Oldie Jokes - 67 Hilarious Oldie Jokes

Oldie, but Goldie...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

Never F#@k With Oldies...

“Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
...

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

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Another oldie...

A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,
“Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!"
“So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply....

Oldie, but a goodie

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber...

A Golden Oldie Blonde joke...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a t...

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

Oldie, but goodie - The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"Wha...

Blonde Joke (oldie but a goodie)

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are standing in front of a firing squad about to be executed. The executioner chooses the redhead first...

Executioner - Do you have any words to say before you die?
Redhead - no
Executioner - ready, aim...
(The redhead screams) "TORNADO!"
**Ever...

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An oldie but a goodie, for my dad

No, my dad's not dead! But he loves a good joke and this one leapt into my mind 40 years after I first heard it.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender is like hey, we don't allow dogs in here! But this guy is super posh and his dog is absolutely stunning! He says "This is a p...

An oldie but a goodie...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They find 3 potato sacks set out for trash collection on the side of the road. They each jump in one.

Having lost the girls, the police stop at the potato sacks because they see the sacks moving. An officer pokes the sack conta...

An oldie but a goldie

Two blondes decide to go on a jungle treck. However, soon, one of them gets bit by a venomous snake and falls to the ground unconscious. Seeing this, the other one calls an emergency number.

"Hello. How may I help you?" A man on the other end says

"Well, my friend just got bit by ...

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Oldie but goodie.

A man walks into a bar, and immediately notices a man on the other end of the bar with a tiny guy playing a tiny piano in front of him. Intrigued by this, the man walks up and asks where the hell the dude got the little guy playing a piano. The man said, "Oh, well, there's this cave out in the deser...

Oldie but goodie

A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said "You've got one wish, make it snappy" The young woman said "I th...

Oldie but a goodie

An old farmer was busy plowing his field when he heard a terrible noise and looked up. A busload of politicians was careening wildly down the road, then spun out of control, flipped several times, and crashed into tree.

The old farmer hurried to the site of the accident. Seeing the wreckage ...

An oldie, hopefully you haven't heard it before

A sickly vampire was talking to his three sons

"To decide who's going to have my inheritance", he said to them, "I have a challenge. Whoever brings me the most blood by the end of the day, gets my money".

The three sons set off, each excited to be the heir.

After about half an h...

Oldie but goodie

During a job interview, the interviewer asked me if I had any impressive qualities? I said, "Yes, I'm very fast with math!" Suspicious he asked me to prove it. He told me to solve 327x49. I said 34,567! He pulled out his calculator and put it in. With a confused look on his face he says, "That's not...

and oldie but a goodie

back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.

when his friend sen...

An oldie...

How is farming the most magical of professions???

Cos as a farmer you turn almost everything into a field...

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Oldie but goodie

A man went to the police station and said "Officer, I think my wife might be dead!" the incredulous cop replied, "What do you mean you *think* your wife may be dead?!" The man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink!"

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

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An oldie from my grandfather.

The night was dark.
The sky was blue.
And, down the ally the shitwagon flew.
A bump was hit.
A scream was heard.
A man was killed by a flying turd.

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Oldie, but no one I tell has ever heard it

One day there was a bunny hopping through the forest when he comes across a deer rolling up a joint.

The bunny says "Mr. Deer...don't waste your life on drugs. Prance through the forest with me and be free!" Mr. Deer thinks "Ya know...he's right. What am I doing with my life?"

So he p...

Snail joke (oldie but goodie)

A snail walks into a bar, hops up on the bar stool
and orders a Jack & Coke. The bartender says “sorry no snails allowed here” ....and the bartender kicks out the snail.

2 weeks later the snail finally re-enters the bar again and asks: “what the f*ck did you do that for”?

An oldie but a goodie...

There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday an...

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Oldie but goodie.

There once was a small town, plagued with Foo birds. These were small but loathsome things. Harbingers of death, these birds were. Wherever they poo’d there would be death. The townsfolk were afraid to walk under trees and power lines, in case they became a Foo bird’s next victim.

Well one d...

Oldie but goldie

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out a...

An oldie for my first cakeday.

Aside from that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

Oldie

The UN organised a 30 minutes meeting where they asked one question to all attendees:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

It was a huge failure.

The Africans didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern...

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Oldie but goodie

At Bob’s regular therapy session, the discussion move towards his dreams.

Bob mentions he keeps having a recurring dream that he is a tepee touring the Pow Wow circuit.

He is not of indigenous origin so his therapist is intrigued and wonders how this could be.

He asks Bob to ...

(Oldie but goodie) Why did Beethoven quit fishing?

Because you can’t tune a fish but you can tuna a piano

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Oldie but goodie

Girl says to her mother “I read better than half the other girls in my class Momma is it because I’m blonde”? “Yes honey it’s because you’re blonde”. “I can run faster than most of the other girls too momma, is it because I’m blonde”? “Yes honey it’s because you’re blonde”. “I have big boobies too m...

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Superman (oldie but goodie)

One day Superman is flying around Metropolis as he normally does.

He looks down and notices through the open window of her apartment, Wonder Woman, laying on her bed, legs spread apart, completely naked.

The thought occurs to him; he's as fast as a speeding bullet, he could fly down ...

