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Witnessed Jokes

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

I witnessed a murder

It took me about 30 seconds before the crows noticed me and left.

I witnessed a kidnap today....

On his mommy lap.

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

I've just witnessed a police car crash into a fire engine in town.

I was going to ring for an ambulance, but that could've been asking for trouble.

I witnessed a kidnapping today.

I let him sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

A man runs into the police station one day saying he witnessed a murder.

The police quickly follow him to a field, expecting to see a body, but all they see is a crow.

The man says “There was definitely more than one crow here”

I witnessed my wife trip and drop all the laundry.

She got red with embarassment and said: "Did you see that?"

I said: "I watched it all unfold."

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

I witnessed a suicide. [OC]

I was hiking up a fairly large hill, could be considered a small mountain, that had a steep cliff near the top. I saw a man standing there with a noose tied around his neck, the other end was tied to the cliff.

I told him that he shouldn't do it, theres more to life than this. He started clim...

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...

It was a tie...

I witnessed a queen being murdered

By a pawn

I witnessed a great treachery yesterday.

It must have been at least 20 ravens.

I told the police I just witnessed a man jump from an apartment balcony.

"What floor?" they asked.

"He's on the ground floor," I replied.

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.

I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.

(H/T Demetri Martin)

I witnessed a murder yesterday

Those dam crows just wouldnt leave my garden

A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw....

He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."

I just witnessed a doctor accidentally drop a fragile organ transplant...

It was a heart-breaking scene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today.

The driver walked away without injury though.

I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.

I was at the courthouse today and witnessed a 4 foot tall felon go down a flight of stairs....

It was a little condescending.

Just witnessed this classic on the bus

Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife witnessed two bears having sex through a pair of binoculars.

She saw them coming a mile away.

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