What do you get when you combine a carpenter with a bunch of fishermen?

A shepherd!

What did the fishermen say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

Why do flamenco dancers make the best fishermen?

Because they know how to castanet

You hear the one about the blonde who went on a fishing expedition with three fishermen?

She came back with a red snapper.

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

Why do fishermen make such terrible DJs?

They never let the bass drop.

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What do lazy fishermen and porn studios have in common?

They both use casting couches.

I don’t trust fishermen.

There’re always angling for something.

When are Egyptian fishermen less likely to believe what their are told?

When they're in the Nile.

A joke my dad told me today

Two old fishermen are fishing under a bridge. A funeral procession passes over the bridge. One of the old fishermen stands up, takes his hat off and bows his head.

The second old fisherman says “Wow, that was really respectful of you to do.”

The first old fisherman says “Thanks, it’s t...

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Hal is telling the guys at the plant about the morons he saw this weekend.

"You wouldn't believe it," Hal said. "Four guys up at 5:30 on Saturday morning just swing at this little white ball try to get it in the hole."

"What kind of star-spangled moron gets up that early on a perfectly good Saturday morning just to play golf?"

One of the guys asks, "What we...

School Shooters are like fishermen

They both pick off living things in schools

Which genre of music do fishermen listen to most while out on their boat?

Pond-tunes, of course.

3 FISHERMEN

Three men were sitting by the side of Lake Washington holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden came up behind them, tapped them on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first guy.
"Well, if you’re...

Pete is walking down the harbour and sees 2 fishermen. He always wanted to have a go at fishing so he goes up to them to ask.

Pete has a stutter though so he goes " h-he-hello guys would y-you you mind if i come f-f-fi-fishing with you?"
They look at eachother and decide that "yes you can come, but be quiet, we don't want you to scare away the fish". So pete all happy gets in the boat and they go out into the sea.
A...

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Two whales.. John and Jenny are swimming in the ocean.

John is mourning the recent loss of his father who was killed by a whale fishing boat.

A few days later John and Jenny come across an similar looking Boat... with excitement John realizes that it’s the fishing boat that killed his father ... he is seeking revenge for the death of his father!...

What did Vito Corleone's brother Frank say when rival fishermen sabotaged his gear?

"Look how they massacred my buoy!"

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What is the favorite band of Japanese fishermen?

Bob Marley and the Whalers.

What do you call it when a fisherman gives a cephalopod in exchange for information on his rival fishermen?

A Squid-Pro-Quo

Two fishermen were fishing off the rocks...

The first fishermen was catching fish so fast they we're practically jumping straight into his bucket.

The second fishermen asked the first what his secret was. To which the first responded.

I have no wife, or girlfriend, I am a very lonely man.

The first fishermen didn't unders...

How do fishermen pickup women?

All-lure

Two fishermen caught a mermaid.

One of them holding the mermaid in his arms looked at her attentively and threw her back into the sea.
But why? - asked the other fisherman.
But how? - answered the first one.

What do fishermen do in their free time?

They master bait

What type of weather do fishermen prefer?

When it is *Overcast* out.

What do fishermen call each other?

I don't know, dumb bass!

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Why are fishermen such wankers?

Coz they're master baiters.

Three fishermen were out fishing when they suddenly came upon a mermaid.....

The mermaid offered them one wish each,


so the first fisherman said:

"Double my IQ!"


So the mermaid did and to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said:

"Triple my IQ!"

Sure enough the mermaid did and amazing...

Two fishermen are sitting in a boat indulging in some wordplay.

The first one says, "If I tell you a joke that relies on *casting* the word "rod" in a phallic sense, would you find it *fishy*?"

"Oh," says the second one, "I think I can *tackle* it."

"So... *net-net*, you'd take the *bait*?"

"Oh-ho! *Hook, line, and sinker*!"

"I don't ...

I started taking fish out of Kansas City and bringing them into Kansas. The local vegans and fishermen got mad at me.

I said, “What, I’m just putting them out of their Missouri”

In light of the rising frequency of human and bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field...

They advise that outdoors men wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.

They also advise outdoors men to carry pepper spray with them, in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bea...

Two fishermen are always fishing together on sundays

neither of them saying much.


Then, one sunday, one of the fisherman didn't show up.


But on the next sunday he was back in his old place, fishing.


The other fisherman was a bit worried, so he asked him where he was the previous sunday.

"Yeah sorry I got married...

