A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young woman in her short, pink mini-dress.

Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working gir...

My favorite word is "drool.

It just rolls off the tongue.

Untitled joke

A starving man stumbles into a tavern, practically drooling from the smell of stew wafting out of the building.
He staggers to the bar and is about to order some food when he realizes he forgot his wallet.
Looking around in hopes of seeing someone familiar he could ask for help, he sees an ang...

Day 19 of the experiment...

"Day 19 of the experiment, I have successfully conditioned my master to give me food,smile,and write in his book every time I drool." - Pavlov's Dog

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Three guys die and go to hell. The devil meets them at the gate and explains,

“Welcome to Hell. Here, I will subject you to ironic punishment.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “What was your major vice in life?”

“Women,” The guy said, “I loved the company of women.”

“Very well,” the devil replied before opening the door to a room full of beautiful wom...

I don't think that's a drool stain.

A pretty young girl goes into a her local dry-cleaners with an evening dress under her arm. She shows the dress to the old man behind the counter and asks
"It's really not too dirty except for this one stain, can you take care of the stain for me, please?"
The old man is hard of hearing ...

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual reunion of all time greats.......

\* Newton said he'd drop in.
\* Socrates said he'd think about it.
\* Ohm resisted the idea.
\* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
\* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
\* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
\* Volta was electrified at the prospe...

I made fun of an art college student with drool hanging off his face...

He decided to draw my caricature and had passers by vandalise it with mucus to teach me a lesson.

It was the spitting image of me.

I drool as I watch the gyro meat getting sliced off the stick for my wrap...

... then I wonder - is that how vegans feel when they watch someone mowing the lawn?

Best things to say if you're caught sleeping on your desk...

“They told me at the blood bank this
might happen.”


“This is just a 15 minute power-nap as
described in that time management course you sent me.”


“Whew! Guess I left the top off
the White-Out You probably got here just in time!”


“I wasn’t sleepin...

War Story

When I was 19 I joined the Navy cause, why not?

I ended up as a Navy Seal and get deployed to Iraq for 6 years.

Not even sure who we're fighting at this point.
Lose half my friends I had in the Navy but come home.

My family hardly talks to me now, but at least my dog still re...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling?

Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?

What did the average University of Alabama student get on their SAT test?

Drool

sea

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
When your eyes glass over and shine like you’ve broken your spine, that’s a moray.
The ambulance bells will ring, and they’ll ting
And you’ll siiiiing
“That’s a moray”
When the jaws open wide and there’s more teeth ...

My wife said it's either her or the dog.



So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath. . . or my beloved canine.

Hey Homer, did you hear about the Impeachment?

Mmmmm peach mint (drool noises)

A bodybuilder meets a woman at a bar, ...

and after a number of drinks, they agreed to go back to his place.

As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
...

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.

I don't know whether it's because the whole family was watching, because the underwear was still on, or because I was drooling over over the coffin.

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

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A young couple is walking in the zoo

as they suddenly stop in front of a gorilla figure. The gorilla stares at the young woman and turns to the bars to get a better view. The husband says, "Hey, he seems to be on you."

The young woman laughs and starts to play around with her blouse. The gorilla starts drooling and his DingDong...

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There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room.

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room. She had been doing this, and doing it well, for 45 years. She was a good nurse, always sharp as a tack, but she was getting to the point in life where she was just starting to get endearingly scatter brained. She would frequently get...

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the w...

A vulture and his son

A long time ago, in a very flat place, there lived a teenage vulture named Red. He and his father were the only vultures around, and dined on the various animals that were hit by trucks on the highway. As most teenagers do, Red eventually got tired of his diet of dead things.

"Dad" he whined....

How can you tell if a stage is level?

The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth

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NSFW A guy goes to get his girlfriend a dog for her birthday.

This guy's girlfriend wants a dog for her birthday. He decides he's going to treat her, and heads too a local dog breeder. He says, "I want to buy a dog for a girlfriend". He looks at a few of the various breeds, asks how much one of their cute puppies cost. The man replies, "$1,500 plus shots." He ...

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An Irishman, an American, a Jew and a Greek all die...

When they get to Heaven, they're given the chance to go back to Earth and give it one more shot.

"But whatever sin you committed most in life, you must not even think once of committing it again," they're told, "Or you'll be right back up here."

All four end up together back on Earth, ...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.

One turns to the other and says, "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"

John replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, I wear a diaper, and...

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Bob & Charlie

Bob and Charlie are the only patients in ward D of a mental institution. Bob is hyperactive and delusional while Charlie is catatonic. Their nurse checks in on them three times a day.

At the beginning of her shift the nurse starts walking over to Bob's room and hears him making loud truck sou...

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A homeless guy is sitting on a bus

He's sitting on a bus, right behind the driver.

At the next stop in comes a nun, but not any nun, the most beautiful nun the homeless guy has ever seen, so beautiful in fact, that he just can't keep his mouth closed, drooling and moaning and groping the air towards her until she gets too frea...

The cowboy and his very smart horse (kinda long)

A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell him that they're going to execute him at noon tomorrow. Now, these bandits seem to be pretty nice guys who just happen to be in a nasty line of work, and they ask the cowboy if he has any last requests before he dies...

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he just won fifty thousand dollars

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room i...

Just some jokes about musicians.

How do you know the stage at a concert is level?
Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do floutists eat for breakfast?
Flute loops.

How do you tune three oboeists?
Shoot 2 of them.
...

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College Football Jokes - Enjoy!

Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two.

> Ohio State's
> Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know
> the meaning of the word
> fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
> the meaning of a lot of
> words...

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Captain Loony Doubloon

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Doubloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among anoth...

The neighbor's dog always made Johnny wake up at night...

All the barking made having a good night's rest difficult. It came to a point that having little sleep affected his performance at work. Once he was caught by his boss drooling on the keyboard.

Johnny went to the doctor and explained his situation.

"Here's some sleeping pills. That oug...

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A trucker walks into a diner and orders a sandwich.

After a few minutes he gets his order and starts eating quietly, bothering nobody.

Three bikers enter the diner and the smallest one walks over to the trucker's table and picks up his sandwich and takes a big, drooling bite. The whole time he chews he just stares down, mean and ugly, at the t...

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A grandfather and grandson are fishing together...

A grandfather and his grandson are fishing together off of a dock. They are both sitting in silence until the grandfather pulls out a bottle of whiskey from his lunch bag and pours himself a glass. The grandson asks,

"Grandpa, may I please try some of your whiskey?"

To which the grand...

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Tasty food....

Two homeless guys are walking down the street in the new town they hitchhiked to going door to door begging for food. They come to the last house on the last street in a little neighborhood. A beautiful blonde woman answers the door wearing nothing but a towel. The first man pleas with the woman for...

What did the mentally handicapped kid get on his math test?

Drool

I had a package delivered

And it was covered in drool and crayon.

That's the last time I pay for a special delivery.

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