3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later wit...

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

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I asked my pharmacist for the strongest laxative he had.

Pharmacist: Are you really constipated?

Me: I broke up with my girlfriend and miss how she irritated the shit out of me!

World’s strongest man

The local pub was so sure that it’s bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the mone...

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Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.

Who is the strongest Defender from Netflix?

Iron Fist. He was able to take down all the others by himself

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

Why is 42 the strongest number?

Fortitude.

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Give me 5 shots of your strongest liquor.

A guy walks in to the bar

Guy: Give me 5 shots of your strongest liquor.

Bartender: 5 shots!? What are you celebrating? (pours 5 shots and lines them up)

Guy: My first blowjob (knocks down all 5 shots in a row)

Bartender: Wow, in that case, have a 6th on the house.
...

What is the strongest part of Batman's armor?

The plot.

Whenever a job interviewer asks what my strongest trait is, I tell them I’m responsible.

Because at my old job whenever something bad happened my coworkers would always say, “Eric is responsible.”

Which dinosaur is the strongest in the UK?

Tea- rex

My father is the strongest, most stoic person I've ever met. I've never seen him cry in my life even when he was fighting cancer. I took him to the dentist and when he's done he came out weeping like a baby. I asked him, "Dad, what happened?"

And he said, "The dentist gave me fillings."

What's the strongest color?

Super Cyan

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I just invented the world's strongest laxative!

I was so excited I shit my pants.

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The Strongest Man in the World

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man
<...

What do you call the strongest dinosaur whoever lived?

Extinct.

The strongest person in a prison should be called mitochondria

Because they are the powerhouse of the cell.

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Three sibling vampires are discussing who is the strongest.

The eldest eventually gets bored of debating and flies of into the night, coming back 5 minutes later covered in blood.

"Siblings of mine! See the lone house on the path into the city, silent and lost in a stripe of blood and fury?" shrieks the eldest with sadistic glory in his voice.

...

The Boy Scouts came up with the strongest knot in the world...

You just leave a pair of earbuds in your pocket while you're hiking.

What's the strongest smelling vegetable there is?

A Roma tomato

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar.

*long*

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "give me a Guinness mate"

The bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day? ", the black piece of tarmac replies "aye I'm part of the A1 North and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 fucking lorries,...

What's the strongest muscle on a pig?

The hamstring.

The time is midnight. Three vampires gather in a room.

The three vampires are arguing who is the strongest vampire. So, they decide to have a small competition to see who sucks more blood from humans. The first vampire stands up, and flies into the window of the hotel room. He returns back in an hour, his mouth stained with blood. The other two vampires...

Worlds Smartest Man, Worlds Strongest Man, a Preacher and a Boyscout

...are all on a plane and it's about to crash.
Problem is there is only 3 parachutes.

So...
The worlds smartest man grabs a parachute and says, "I'm the worlds smartest man, I can solve many problems and find solutions for the future of humanity". He jumps out the plane.

The w...

What's the worlds strongest animal?

A 'buff'alo

I am ironman.

God and Adam are having an argument one day over who is the strongest and most versatile creature in creation.

"The leopard can run faster than anything on land and the elephant contains the strength of one hundred of you," God told Adam.

Adam glared at God defiantly, "But I can outthi...

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

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So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The Ameri...

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"I'm the strongest man alive"

said the drunk man to the bartender. "Oh really? Well we actually have our own local strongman competition, if you're interested. Keep in mind, it's a bit obscure. You up for it?"
"Psh. I can do anything," he slurs.
"Okay. Your first test is behind that door. You need to hogtie a brown bear." ...

In the ancient village of Gennemill, there lived the Trids...

The Trids were a happy folk, mostly due to their vast riches. They weren't known for being warriors, or for being artists, or for their architecture, but simply because they had the most gold, an entire mountain of it infact. But one day the powerful dragon, Sorial, swooped down on Gennemill and ove...

Sherlock and Watson

Watson: If ionic bond is the strongest and most stable bond then why isn't everything in ionic bond?

Sherlock: Element-Try, Doctor Watson.

A captain, newly assigned to his ship, meets with his crew at the tavern before they sail.

