that the shark was not going to help him...

Instead of yelling at my family I used to yell into a colander

All it did was strain my voice

Trainer (yelling): did you come here to die?

Soldier: no mate, i came here 'yestaday'

I was walking down the beach when I heard a swimmer yelling for help.

I just laughed . I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him

Was awoken this morning by a loud banging on my front door. Got up and someone was there yelling and screaming in terror “Help! Help! there is a crazy person trying to kidnap me.” They kept screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs and banging on the door.

Finally got so annoying I unlocked the door and let them out.

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An elderly man was having a stroll on the boardwalk when he came by a fisherman yelling..

"Damn fish for sale, only $5. Damn fish for sale, only $5!"

The elderly man walked up to the fisherman and exclaimed "That fish is the source of your livelihood. You shouldn't disrespect it by calling it a damn fish." The fisherman was taken aback and told the elderly man that he meant no di...

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.


He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.


"Did you see my face?"


"Yes"


BANG, he sh...

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My wife was screaming and yelling at the tv, “Don’t go to church you stupid bitch,” I said “what are you watching?”

She said, “Our wedding video.”

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

My upstairs neighbor was yelling so loudly at her daughter...

...that I cleaned my room too and put on my pajamas.

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"

I said "Why not?"

He said "You have to cremate him first!"

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

why are Homeless people always yelling?

Because they don't know how to use inside voices.

Thomas the Tank Engine's friend Fernando, who does the Mexico route was caught on dash cam video accelerating instead of braking for a stuck church van full of disabled children while yelling obscenities and screaming USA USA

When asked about his reasons for such carnage he said he's just loco and those are loco motives.

(Made it up with my son)

The Blonde Convention

Once, there was a huge meeting of all of the blondes in the world. They had heard all of the jokes and wanted to prove once and for all that they were not as stupid as the jokes made them seem. They all chose one of them, who they all thought was the smartest to answer one question. She went up to t...

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There's always yelling, crying and plate throwing.

Also, it's hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

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Aaron is in geometry class. His teacher is yelling at him because he’s wearing AirPods while the teacher is talking. In the middle of his rant, Aaron says “You’re such a square!”

The teacher says “prove it”.

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everything alright? Did that man hurt you?", Dave asked.

"No no, everything is alright.", she says as she wipes her tears. "How can i help you?"

"...

Last night, I was jumping for joy and yelling, and my wife came over to ask me what was going on

I yelled out - I just won the lottery!!! Pack your bags!!!

She got really excited and said - Where are we going?!?!

I replied - what do mean, “we”?

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

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Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

I keep hearing people yelling "free Britney!!"

That sounds amazing but how do I get myself one?

The laws to get to heaven are new!

They changed the rules to get into heaven and get passed Saint Peter and the pearly gates; you just need to have died in an interesting way.

So three men show up before Peter. Peter asks the first man how did you die?

Man says "well you see i live on the 22nd floor of a high rise apart...

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A man is coming up to the cashier - long

And as he is about to go get his groceries scanned, the customer before him starts yelling at the cashier:

"I will reach out to management and I swear to God you will get fired after I have a word with them! You are insane!" as he storms out.

Man approaches the cashier and sees that he...

How did the cowboy feel after yelling?

Horse!

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Kids Banging on Bins

Everyday this old gentleman would be waken by some local kids banging on some trash bins in the alley outside his house and yelling.

One day the old gentleman went out and said "I really love your youthful energy and joy you bring here - I am so entertained by you all! here, let me pay you e...

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Some word can have multiple meanings

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes ...

A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”

So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door.

As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the...

Rip off

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being sw...

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

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My wife is yelling at me for having a boner at her mothers funeral

My response, “I can’t help it, it’s mourning wood”

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

Unexpected suprise

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She ask...

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