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Taser Jokes

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

What’s the difference between a gun and a taser?

A taser shocks the criminal. A gun shocks the officer who thought they pulled out a taser.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

I met this girl with a taser

Man was she stunning

How I got tasered...

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

A police officer shot me with a taser, but it had no effect.

Then they *charged* me with *resisting* arrest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got a nasty shock when I picked up the wife's taser today.

Fucking expensive, those things.

My dumbass brother made a YouTube video by firing dad's taser at the camera.

What happened next will shock you.

How many Buzzfeed writers would use a taser on you?

We asked 20 of them, and number seven may shock you.

Some people think guns are beautiful.

I think tasers are stunning.

I got tasered by a female cop the other night..

never have I laid eyes upon a more stunning beauty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe and the Train

Joe has been driving trains for years now and he was certainly not he best. He would leave late, overshoot stops and close the door on people frequently. This all came to head when one day, not paying attention, he drives into a herd of cows.

Police show up and Joe is questioned, but is ove...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

The inventor of the TASER gun recently died.

Both friends and enemies
were stunned!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a black man was shot by a police offer who meant to draw their taser and not their gun

It's not even shocking anymore...

What's the difference between a cop and God?

God knows the difference between a gun and a taser.

A British Cop and an American Cop are talking in a bar

The British cop says "they might take away our tasers because they sometimes kill people"

The American Cop says "sometimes? seems inneficient"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my wife that she should buy a taser so that she could stop men trying to force her to have sex with them.

I was shocked when she actually took my advice.

My date last night was awesome. All it took was a little spark and she was laying on the floor.

I love my new taser.

How old guys pick up women.

I am getting on in years and not the best looking
guy anymore.

Some would even say I'm a little frayed around
the edges. But, I have a nice car, a little money
and I spend most of my time casually traveling
from place to place and enjoying life.

I met a nice looking girl in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a gorgeous girl in the park, immediately sparks flew, she felt weak on her knees and we had the best sex ever!!

Damn I love these new tasers !!!

I always feel like there’s something electric about meeting the girl I stalk

It’s probably the taser

I met a beautiful girl in the park.

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw this gorgeous blonde police officer today who really knocked me for six, she was stunning

the crap out of me with her taser after I tried to grab her ass!

A gorgeous woman walked into a bar and a man started hitting on her.

The woman didn’t like it so she told him to stop but he wouldn’t stop - so she pulled out her taser on the guy.

Unconscious, the guy is pulled aside by the bartender, and the woman leaves. The man wakes up several minutes later, and the bartender asks him if he’s okay.

The man replie...

I met a lovely woman today

and she owned a taser......DAMN she was stunning!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.

He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.

You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.

He pulls out his taser.

What happens next may shock you...

He said the spark had gone out of our relationship.

So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up.

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