The Nuns Jokes - 30 Hilarious The Nuns Jokes

The nuns

Two nuns are cycling through the old streets of Florence. Out of breath, the first nun says, "I've never come this way before."

"It must be the cobbles", says the other.

2 nuns were sitting on a park bench when a guy came running through and flashed them. One of the nuns had a stroke...

The other one couldn't reach.

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says,

-Sister, shall we ju...

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the Contractor and the Nun...

A Catholic School was expanding its buildings, new basketball courts, the works! the winning contractor shows up a day before construction was to begin, the head Nun was talking with him and said she was going to bring all the kids out to watch parts of the work being done.
Contractor: Sister,...

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Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns

"This morning," she announces, "the gardener found a condom in the rhododendron bushes!"

Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!"

"And it had been used!" the Mother Superior adds.

Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!"

"...And there was a h...

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Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

3 Nuns at the Pearly Gates (very mildly NSFW)

3 nuns are in a bus in Colombia, which due to budget cuts breaks it's axle, rolls over, and kills them all. When they come to, they realize that the three of them are in a cloud-filled place standing in front of an elderly man at a dais, behind whom are enormous, gold-plated gates, which at the mom...

Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...

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A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the pearly gates.

There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks the first nun:

"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister replies:
"Yes, with the tip of my finger"

"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and in you go"

The next sister approached St Peter and He made the s...

A man was driving in a very rural area.

Suddenly he saw a sign, "St Mary's Convent and Brothel, All Welcome, 10 miles."

He was very surprised, and when he saw the St Mary sign, he turned of and stopped in the parking lot.

He knocked on the door, and an elderly nun opened it. He said, "I am here for the brothel." The nun jus...

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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

The Nuns robes

The Nun had tried ever so hard to change the colour of her old robes but to no avail. I guess old habits dye hard.

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A prostitute walks into a church...

She asks one of the nuns where the priest is, and is shown to a dark room. She sits in the darkness until she hears the familiar voice of the priest ask,

"What troubles you, my child?"

The prostitute replies, "Sorry, Daddy, but I've been a naughty girl."

The priest sighs and sa...

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Cocks

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening the cock went missing. At the church pass prayer gathering, the priest asked:
-“Who has a cock?”…All the men got up.
-“No I meant who has seen a cock?”…All the women got up.
-“No,no, Who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”…Half the women go...

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Two nuns are renovating a room at the convent.

When it comes time to paint, they don't want to ruin their habits so they strip nakrd and make sure the door is locked. About an hour later they hear a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", says one nun.

From the other side of the door they hear, "Blind guy".

So the nuns open the do...

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Urination Contest and the Nun

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of 'Our Lady of Perpetual Motion' parochial school in a VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"...

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Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

Two nuns biking on the courtyard.

Two nuns biking on the courtyard.

Where going in a circle, round and round they went.

Head nun yelled, Diner time come in!

5 more minutes please head nuns, replied the nuns

Two nuns biking on the courtyard.

Where going in a circle, round and round they went....

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time

They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't f...

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Nuns at the pearly gates

A group of nuns were in a coach, driving high up on a mountain, when all of a sudden the coach swerved off the road and went over the side of the mountain, crashing below and sadly killing everybody inside.

The nuns now found themselves waiting outside the pearly gates, which opened and showe...

Three nuns were walking down the street...

Three nuns were walking down the street each lost in introspective thought when a man wearing only a trench coat jumped out from behind a hedge and flashed the nuns. Well the first nun had a stroke! Then the second nun had a stroke as well. The third nun wouldn't touch it.

Mother Superior wakes up and gets out of bed one morning in the convent.

She begins her usual walk down a long hallway, with rooms for the other nuns lining either side. Immediately one of the nuns looks at mother superior and says "It looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"

Mother Superior is a little taken aback by this comment, bu...

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

A group of nuns from a local convent were out for their Sunday bike ride through the suburbs

They were quite a site, seven in a row on one of those seven seater tandem bikes, headed, of course by a Mother Superior. They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited "OOOOOOOOOH!' The Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, "Sisters,...

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The nuns and the blind man.

Three nuns are inside the convent one day painting the walls because they needed to be repainted.

One nun states that she doesn't want to get paint on her habit so she thinks she should take it off. The other nuns agree that they don't want to get paint on their habits either so the three of ...

Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time.

St. Peter says "Sisters, we're so backed up that we're giving new arrivals a quiz. If you answer a question correctly, you can go on in, but if you get it wrong you'll have to wait a while." The nuns nod in agreement and St. Peter faces the first nun.

"What was the name of the first man on ...

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