UPJOKE
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Unwanted Jokes

Why do vampires never cause unwanted pregnancies?

Because they need permission to come inside.

What did the cheese do when it got unwanted pregnancy?

She got a boursin.

What is Xi Jinping's favourite way to lose unwanted weight?

An elimination diet

How do they kill unwanted insects in the Hungarian capital?

With Budapesticide.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

What to do with an unwanted elephant?

It's irrelephant.

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

What do we call a software engineer's unwanted child

A cum..pilation error

My neighbor came over to help me with pulling out some unwanted trees

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of ash-holes.

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

What do you call an unwanted female cow?

A miss steak mistake.

3 steps in dealing with unwanted people...

Step 1: Buy a Hammer
Step2: Name it Kindness
Step 3: Kill them with Kindness

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

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Females don't know the pain of trying to hide an unwanted boner...

It's hard.

Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?

Do what I did... don't file your tax returns.

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What do you call an unwanted child?

Got no fucking clue, it's your problem now mate.

I lost 140 unwanted, useless, life-sucking pounds - in only 6 weeks!

I got a divorce.

Why do trans women make the best golf course grounds staff?

They're enthusiastic about getting rid of unwanted balls.

What do a stomach pump and an exorcist have in common?

They're both used to remove unwanted spirits from a body.

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

If you want to keep unwanted people out of America,

Instead of building a wall, don't defund Planned Parenthood

What do my dms and a vegan get together have in common

There's a whole lot of unwanted meet

The mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly

to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.



To no avail, she kept nagg...

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before;...

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There is a road nearby called Berlin Street.

True story, and not quite a joke, but this just happened. All I can say is our daughter pays a lot of attention to things. Anyway, I needed to drop off a letter, and asked my wife, "Isn't the post office on Berlin Street?"

"Yes, but I think I heard it's actually pronounced BERL-in, not ber-LI...

I understand wanting to celebrate 11 additional days of Christmas for a total of 12...

But all I can ever think about is some poor woman out there got 23 unwanted birds.

Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.

Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.

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An obese man is trying to lose weight

His friend tells him about this gym where he can lose all his unwanted fat within a few days.

The man goes to that gym, the coach welcomes him "Hello, welcome to the best gym ever. Today you will work in the first floor, where you will lose 20 pounds in 2 hours."

The man enters the fir...

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A guy goes to a bar

He notices a cute college age girl and goes up to chat with her

She promptly yells out “NO! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!”

Not sure on what to do the guy walks away after all the odd stares. A little while after the girl comes up and apologizes. She said she takes psychology and w...

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/r/jokes is like a beginner's fencing class.

Lots of unwanted riposte.

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A man has a crush on his proctologist,..

.. and makes an appointment to see the doctor. The somewhat dismayed doctor, who is wary of the patient's unwanted advances, reluctantly asks the patient to disrobe and lay on the table. The doctor, to his amazement, looks up his ass, and finds one, no TWO, no THREE red roses up in his rectum. As he...

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Melania is talking to Janet Yellen at a party...

They talk about the the improving economy, the Fed, whether quantitative easing really was a good idea, about how Janet will be retiring soon. They have a few drinks and Melania becomes less guarded. Janet asks Melania about the hand slap incident on the tarmac.

Melania: Donald can be such a ...

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

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Three Safari Men

There were three men (a pastor, a father, and a good 'ol boy redneck) that happened to be taking a safari of the Amazon rainforest when they are separated from the rest of the group. After a few days and trying to find their way back to civilization, they were captured by a local tribe, bound and b...

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