BDSM is disgusting and I absolutely hate it. I'd speak up but no one would listen,

My hands are tied.

A fairy appears in front of an old man.

"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"

The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."

The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

A guy with one leg stood before me at the ATM.

After waiting an unusual amount of time and the line behind me growing longer I decided to speak up.

"Everything alright man?"

To which he replied..

" yeah give me a moment just checking my balance"

A married couple goes to the fair...

The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was reminded of my dad’s favorite joke when I saw a similar joke posted earlier today. He owns his own construction company and would tell this to everyone.

All the body parts get together to decide who is the boss of the body.

First is the brain. “It’s obvious I’m the boss. I’m the smartest and without me the body wouldn’t even know what to do.”

The hands speak up and say, “Without us the body wouldn’t be able to get food to the mouth. Th...

An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to Fr...

Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh " You can't be a great painter, you've only got one ear" And you know what he said? "

“You’ll have to speak up, I’ve only got one ear”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pony walks into a bar

He orders a drink.

"I can barely hear you," complains the bartender. "Can you speak up?"

"Sorry," the pony replies. "I'm a little hoarse."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy in the pub stood up on a table.

"Has anyone here been sleeping with my wife?"

There was silence in the room.

"OK...somebody speak up RIGHT NOW... if you've slept with my wife!"

There was silence in the room.

"Why are none of you fuckers talking?" he asked. "I know at least one of you has slept with my w...

Banana

A guy is walking around with a banana in his ear. Another guy, seeing this, approaches and says, "Hey man, you've got a banana in your ear."
The banana guy looks at him and says, "What?"
The other guy says, "You've got a banana in your ear."
The banana guy says, "What?"
The other guy, fe...

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A man sneezes on a plane

A man sneezes on a plane. He takes his dick out and wipes it non-chalantly before putting it away and goes back to reading his book. His female seatmate notices but doesn't want to say anything

5 minutes later he sneezes once more. Again, he pulls his dick out, wipes it clean and puts it back...

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This guy walks into a bar, takes a seat and puts a bag onto the bar

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and then a little seat. Then this little guy comes out of the bag takes a bow, has a sits down and start playing the piano. A man with a hat sitting next to the man with the bag exclaims, "That's amazing! How did you get this little guy?"

...

A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! W...

The Johnsons are celebrating Christmas...

Little Timmy, who just turned 6, never speaks. He is always silent and all the family thinks he's got some kind of problem.

While all the family is enjoying Christmas evening dinner, suddenly, little Timmy stands up and says:

"-Uncle"

All the family is speechless...

Three sailors are at their posts in a submarine.

The sub is cruising underwater, and all is well. One man is at the sonar, one by the periscope, while the captain minds his own duties. Suddenly the fellow on the sonar tries to speak up, surprised. He's cut off by an impact against the sub, a shudder and groan, and then a chilling howl. No one has ...

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A man boarded a plane to Pittsburgh...

Sitting down, they both notice each other to have a black eye. Striking up conversation, one of the men speak up:

Man 1: "Hey, so I gotta ask. I mean we both have one... How'd you get your shiner?"

Man 2: "Well funniest thing, it was a slip of the tongue! Do you remember that attenda...

So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know y...

My Grandma told me all her friends had AIDS...

I told her I was sorry for them and she asked me to speak up.

She too had AIDS,

\*hearing aids\*

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Mother asks little Johny to go to a shop...

...but she only has a £50 note therefore she says to him "I'm giving you £50 and you have to buy bread, milk and butter only. Do not buy anything else and bring the change back."

As he was told, he goes to a shop but he sees a huge teddy bear for £50 and he buys it. He comes back home...

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A man named Jerry goes to his Conspiracy club

Jerry says he did research on 9/11.

Ernie asks what he found out.

Terry thought it was really jews.

For years people have searched for answers

Until now Jerry found out.

Ernie became impatient with Jerry.

Larry walked into the club, late from traffic.
...

Today i met a guy who has been married for 57 years

Today i met a guy who has been married for 57 years, myself who has struggled with the infancy of marriage I couldn't help but ask,

"So sir, what is the secret to a happy and long lasting marriage?"

His reply,

"You will have to speak up, I'm hard of hearing"

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