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My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious.

And then I saw her face...

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

I was threatened today at the airport.

At the check-in the woman said “window or isle.” I said “window or you’ll what?”

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

What did the pushpin say when threatened?

Attack!

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

My girlfriend threatened to leave unless I stopped being delusional and admitted that I am not a Transformer

But I told her “Babe, I can change!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

Where does a Mexican go when they feel threatened?

Hispanic Room

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

The Mandalorian was my waiter, and I think I angered him because he threatened to tamper with my food.

"I can bring it in warm...or I can bring it in cold."

A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.

The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances

I said: "There's the door"

My girlfriend has threatened to leave me for being lazy.

I think she's being unfair, it's not like I did anything.

Wife threatened to leave me

My wife threatened to leave me because of my “filthy and disgusting habits.”

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

My wife threatened to leave me if I couldn't stop correcting her about Russian Communist terminology.

I told her Soviet.

How did the DJ threaten his unruly apprentice who was responsible for all of the electronic beats

He threatened him with real percussions

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.

But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.

I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle.”

I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

I threatened a cop and then he cut my electricity

It was a real abuse of power

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife threatened to leave me due to my sexual fetishes.

I said "fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

My wife found “golden showers” in my search history and threatened to leave.

I let her go.

Gotta look out for number one.

Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.

It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too ...

My girlfriend threatened to break-up with me if I didn't stop acting like a Transformer...

I said "but baby, I can change!"

Yugi: Kaiba! How come Your card grabbed my card's groin and threatened to deport it...

Kaiba: You fool! You've activated my Trump card.

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

I was kidnapped by a group of mimes

They threatened to do unspeakable things !

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech.

In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

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