UPJOKE
ancient greecebraziletiquettenetherlandspaleolithicfacepubertywestern worldmuslim worldislampeeledrawfall of manhumanclothing

Stark Naked Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

What is Iron Man when he removes his suit?

Stark naked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scotsman,

A Scotsman, on the way home from a heavy drinking session
with his mates, collapses onto a park bench and falls into a
very deep stupor. Some time later 2 girls walk past and on
seeing him debate whether he has anything under his kilt.
They decide to look and discover he’s stark naked....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is mad at me...

W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"

M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"

W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

superman is flying along....

When he spots wonderwoman through a window in a hotel, she's on the bed stark naked and looks to be having the time of her life...

He thinks to himself.. "I could fly in at the speed of light, give her a quick one and fly out again before she even knew what happened!"

So with a sly gri...

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.....

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against ...

A guy comes home and finds his wife on the bed

Stark naked. "What are you doing here, naked?" he asks "Well, how else am I suppose to be? I have nothing to wear!" she yells at him. Guy gets angry and throws open the closet. "Nothing to wear?" he yells. "Look at how many dresses you have! Blue one. Green one, Grey one. Oh, hi Mike. Black one. Ano...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

‘They must have been English,’ declared the Englishman. Only a gentleman would share his first apple with a woman.’

‘They were undoubtedly French,’ said the Frenchman. ‘Who else could seduce a woman so easily?’

‘I think they were Russians,’ said the Russian. ‘After all, who else could ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying over Metropolis

And is feeling horny af. Suddenly, he sees Wonder Woman stark naked sunbathing on the roof of the Justice League HQ.

He thinks to himself "I'm Superman, right? Faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly down there and have my way with Wonder Woman and be away before she even realises..."
<...

An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”

So the two stri...

If you think about it, Iron Man, under all that technology, the fancy clothes and the expensive jewellery...

He is just... Stark naked!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to ...

There was once a man who got a divorce...

And there was a very good reason for it.

See, he woke up on the morning of his birthday and went downstairs for breakfast. He ate his breakfast, grabbed his packed lunch and coffee, grabbed his car keys, and took off to work. He was absolutely appalled, however, that not his wife or any of hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John is a mailman in a small town. Everyone in the town knows him. Today he is retiring.

Every house he went to, families were greeting him and congratulating him. Most game him gifts. Flowers, cards, presents ... until he got to the last house on his final route.

A woman came to the door stark naked. She quietly took him upstairs and made sweet passionate love to him for hours u...

Another taxi joke

A taxi driver, late one night, was startled to see a stark naked woman rush into his cab. She told the driver the address of her destination but the driver just continued to stare at her in disbelief.

Finally the woman shouted, "What's the matter? Never seen a naked woman before!"

"No...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

When the nurse does not listen

I went to visit a friend in hospital and was surprised to find him running terror stricken and stark naked down the corridor in the ward, chased by a nurse wielding a pair of scissors. Down the hall was the doctor, shouting " No, nurse, I said slip off his spectacles"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are having some trouble in the bedroom.

No matter what they try, the wife does not climax. They tried everything, from Lady on Top to Inverse Wheelbarrow, but the wife never reaches orgasm.

Eventually they decided that they needed some outside assistance, so they went to a doctor for some advice.

After they explained their...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady is rolling up and down the halls of the nursin home in her wheelchair making sounds like a car. VROOM VROOM!

An old man jumps out of his room and says "Ma'am you were speeding. License and registration please." She digs around in her purse, pulls out a candy wrapper and gives it to him. He looks it over, hands it back and sends her on her way with a warning.

The old lady is rolling up and down the h...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is getting out....

All of a sudden they hear the doorbell ring, so his wife wraps a towel around herself and goes downstairs to answer the door. Standing outside is their next door neighbour, Bob.

Bob gets a cheeky look on his face and tells the woman that he'll give her $800 if she drops the towel. She thinks...

The Circus needed a new act...

there were 2 performers gunning for the opportunity: a beatiful woman and a man badly dressed.

The woman started her act, which was lion taming: she stripped stark naked, entered the lion´s cage, and made the beast postrate and lick her entire body, from head to toes.

The ringmaster wa...

A twelve year old

This 12 year old boy was in his bead when he heard his mother moaning. He decided he'd go see what's wrong with her. When he looked in his mother's room he saw his mother laying stark naked on the bed, rubbing herself and saying , "I need a man. I need a man."
One night he heard his mother again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to heaven...