Who do fishermen call when they want to sell their property?

They call a Reel-tor!

Why did the failed fishermen stop making his movie?

He couldn't get past casting

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C-Worthy NSFW

And then there’s the one about the killer whales who got tired of whales getting killed off by fishermen. So a pod of them got together to plan a retaliation.

The pod leader says, “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. The next time a group of boats come by, we’ll swim under them, use our blo...

What do fishermen do at a their conferences?

Network.

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

Where do the fishermen store their money

on the River Bank

A fishing boat was out on the sea when a storm blew up.

The wives of the fishermen gathered by the docks, and were all really worried that the boat may go down. Everyone, except the captain’s wife, who was as calm as a clam shell, but wouldn’t say why. After a while, the others were getting quite annoyed that she, the captain’s wife of all, seemed almost...

Why are fishermen so good at geometry?

Cause they're good anglers.

Why do commercial fishermen use nets?

With only a rod you lose a fish in sea.

Fishermen...

...are reel men.

The Windsurfer And The Two Fishermen

Two fishermen were sitting by a lake. Suddenly, a windsurfer raced past them and made a huge backflip, but failed the landing horribly. When he didn't surface the two fishermen sailed towards his floating surfboard. They threw their nets in and pulled him up and saw to their horror that he was compl...

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

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How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore?

Row v. Wade

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Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

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The Moral Of The Story (shortened version)

2 fishermen were in the forest fishing in a river.
They had a line in the water in one of their favourite secret fishing spots.
Now a fish came along and saw the line... And the fishermen saw the fish hoping that it would take the line because if it did the fly would drop 6 inches and they wo...

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Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."

"Okay," says the other whale.


They proceed to do so and swim ...

Bag limit.

A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the ...

Why the fisherman gave up on the gorgeous girl

Two fishermen are fishing out at sea.

One day, a fisherman caught a mermaid.

Above her tail was the most gorgeous girl they had ever seen.

However, after throughly thinking things through, the fisherman decided to let her go.

His companion sent him a confused look and ask...

One day a priest was walking on a pier when he noticed a guy in a boat fishing

He waves to the fisherman, and the fisherman asks him if he'd like to join him in the boat for a little angling. The priest enthusiastically agrees but explains that he's never fished before. The angler says he'll teach him.

On his first cast, the priest hauls in a really big fish. The fisher...

If you watch it backwards. . .

The Shawshank Redemption is about two mexican fishermen who are such great friends that when one of them is sent to prison in Maine, the other one crawls through five hundred yards of foulness you can't even imagine to be with him.

The fishing trip

So four high school friends have gone fishing together every year for the last two decades. That was until this year, when Jim had to inform the group he couldn't make it.

"Look, it's the wife. She's been saying I haven't been spending enough time with her."

Of course, the others were...

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The Cod Captain and His Seamen's Semen

Several centuries ago, Irish fishermen sought fortune fishing cod off the coast of Newfoundland. During the long cross-Atlantic journey, many captains worried about their men after so much time away from their wives.

One devoutly Catholic captain was especially concerned that his men might re...

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3 Guys on a dock

There are three guys out on a dock fishing. One of them thinks he has a fish and pulls up an old bottle. *Poof* A genie appears. "I've been in that damn bottle for... I don't even know how long," says the genie. "I'm going to grant all three of you three wishes!"

The fishermen are ecstatic. T...

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Frank and Sally the Whales [long]

So two whales, Frank and Sally are swimming through the ocean eating various fish and plankton when they see a boat coming up on them.

Frank looks at the boat and says to Sally, "That is the whaling boat that killed uncle Sal."

Sally, skeptical, said "How do you know for sure?"

...

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whale joke

Out in the ocean there are 2 whales watching a fishing boat. When the first whale says to the second "do you wanna see something funny?" the second whales says "sure" so both whales swim under the boat and on the first whales cue they release their blow holes flipping the boat. Both whales now back ...

A man of God floating around in the ocean after a shipwreck.

Suddenly a small vessel appears. The captain offers to save him. The man replies: "No, i'm fine. God will save me." The Captain leaves him.

After some time, another boat appears. This time, a fishing boat. The fishermen quickly throw in a net into the water and asks the man to grab onto it so...

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Do you own a lawn mover?

Two Newfoundland fishermen, Robert and Peter, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Robert turns to Peter and says,"You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go down to the community college and sign up for some classes." Peter agrees that it's...

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