My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.

But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

My girlfriend has threatened to leave me for being lazy.

I think she's being unfair, it's not like I did anything.

The judge said "You really want the jury to believe.....

that you committed this crime because a pack of black and white, wild animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"

"Yes, your honour", I said............ "I was badgered into it."

Edit : changed one word.

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances

I said: "There's the door"

Three Men stand before the gates of heaven

The angel who was the keeper of the pearl gates then asks how each of the three mean died. The first man, a big burly individual said "I'd suspected my wife of cheating for some time now, so I came home early to confront her when I was positive the other man was somewhere in our apartment. And when ...

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

I threatened a cop and then he cut my electricity

It was a real abuse of power

A guy threatened me to punch me in the face.

Apparently, I shouldn't have replied "You wouldn't do that to the father of your half-brother, would you?"

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

Once upon a time in the Caribbean...

Two prawns were swimming around. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was...

Telephone at the hotel reception:

\- Hello, I'm calling from room 303. Could you please send someone from the service? I'm arguing with my wife and she threatened to jump out the window.

\- Sorry, this is your private problem.

\- Yeah, right, but the damn window doesn't open, and that's your problem.

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

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A woman wakes up on the morning of her wedding anniversary and her husband wasn't there.

It was 2.00am and she was concerned. She searched the house until finally she found him in the basement sobbing uncontrollably.

She tried to comfort him and asked, "honey, what's the matter? "

Between sobs he answers, "Do you remember when your dad the cop caught us, underage, makin...

I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle.”

I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerful...

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife threatened to leave me due to my sexual fetishes.

I said "fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out".

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

My wife found “golden showers” in my search history and threatened to leave.

I let her go.

Gotta look out for number one.

A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.

The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

My girlfriend threatened to break-up with me if I didn't stop acting like a Transformer...

I said "but baby, I can change!"

My wife threatened to leave me

Because of my ‘filthy and disgusting habits’. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

“How long have you been working at that office?"

“Ever since they threatened to fire me."

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.

Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

Where does a Mexican go when they feel threatened?

Hispanic Room

Yugi: Kaiba! How come Your card grabbed my card's groin and threatened to deport it...

Kaiba: You fool! You've activated my Trump card.

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~

A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech.

In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.

My wife threatened to call the cops if I didn't start checking the pockets of our clothes when I did laundry.

I asked "And what exactly do you expect them to charge me with?"

She said, "Money laundering."

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week I almost got robbed in the desert...

The robber shot my tires when I was driving and pulled me straight out of the car. He yelled "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY RIGHT NOW!"

I responded "Wait wait wait, before you do, can you shoot my hat? I wanna prove to my family at home I was robbed."

The robber shrugged as I took off my hat ...

I was kidnapped by a group of mimes

They threatened to do unspeakable things !

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl.

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howe...

A guy dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter...

... and St. Peter tells him, “Hang on a sec… getting into Heaven isn’t a big deal… I just need to find a good deed you've done in your life… and you’re in.”

And with that, St. Peter starts leafing through this guy’s Book of Life. It’s a thick book, but he’s not finding anything. He gets to th...

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