The crew receives him well, and encourages him to join them in drinking and shenanigans. He declines the former, but joins in on the latter. The crew tells dirty jokes, but what really gets them roaring is joking about the tavern owner, Rex.

"You sure you don't mind the teasing? As the captai...

The captain and some navigators are smoking weed on the bridge on the titanic

When all of a sudden a cadet bursts in from the door releasing a big cloud of weed smoke right into his face. The cadet ignores it and starts exclaiming:

"Captain! I've spotted a huge ice block of ice right in our path, we need to change course, or we will hit it!"

"Naah, don't worry ...

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

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A warlock, a cleric, and a sorcerer walk into a bar.

They order a few too many drinks and all begin boasting about their magic abilities, arguing over whose are better. Unable to agree who is the strongest, they decide that the best way to settle it is to have a contest.


Whoever can get them kicked out of the bar wins.


The warlo...

Media has brainwashed my 3yo son.

He thinks Pikachu is the strongest Pokemon.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

A climate scientist and a climate-change denier walk into a bar

The climate-change denier goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest drink in the house.

The bartender takes out a bottle and says, "This is Absinthe, about 75% alcohol. Can I sell you a glass?"

The climate-change denier gets all upset and leaves the bar in a huff. The climate sc...

A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar alone and promptly addresses the bartender.

"A dozen shots of your strongest booze."

The bartender raises an eyebrow and stares him down as he slowly pours his drinks. As soon as the bartender has finished, the man starts pouring the shots down his throat as fast as ...

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

The Avengers and Deadpool....

For once, the Avengers and the Deadpool decide to team up and destroy a H.Y.D.R.A. base.

While trying to infiltrate the base they encounter a room, which leads them to a vault containing some files. Deadpool says he is the strongest, so he shall break all walls. Thor days his lightning can de...

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American P. O. W

At the end of the cold war their was an American Prisoner Of War still being held at a Russian military camp, The Russian commander walks up to the American and says "Your in luck my American friend for the war has ended." I am a fair commander but you have killed several of my men, I will however g...

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[LONG] Mike, Dave and John find a magic lamp in morroco

They buy it and take it to their hotel.

Mike rubs it just for fun, and to their surprise, a genius comes out.

"I will grant each one of you 3 wishes, choose wisely", the genius says.

Mike goes first: "I want to be the smartest man on the planet"

"Done", says the genius...

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An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

All the old farmer wanted to do was make his wife happy.

An old farmer came from riches, but he truly loved his wife. Unfortunately, she only wanted him for his money and would do anything to have it all for herself.

She complained about how much effort it took to plant, water, and grow the vegetables. So the old farmer built the strongest dam, and...

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

A pothead goes to the beach.

It's pretty obvious that he's been smoking earlier that day.
He gets to the beach and it's a quiet day. He notices, however that there are all manner of sea birds squawking and flying around like crazy. They're diving in and out of the water and pestering the few people who were out that day. He ...

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

I really excel at dressing up in armour

It's my strongest suit

[LONG] A few lumberjacks were realxing around a campfire after a long days work...

They had cracked open a couple of beers and were telling stories of the biggest trees they've cleared, and how easily they fell after 9 or 10 swings of their axe.

The biggest, burliest man speaks up after a few men had spoken and says, "That's nothing. I can cut down trees twice the size of t...

A man's wife goes into labor

After hours in labor she finally gives birth to a boy who was born with nothing from the neck down but is otherwise healthy.

Regardless, the father still treats him like a regular boy. They play catch together and watch TV together. He teaches the boy about cars and how to treat women and he ...

The hidden golden toilet

Two friends, Barry and Larry, meet up at the restaurant for lunch and order some food.

While eating, Barry talks about what happened to him a few nights ago:

“Man, you’re never going to believe me: on Thursday night after being quite drunk, I ended up in a bar where if you order the st...

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Johan, the ...

I was passing through a local village and decided to take a break from my travels and rest at the inn. Fortunately, the inn was attached to the local pub in which all the locals gathered for evening drinks. After dropping my bags off, I was excited to spend time and get to the know the town folk. As...

Why does Thanos Car have top of the line tires?

The hardest choices require the strongest of wheels.

The Americans and Russians

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's...

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Hugh the Blacksmith

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.

One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<...