Oldie but goodie

What do you call an occupied lavatory on an in-flight 747?

Hypotenuse.

Here's an oldie...

What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss muffet have in common?

A.They both had Kurds in their way.

Here's an oldie but goodie that hopefully hasn't been re-posted a thousand times:

A man is making love to his boss's wife and she passionately whispers in his ear, "Kiss me!"

He says, "Are you out of your mind? I shouldn't even be doing THIS!'

I read that in Bob Newhart's autobiography years ago and it has always stuck out as one of those weird jokes that halfwa...

An oldie, but goodie.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will c...

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Oldie but a goldie

A man who drank alot was told by his wife "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you". Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank alot and was sick all over his shirt.

He told his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me".

His friend said "I tel...

Another “So Oldie It’s Moldy” joke

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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Irish Toast

An oldie but a goodie

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toa...

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An oldie but a goodie

A guy is walking through the village in NY and passes a porn shop that his buddy owns. He decides to go in and say hi. He walks in and his buddy Jon is behind the counter.
When Jon sees his old friend he says, “any chance you could look after the shop for a bit, I haven’t had lunch yet”. “No pro...

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

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Oldie but a Goodie

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. "Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing!"

The guy he's...

Oldie but a goodie

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

Oldie but a goodie.

There are four people on a small plane heading north over Canada. The pilot, Trump , the pope and a random backpacker.
Suddenly the engine starts emitting black smoke and dies.
As the plane slowly starts to fall the pilot rips open a compartment with three parachutes, takes one and sho...

Oldie but still good...

This seems to fit here:

Some sub-par counterfeiters discovered that their latest run of bills were all $18 denominations. They realized that they couldn’t pass them off in the city so they headed out to the hinterlands to try and pass them off.

They stopped at a backwoods general stor...

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Just heard this variation on an oldie!

A hat maker was trying to sell his hats on a hot summers day. After having no luck for 4 hours under the sun, he decided to take a short rest underneath a gigantic tree. He set his briefcase of hats down, took one out to cover his face, and laid down on the grass. With the shade from his hat and the...

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An oldie, but a........ Well, at least it's old

An American soldier on leave in Bangkok has spent all of his time frequenting the local brothels and enjoying many of their girls. After a couple of days he notices a rash beginning to form on his penis. In another day or so, his member is inflamed, swollen and red. Soon it's burning horribly and dr...

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An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. (Oldie)

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

Oldie but goodie: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi jammin

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Oldie but a Goodie

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"

To which Harry replied, "Well...

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Goodies but oldies

This is actually a repost from along time ago but fuck it. Thank you for thr 2 day long laugh guy here it goes.

One day this home owner goes to his back yard and sees a freaking gorrilla on his tree. He freaks out so he searches up for a gorrila expert on the yellow book. He calls and the...

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[Oldie but an goldie] A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet...

While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the s...

An oldie but goodie: A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana

He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear slams his paw down and demands a beer. The bartender repeats "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, now furious, looks around...

Rabbi Joke (oldie)

A woman comes in to see her Rabbi and says "my husband doesn't listen to anything I say, I think he doesn't appreciate me!"

"You are right" replies the Rabbi nodding solemnly, and the woman leaves satisfied.

The next day, the husband comes into see the Rabbi and says "my wife told me t...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

An oldie but a goodie. [It's a version of an older joke]

On November 14, 1984, the United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.

In Africa, families were confused about what "food"...

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Oldie but goodie. A man with no arms and no legs is hanging out on a bridge, crying.

A lady walks up to him and asks “why are you crying?”. The man responds “I was born with no arms and no legs, and life has been cruel. I’ve never felt the embrace of a woman giving me a hug”.

So the lady wraps her arms around him, tells him it’s gonna be okay, but he’s still crying. So she as...

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

Trump and Obama - oldie but goldie

It's time for Obama to step down. As a final duty Obama gives Trump the combination to the office safe and tells him, "There are three envelopes in there labelled "1", "2", and "3". If you end up in trouble, open envelope "1". He says his goodbyes and rides off into the sunset.

A couple of we...

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

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An oldie, but a goodie. [NSFW] [Long]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar filled with $100 bills lying on the counter. From the looks of it, there's at least ten grand in the jar. He asks the bartender about it. "It's part of a bet we've got going on," the bartender tells him. "You place $100 in the jar, and then you have to complete ...

Oldie but goodie.

My buddy and I were out hunting one afternoon. He decided he had to take a dump, so he dripped his pants and squatted down. while he was taking care of business a rattlesnake slithered up behind him and bit him on the head of his tally wacker.
He jumbed up with both hands wrapped around it and ...

An oldie, but a goodie...

Back in the days of vaudeville, a man walks into a talent agent's office with a small dog under his arm.

"This is the most amazing act you've ever seen!" he declares "What I have here is an ACTUAL TALKING DOG! Prepare to be amazed!"

With that he places the dog on the agent's desk and...

an oldie but a goodie

This farmer buys a dog to go duck hunting with. The first day out he shoots a duck and it falls in the lake. To his amazement the dog walks on the water over to the duck, picks it up and brings it back to the farmer.

To test his disbelief he shoots another one. Once again the dog walks over a...

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