UPJOKE
endangerwarnjeopardizemenaceperilthreatdangerunderminedisrupthamperharmhinderaffectposethreats

My girlfriend threatened to leave unless I stopped being delusional and admitted that I am not a Transformer

But I told her “Babe, I can change!”

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

What did the pushpin say when threatened?

Attack!

The Mandalorian was my waiter, and I think I angered him because he threatened to tamper with my food.

"I can bring it in warm...or I can bring it in cold."

My stalker just threatened to kill herself, if I didn't love her back.

It's really nice when problems resolves themselves like that.

When my wife threatened a divorce because of my obsession with the Shrek soundtrack, I thought she was joking.

But then I saw her face

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners

After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the harde...

I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or
aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you'll
what?"

My wife threatened to leave me if I couldn't stop correcting her about Russian Communist terminology.

I told her Soviet.

My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.

But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances

I said: "There's the door"

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

My girlfriend has threatened to leave me for being lazy.

I think she's being unfair, it's not like I did anything.

His wife minored in psychology in school.

She was always trying to use her tiresome amateur psychology on him. When he wanted to fire their pool boy, she said, "Well, you're clearly threatened by his youth and attractiveness, and this gives you intimations of your own mortality which you are sublimating into a hostile and inappropriate resp...

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

Two prawns...

..Justin and Kristian were swimming around in the ocean, continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being ea...

A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.

The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

I threatened a cop and then he cut my electricity

It was a real abuse of power

My girlfriend threatened to break-up with me if I didn't stop acting like a Transformer...

I said "but baby, I can change!"

Where does a Mexican go when they feel threatened?

Hispanic Room

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife threatened to leave me due to my sexual fetishes.

I said "fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out".

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

My wife found “golden showers” in my search history and threatened to leave.

I let her go.

Gotta look out for number one.

My wife threatened to leave me

Because of my ‘filthy and disgusting habits’. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

Late

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, th...

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Yugi: Kaiba! How come Your card grabbed my card's groin and threatened to deport it...

Kaiba: You fool! You've activated my Trump card.

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech.

In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.

My wife threatened to call the cops if I didn't start checking the pockets of our clothes when I did laundry.

I asked "And what exactly do you expect them to charge me with?"

She said, "Money laundering."

In romance, I'm like a wild stallion

I'm not well groomed, look somewhat malnourished, don't want anyone to ride me, am threatened by eye contact, and if approached I'm likely to run away before anyone's close enough to touch me.

My wife and I were laying in bed watching a contortionist perform on a talent show.

As the lady went through her routine, I suggested to my wife that she should try becoming a contortionist. Without hesitation, she shouted "NO!"

I asked her to reconsider, suggesting ideas as they entered my creative mind. She immediately began yelling at me, calling me a pig, a dog, and even...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier was standing guard next to a river in a remote area

A man trekking through the wilderness saw the soldier.

Surprised to see anyone, he called across to ask what he was doing there, but the soldier didn't respond.

It was a wide river, so maybe the soldier couldn't hear him. He decided to try using hand gestures to communicate instead.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

At a party, Bob was flirting with a girl

The girl's boyfriend walked over to Bob and pushed him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Bob said, "I didn't know she was taken. I'm sorry." The boyfriend raised his fist and threatened, "If you touch my girl again, you're fiction."

Bob was confused, and asked, "Uh, don't yo...

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.