Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

My neighbor came over to help me with pulling out some unwanted trees

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of ash-holes.

What do we call a software engineer's unwanted child

A cum..pilation error

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

What to do with an unwanted elephant?

It's irrelephant.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

What do my dms and a vegan get together have in common

There's a whole lot of unwanted meet

3 steps in dealing with unwanted people...

Step 1: Buy a Hammer
Step2: Name it Kindness
Step 3: Kill them with Kindness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Females don't know the pain of trying to hide an unwanted boner...

It's hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an unwanted child?

Got no fucking clue, it's your problem now mate.

If you want to keep unwanted people out of America,

Instead of building a wall, don't defund Planned Parenthood

Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?

Do what I did... don't file your tax returns.

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being.After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie.He asks ‟How can I ever repay you?”

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; a...

I lost 140 unwanted, useless, life-sucking pounds - in only 6 weeks!

I got a divorce.

I understand wanting to celebrate 11 additional days of Christmas for a total of 12...

But all I can ever think about is some poor woman out there got 23 unwanted birds.

I think I was an unwanted child

I'm 36 years old and my mother is still chasing me around with a coat hanger

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a bar

He notices a cute college age girl and goes up to chat with her

She promptly yells out “NO! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!”

Not sure on what to do the guy walks away after all the odd stares. A little while after the girl comes up and apologizes. She said she takes psychology and w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Melania is talking to Janet Yellen at a party...

They talk about the the improving economy, the Fed, whether quantitative easing really was a good idea, about how Janet will be retiring soon. They have a few drinks and Melania becomes less guarded. Janet asks Melania about the hand slap incident on the tarmac.

Melania: Donald can be such a ...

Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.

Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An obese man is trying to lose weight

His friend tells him about this gym where he can lose all his unwanted fat within a few days.

The man goes to that gym, the coach welcomes him "Hello, welcome to the best gym ever. Today you will work in the first floor, where you will lose 20 pounds in 2 hours."

The man enters the fir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a crush on his proctologist,..

.. and makes an appointment to see the doctor. The somewhat dismayed doctor, who is wary of the patient's unwanted advances, reluctantly asks the patient to disrobe and lay on the table. The doctor, to his amazement, looks up his ass, and finds one, no TWO, no THREE red roses up in his rectum. As he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

/r/jokes is like a beginner's fencing class.

Lots of unwanted riposte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some of Joan Rivers' Best One-Liners

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I hate thin people: ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I wish I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend just sent this to me...

On a New York sidewalk, an Indian is enjoying a hearty breakfast "Coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc"

While an American, chewing a gum, sat next to him and started an unwanted conversation.

American: You Indians eat the whole bread?

Indian: Ofcourse!

American: (B...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.