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Tokyo Jokes

What did the cannibals eat in Tokyo?

Rawmen

I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...

... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)

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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.

Edit: guys, I see my mistake.

Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

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A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Ga...

My tryout for the Tokyo Olympic diving team was a flop

But I made quite a splash with the judges.

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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After meeting with my Japanese friend in Tokyo I went to a local bar

I bought some sake. And some more. And was it vodka? Or martini. Definitely something with L in the name. And some sake. I saw other patrons turned into pigs, a bartender dragon flying around and a guy turning into a polluted river in the bathhouse. I was very much spirited away.

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

Lynn's nurse at the vaccination centre recently qualified for a sport in the Tokyo Olympics. What sport is it?

Javelin

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My grandfather was a USAF pilot during the war. He personally flew 16 bombing runs over Japan, two of which were over Tokyo itself. But at the end of the war, they slung him out of the USAF. They didn't even give him his service medal.

I always thought he was hard done by. Everybody else in the Korean war got their service medal.

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An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office.

His first night in town, he had a hooker come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in sex, the hooker kept squirming moaning, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the hooker was really into him, and "Sung wa" must mean some expression of pleasure.
...

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

My coffee shop in Tokyo hasn't had many customers in the last couple of months...

It's ok now though, people are starting to drift in.

Anyone ever been to Kyoto?

It's the anagram lover's Tokyo

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

Did you see the 75th annual ninja parade in downtown Tokyo?

Neither did anyone else...

What would George Washington say if you told him that in 2017 it's now possible to eat breakfast in Tokyo, lunch in Paris, and dinner in Chicago?

"WTF is Chicago?"

I'm Hungary

Timmy: I'm Hungary,

Mum: Why don't you Czech the fridge.

Timmy: OK I'm Russian to the kitchen.

Mum: Hmmm.. may be you'll find some Turkey.

Timmy: Yeah but its all covered in Greece. yuck!

Mum: There is Norway you can eat that.

Timmy: I know, I guess I'...

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I heard on the news that someone had robbed the Tokyo Origami Museum in Japan

The reporter said that the story is still unfolding.

Longest Drum Solo

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

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Japan has been hit by another tsunami. Tokyo is now covered in fish and seaweed

One newspaper described the situation as delicious.

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A Japanese sewage worker finished work in Tokyo and met up with some friends in a bar.

They get to talking about work, and one of them asks the Japanese guy;
"It must be hard work doing what you do, I don't think I could stand the smell!"

He replies; "yeah it is pretty bad."

"What about the guys you work with, are they good people?" One of them asks.

He admits...

They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia

It's called Tokyo Lyft

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A zoo in CA has a rare gorilla. The last known female of that particular species.

Turns out a zoo in Tokyo has a male version of the gorilla. They decide to ship the male gorilla from Japan to the US to mate and save the species. The American zoo keepers start to worry because their female gorilla has never had sex before. The decision is made they need to warm her up to help wit...

I have decided to write all of my jokes in capitals from now on...

This one was written in Tokyo.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

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Biz trip

American businessman lands in Tokyo, goes to his very fancy hotel to prepare for his meeting with the CEO of the countries largest corporation to be held at japans finest golf course the next day. As he checks in the hotels concierge asks him if he desires company for the evening stating that it’s o...

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What does a Japanese bakery thief say?

"I Tokyo cookie."

Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow.

Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.

Capital of Germany? Berlin

Capital of France? Berlin

Capital of Russia? Berlin

Capital of Poland? Berlin

Capital of USA? Tokyo

Capital of China? Tokyo

Hotel? Trivago

That's my boy.

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Sex with a Japanese woman...

A lawyer from New York, is on a business trip to Tokyo. In Tokyo he's negotiating a big deal between the company he represents and a Japanese firm. Talks take place in English at a sushi-restaurant in down-town Tokyo, between the businessman and Mr. Oki, head of the Japanese company.

The neg...

Tesla

You can't Tokyo Drift in a Tesla

You can only do the Electric Slide

British Airways. Breakfast in London. Dinner in New York.

Luggage in Tokyo.

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An Artist in Japan

An English Manga artist is offered a job in Japan - by Studio Ghibli. He arrives in Tokyo 7 hours early, so decides to visit the red light district. Here he bangs a geisha for 5 hours solid - with her screaming "Machigatta ana Machigatta ana" at the top of her voice. Which puts a big smile on his fa...

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Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your roo...

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Businessman in Japan

So an American businessman had a trip to Japan where he was to have a meeting with Japanese company CEO.

So when he arrived to Tokyo, he decided to hire a local prostitute to blow some steam off the night before the meeting. As they were doing it, he noticed she constantly screamed ''Machigat...

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A boat was shipwrecked in the South Pacific, as a result...

A group of people from different nationalities found themselves stranded on a remote and beautiful island. The party consisted of:

-Two Italian men and one Italian woman

-Two French men and one French woman

-Two German men and one German woman

-Two Greek men and one Greek...

There are two kinds of Asians...

The kind you see drifting in Tokyo Drift, and the other you see drifting around roundabouts.

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What do you call a japanese homeless guy?

Tokyo Drifter

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A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back

A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back. Recently, she went into heat, so the zookeeper called all his friends at different zoos to find a male gorilla to deal with the issue.
He called and called, but the budget his board had given him was only $10,000, and nobody could afford to ship their g...

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Two strangers discussing religion

So, a woman sits beside a sharply dressed man in a flight to Tokyo.

Having a lot of time to kill, the man initiates a conversation with the woman, asking her about her religion and how God created the universe, etc.

"Well, first I’ve got a question for you", said the woman.

"Cow...

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Businessman in Japan

There was a businessman from a big company that went to Japan to close an important deal.
He didn't speak any Japanese, but he knew the Japanese President company would speak English so he didn't learn any.

After arriving to Tokyo he decided to do some city-sighting and enjoying some good ...

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.

Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"

Big Catholic ...

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An American man travels to Japan on business...

...and on his first night he visits a bar in Tokyo to experience the local nightlife. He meets an enchanting woman, and after several rounds of drinks and flirting, she accompanies him back to his hotel. They commence copulation, and in the throws of passion, the woman screams out "Machigatta ana! M...

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Farting Honda

A sales rep for an American auto parts supplier was in Tokyo for an important meeting with the chairman of Toyota to close a huge deal. After he got to his hotel, he farted and strangely it sounded like his ass said "Honda". Puzzled, he forced out another fart and sure enough it came out "hooonda". ...

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An American businessman goes to Japan...[NSFW]

An American businessman goes to Japan to work on a business deal with a potential partner corporation in Tokyo. After a week's worth of painstaking negotiations, the businessman finally seals the deal. His translator tells him that his new partners have encouraged him to take the night off, enjoy wh...

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A businessman travels to Japan...[nsfw]

the American businessman arrives a day early for his meeting with his Japanese business colleague and being quite the tourist he decides to hit the the town. He goes to a couple of sushi bars and loosens up a bit, he meets an attractive women at one of the karaoke bars and after quite a while of tr...

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

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