Here's one I heard a while ago, not sure if it's been on here before. Works better if read aloud.

John finds himself in heaven after dying in a car accident. He sees nothing but a golden ladder ahead of him and a sign telling him to climb it. He begins to climb, up through a layer of clouds....

I was driving with my three young children

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Dad, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,

and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women are in the locker room...

...getting ready to play racquetball, when a masked man runs in, stark naked, dick flopping all over the place.

The first woman looks down and says, "Well, it's certainly not *my* husband!"

The second woman looks too and says, "No, it's not him."

The third woman says "This guy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superhero Party

All the superheros were having a party. Everyone was there except Superman. The party went on for a few more minutes when Superman finally showed up. “Hey, Superman,” Batman said, “what took you so long?” “You won’t believe this,” Superman said, “But I was flying here when I looked down and saw W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jamaicans...

***If you have a thing against bad accents, you're going to have a bad time.***

...Are browsing thru some generic, privately-owned shop. On their way out one of them remarks, "Dere's nuting to do in dis town." The couple who owns the shop overhears this while clerking at the front counter and...

I'll take my chances

A Sunday church service was coming to an end. This gorgeous blonde girl started to make her way out to get ahead of the crowd.

As she was walking down the stairs, her dress got caught on the corner of a railing and was instantly pulled off. She was stark naked in the middle of the church. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy moves into a new apartment complex and decides to throw a party to meet the neighbours.

He decides the theme of the party is to dress up as a feeling (e.g. red for angry, blue for sad, etc).

The party is going off without a hitch and he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door to find two Jamacian guys standing there stark naked.

One has his dick...

A woman calls the police on a naked man who stands in full view of her highrise window

A thread on r/ relationships today reminded me of this old joke:

A woman who lives in a high-rise calls the police because there is a man in a building across from hers who stands stark naked in front of his window for long periods every day.

A policeman comes out to corroborate her co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.

The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion. After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party. Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door. Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was out selling apples raising money for his boy scout troop...

He's going door to door in an apartment complex and he knocks on one of the doors.

The door opens and there is standing the most stunning woman Johnny has ever seen completely naked.

Johnny stammers out "Good day lady. Would you like to buy some apples?"

The woman grabs Johnny ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving through the desert in a convertible with his girlfriend...

She says, " Drive fast, speed turns me on. I'll get undressed more the faster you drive."
He accelerates to 65 mph, she takes off her jeans.
"Ohh, yeah, go faster!"
He gets up to 80 mph, she takes off her shirt. She's just in her bra and thong.
"Baby, you know how to make a girl horny!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new emotion

So one Halloween a group of friends decided to throw a small costume party with the theme being you need to dress as an emotion. The party begins and everyone is enjoying themselves until they realize that Darryl hasn't shown up yet. The doorbell rings and in walks Darryl stark naked with nothing bu...

An old lady in a nursing home...

Was going up and down the corridor on her zimmer frame when an elderly retired policeman jumps out in front of her.

"You were speeding just then madam," he says "could I have your driver's license?" She hands over her library card which he studies carefully, and hands it back to her with a ra...

Two priests are showering

Two priests are showering when one says to the other “Damn I’m out of soap”

The other priest says “I’ll go to my office and get some”.

So the priest picks up two bars of soap from his office, but on his way back he hears the voices of two nuns down the hall.

The priest, stark ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Quick Ones

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is cheating on his husband and having group sex with three men...

When all of a sudden, the husband returns home from work early.

In a panic, the three men run to the backyard stark naked, and looking around, they see three large garbage bags and decide to hide in them and so each one gets into a bag.

The husband comes in the bathroom, sees his wife...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad day

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven. The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man bought his wife sexy lingerie for Women's Day...

Seventy-five year old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Women’s Day.
Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anniversary story

An elderly couple is nearing their 50th wedding anniversary so the husband decides to do something to try and keep things fresh in the bedroom. After 50 years of marriage it’s not such a bad idea.

He goes down to the store and asks the shop assistant to show him a nice shear negligee. She sel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation.

They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says American, "So ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Special

Two buddies are out at a bar swapping stories and getting wasted.

Just as last call is signaled, one of them remarks to the other, "You know, Jon, its been a long time since I really gave it to a woman. I mean, just really let her have it, you know?" He pounded his fist into his palm lightly...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.