UPJOKE
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Smartass Student

Teacher to Student: Can you use the word "harassment" in a sentence?

Student: "Her ass meant" a lot to me.

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This is a story of a smartass parrot.

This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it’s a real “smart-ass” with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperament.

The woman says, “That’s okay, I know how to handle smartasses like that. I want the parrot anyhow.”
S...

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Buying cat treats at Walmart today

TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smartass remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding the food. Her lit...

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My smartass 14-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates.

I finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds, before proudly exclaiming, “Who’s your Daddy?”

He replied, “Mum says it was probably the milkman.”

The little bastard.

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A mailman walking down the street saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit.

He had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman.”

This pissed the mailman off. He went up the street, saw a fireman, and told him what the boy was doing and what a smartass the kid was. T...

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."...

Joseph and jack were hanging out at night

Jack : "so joseph , do you know what's closer, the moon or Mexico?"

Joseph: "of course, its the moon"

Jack: "Wait what"

Joseph: "Can you see mexico from here ,smartass"

A blonde was speeding....

A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.

The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.

She asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse ...

Genie: You have 3 wishes

...but no wish for more wishes, more genies, or more lamps, ha!

Me (being a smartass): I wish you were reaaaaally bad at counting.

Genie: Sure boy, you have zero wishes left.

Farmer Smartass

A grandson goes to visit his grandfather's farm. He asks his grandfather, "Why does that chicken house have two doors?"

The grandfather replies, "It has two doors because it's a chicken coop. The one over there with four doors is a chicken sedan."

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An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked:

What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

The entir...

A cop stopped a car and said, “Congrats you just won $1000 for wearing your seatbelt!”

He replies,”Do u think I’m good enough to get a license?” Then a woman in the passenger seat said,”Don’t listen to him, he becomes a smartass when he’s drunk.” Someone else in the backseat says,”I knew we wouldn’t get too far with a stolen car.” Finally a knock comes from the trunk and someone says,...

The ventriloquist...

...and his dummy were getting big laughs with their repertoire of blonde jokes.

Midway through the act, a blonde woman in the audience stood up and yelled, "This is offensive! Is it right to stereotype people by their race? No! Is it right to stereotype people by their religion? No! So...

What did the ocean say to the other ocean when they saw each other?

Nothing. They didnt even wave. Oceans cant communicate smartass

Shutup, manners and trouble

So there were a couple kids playing hide and seek in a national park, their names were Shutup, Manners and Trouble. When it was Manners time to count Shutup and Trouble went to go hide. After a couple mins of looking Manners found Shutup. The search continued for Trouble, but after an hour they c...

My grandfather was complaining about how this generation is too reliant on technology.

Now me being the smartass that I am, called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

“Hands up, this is a robbery!” He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; “Hey, shouldn’t you be robbing a blood bank?”

The vampire turns to them and grins.
“No, see, I’m cursed.” He explain...

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A man was driving his car on the highway..

When a man in red stopped him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the red pig and I want a ride". "I don't give rides to pigs" said the driver and he went on his way.

A few metres later a man in green stops him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the gree...

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A guy walks into a bar...

and orders a rum and coke. The bartender tells they guy "coming right up" and reaches behind the bar, then places an apple in front of the guy. Confused the guy asks "what's this, an apple? I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says "trust me take a bite". Reluctently the guy takes a bite. To his...

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The best pickup line joke. Feel free to use the punchline in all your prospective hook ups.

Two guys are hanging out in a bar. One is trying to pick up women and being a smartass, the other is just a drunk.

The smartass goes up to a woman and uses his favorite pickup line. "Hey! Tickle you ass with a feather?"

The bar is loud and the woman, assuming she misheard, says "Excu...

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So there is this scientist right? And the dudes a fuckin genius. I’m talking different dimension destroying genius aight.

But this guy, THIS FUCKIN GUY, decides “eh, fuck it I’m bored” and he turns himself into the most outrageous thing! Smartass dude turns himself into a pickle! A FUCKIN PICKLE. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen.

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A veterinary student is taking an important exam, and it's come to such a point that him passing or not passing depends on the last question.

The question is "How to perform an abortion in a domestic goat?".

Unfortunately, the student doesn't know the answer and fails the exam. Afterwards he goes to a bar to drown his sorrows.

When he comes there, the bartender asks him:

- You seem to have something on your mind. How...

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

A police officer stopped a car on the highway

and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?"

The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!"

His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's...

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A veterinary student is having an exam.

Unfortunately, he is in grave danger of failing.

Thankfully, the professor likes him, so he decides to ask the student a bonus question - if he answers correctly, he passes, if not, then he fails.

The professor asks the student: "Can you tell me how to perform an abortion on a goat?"<...

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Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.

One of the guys, Jeff, is there, bragging about how he has a really fast dog that can almost beat the horses. He bets everyone there 300$ that their pets can’t beat his dog in a race. The other guy, Steve, is wearing a trench coat. Steve walks up to Jeff and takes him up on the bet.

After the...

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So I was smoking while on balcony. Couldn't find an ashtray, threw the butt off the window.

A little boy (maybe 10 or so) was playing down there, and cigarette landed right before his feet. So he looks up directly at me and says:
-You shouldn't throw rubbish out of your window, that's bad. If everyone stops doing that, we would live in so much better place!

That made me feel un...

A college student is giving a highschooler a tour of the University.

So there are two guys, one is a college Sophomore and the other is a highschool senior. The Sophomore is giving the highschooler a tour of the University.

"And here we have the Women's Studies department."
The highschooler, a smartass, replies, "What about the Men's studies department?"...

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One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

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A rabbit needs to shit in the woods...

... but the animals have agreed in the sake of understandable issues not to crap all over the place where they live. And let me tell you they also appointed the local police-bear to watch out for any rule-breakers.

Still, the rabbit is feeling a very hard urge to let go a few of his brown dr...

Driving on the highway

Ed was driving on the highway when a cop pulled him over and informed him that he'd won a $1000 safe driving award.

"So what are you going to spend the money on?" asked the cop

"I guess I'll use it to get that drivers' license." smiled Ed.

"Take no notice, officer," said Jenny i...

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Guy walks into a dr office complaining about a tennis elbow.

Dr- okay I need you to pee into a cup
Patient- why? It’s my EL-BOW!
Dr- ::sigh:: we have this new machine in back and all it needs is the patients urine and it will diagnose ANYthing. Will you just humor me?

The patient agrees, goes into the bathroom, produces a urine sample, hands the ...

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