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

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I didn't make this 4 years ago. This might not be the worst joke. I'm posting again for the ones who read the original by the original poster...this is my version to pay homage

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known porn star, and the other is a lazy ass. Lazy ass doesn't have a job and just likes to sit around the house. One Sunday, the porn star is angry and thirsty. He decides to make the brother do something useful....

Spermatozoons are flowing.

One shouts: "I am the STRONGEST, I will be the first". The second one shouts "I am the most HANDSOME, I will be the first". Suddenly the third spermatazoon screams "Guys, we are in an ass!!!" All spermatazoons are in panic, with screams and tears they turn and flow backward. Except the third spermat...

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Dida

3 adventurers while on safari were caught by tribals. The chief came to the tent they were held in and gave them 2 options. Death or Dida.

The 1st adventurer choose Dida, as anything is better than Death. The tribals took him away. After 1 hour, they carried him out to nearest town. When he p...

A group of scientists and engineers teamed up to create the best and more responsive set of Breaks and Tires. That's like 120 km/h to 0 km/s in 2 seconds...

... now they need to create the strongest windshield.

A man and a priest are sitting next to each other at a bar.

A waitress walks up to the man and say,

"can I get you anything to drink". The man replies,

"I've had a long week, my wife's been screaming at me for days and need a pick me up, give me the strongest thing you've got".

Then the waitress turns to the priest and asks him the sam...

A cowboy walks into a bar

and orders a dose of the strongest drink available. The bartender serves a glass, the cowboy drinks it all in a single swallow, hits the glass on the table and asks for more.

The bartender serves another dose and the cowboy again drinks it all in one gulp and asks for more. The bartender serv...

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american vs Russian in strong man competition.

In a world series of strong men, an American and a Russian made it to the finals. In the final they had to go in to 3 different rooms and fulfil 3 tasks

1. Drink 3 bottles of the strongest alcohol and come out on your feet

2. Break and bring back 2 teeth of a Lion

3. Fuck th...

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A sly fox jumps over a impulsive lioness

Once there lived a sly fox in a vast jungle. He knew every nook and corner of the jungle. One day he went to the lion's den and started calling out the lion for a fight.

The fox said,"Come out, you coward lion. I'm gonna carve out your inside with my bare hands". But the lion didn't move an i...

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

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A king goes to war

A king had to go away on the crusades, but his wife was so beautiful that he wasn't sure he could trust his eleven young male servants. So he went to a blacksmith and asked him for the strongest chastity belt in the place. The man brought out a strong belt with a hole in the center. The king was ske...

Why do crane operators seem to always get dates?

They have the strongest pick up lines.

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

So, tensions with Russia flair up...

... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 ye...

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The farmer ordered a new bull

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.

The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."

The seco...

A man is walking along the beach when...

...he trips over an antique lamp. A genie pours out, ominous and towering. "Thank you, kind soul," the genie says, "I have been trapped in that lamp for so long. You're a gentleman and a scholar for freeing me."

"I'm no such thing," says the man, "I'm a simple man with simple needs."

"...

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Barack Obama, the Pope, Hilary Clinton and a boy scout are on a plane...

The plane is about to crash when they realize there are only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger, President Obama said “I am the president of the United States, as much as it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I must insist I take a parachute. I have a great responsibility, being the leader...

I met an amputee in a bar

Everyone in the joint called him 'E'. He had been drinking there for a few years every single one of the locals knew him. Apparently he used to be the strongest guy in the town

"Ya know, I can still arm wrestle with the best of them" E said.

To which I replied

"you and what arm...

3 ducks walk into a bar

3 ducks walk into a bar, the first duck called Bob, goes up to the bar and says "It's been a hard day give me one of your strongest"

The bartender says "What have you been doing all day?"

The duck responds saying " just normal duck stuff, going in and out of puddles all day" and then ...

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon an ancient village.

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon a legendary ancient village. The villagers, who to the man's surprise are still alive and well, lavish him with praise. They think he must be a god! But he must first be tested, just to be sure.

So the chief of the village takes him to a row of ...

Russian joke from the 1940s

With all the new ships our navy has been getting, the Aurora is still by far the strongest. I mean, one single shot and an entire country is destroyed.

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