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Dumbass Jokes

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a mathematician a riddler and a dumbass were at the gate of heaven

the angel at the gate frowned and apologized to the men "im sorry, but heaven is too full! if you want to come in you will have to trick the devil!" the devil appeared, smiling at the men, "well which one of you want to go to hell first?". after a pause, the mathematician walked up and handed the de...

Dad: Hey son, have you heard that joke with the deaf guy and a dumbass?

Son: No, what is it?

Dad: I'm sorry, what?

Son: What's the joke?

Dad: I can't hear you.

Son: I hate you.

Ok, so some dumbass has dementia

What was I saying again?

Look, dumbass, I've got your phone!

Owner looks at iPhone, iPhone unlocks, thief runs off with it.

My dumbass brother made a YouTube video by firing dad's taser at the camera.

What happened next will shock you.

People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses.

Use a pan,for God's sake.

Who is a "dumbass"

While at college, foreign students found an online English-to-English dictionary of American slang.

Awesome read, but almost all agreed there was no need to look up for the word "dumbass" as it was completely clear.

One student persisted.

And got the answer - the dictionary stat...

What do you call a dumbass who doesn’t hesitate to speak?

dbass


Get it?

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A cop walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub.

He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as im waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales dumbass." So I ask agai...

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

A guy overhears two women at the bar talking with an accent

He walks up to them and asks “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but hear you speak, are you two ladies from Scotland perhaps?”.

The women turn toward him and one of them rudely replies “it’s Wales, dumbass!”.

He says “Excuse me, are you two whales from Scotland?”

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Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

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Why does Africa never win the Olympics?

Because it's a continent, dumbass.

Dumbass Miner

There were two miners were working in a mine. On top there is an office.

Miner A asks Miner B: Why do we have to work in these dirty mines while those guys up there sit in an fully air-conditioned office in their fancy chairs and expensive computers.
Miner B: Because they are smarter than ...

Three dumbass people were sleeping on a bed.

There wasn't enough space for the three of them. One of them moved to sleep on the floor. When he went, one of the dumb guys called him and said "dude come back! There's suddenly a lot of space here!"

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Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

My in depth research says that 73% people are good at maths

The rest 37% are dumbasses though

My dumbass just pulled my phone closer to hear better...

I'm wearing blutooth headphones.

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What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

One dumbass who never pulls out in time.

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My new favorite paradox.

Me: " All the smartest people in the world think the rest of us are idiots."

What a bunch of fucking dumbasses.

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I woke up in panic and told my wife of a nightmare where my brain ran away

She said “No, dumbass. It’s all in your head”

A church decides that god will protect them from the Corona Virus

As a result, **they all agree that they should not wear masks**, because they trust god so much. Weeks later, they all are infected and die from the virus.

They go to heaven and ask god, **"why didn't you protect us?"**

God responded **"that's what the masks were for you dumbasses"**

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A man bursts into his bedroom, holding a duck....

He is clearly drunk, his wife notices as she wakes up.

"This is the pig I fuck when you've got a headache!" he screams.

"That's a duck, dumbass," his wife replies.

He tells her, "I was talking to the duck!"

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Hey dumbass, stop texting my girlfriend. Do you want some problems?

"Hey dumbass, stop texting my girlfriend. Do you want some problems?"

"What if I do?"

"Ok, take note: If a train is traveling at 72 km/h on a road of 360 km, how much time will it take to arrive?"

"Damn you, man. I'll live her alone, just calm down."

"That's better, assho...

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure. He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead.

The captain gasped.

"...Carol??"

"Hey, loser," she droned, relieving herself between two pines. "I see you're still looking for buried treasure like a c...

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Why is the bride smiling when she is walking down the isle?

Because she knows she has given her last blow job.

Edit-Aisle ….. cannot spell. I’m a dumbass from Florida.

I help blind children.

Verb, not an adjective.

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Sherlock and Watson go camping

After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep.

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"

Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, ...

Two rednecks went to the beach

The younger of the two said "This sucks, man! None of the girls are even noticing me!"

His older friend said "I tell you what- maybe if you put a sock in your swim trunks, that would help get you some more attention."

So the younger boy went to the changing room and adjusted his swimw...

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Two men are drinking in a bar.

One of them looks across the bar and sees two old drunks sitting at a table. He turns to his friend and says, "In ten years, that'll be us."

His friend looks and says, "That's a mirror, dumbass."

Hey you! Over there!

Two blonde Karens were walking along opposite sides of a river. One shouted to the other “Hey you, how do I get to the other side of this river”? Back came the answer “Well DUH dumbass, you ARE on the other side of the river”!

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Simple Simon met a pie man, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, " what have you got there?"

"Pies, dumbass."

I hate people who think discovering Nirvana is some kind of an achievement.

Dumbass Buddhists...

A dinner.

Jack: Hey, Ryan. Do you want seconds?

Ryan: Yeah.

Jack: Then why don't you eat a clock you dumbass!

Ryan: I would but it would be very time consuming.

[Tasteless] Lost my great uncle in the Holocaust

Dumbass fell off the guard tower.

Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme par...

Dad: what mouse walks on 2 feet?

Me:
Dad: Mickey Mouse
Dad: What duck walks on 2 feet?
Me: Donald Duck?
Dad: All ducks, dumbass

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Why do scuba divers fall backwards

Because if they fall forward they fall in the boat dumbass.

So a man is drowning

A boat comes by and said,”sir do you need help?”. The man said,”no thanks god will save me”. Another boat comes by and said,”do need help, you’re gonna die.” The man replies,”no thanks god will save”

The man dies and asks god,”Why didn’t you save me god?,” God replies,”You dumbass I sent you...

A teacher was correcting exams from his students.

When he saw the exam of Joe, a student he hated, he gave him 0% without even reading his exam and wrote at the bottom:

"Stupid! Dumbass!"

When Joe received his copy, he was so shocked he went straight to the teacher's office and said:

"Sir, you didn't even read my exam. All I ...

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Do you know why can't you eat soup in the Matrix?

Because there is no such thing as the Matrix, dumbass. It's just a movie.

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Two Calculus Professors Are Grabbing Dinner Together

Two calculus professors are grabbing dinner together.

The first one says to the other: “Why do we teach our students calculus? They just cram it for the tests then forget it.”

The second professor says: “They don’t forget it after the final I’ll prove it to you. The next time the wai...

When you die, you don’t know you’re dead. It’s just painful for everyone around you.

It’s the same when you act like a dumbass

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An Australian, Englishman and a Irishman sit down for lunch.

They all pullout there lunch a vegimite sandwich for the Australian, soup for the Englishman and a patato for the Irishman. They all sigh and say 'if I have this for lunch one more time I'm going to kill myself!'

The next day the all have the same thing and they all follow through with there ...

The other day I failed my grade 10 English exam for the third year in a row

My friend called it quite a feat.

I smugly corrected him and said, "the singular is actually 'a foot.'"



How did that dumbass even pass??

My son said he has F buddies at school.

I wish he had A* buddies and stopped hanging out with dumbasses.

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Bob and Jeff buy 2 horses

Bob: So how do we recognize them?
Jeff: I'll cut mine an ear so we will know which one is which.

*Jeff cuts an ear from his horse.When he looks back he sees that Bob did the same thing to his*

Jeff: You idiot! How are we gonna recognize them now? I'm going to cut the other ear.
...

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

Two ghosts were sharing stories of their deaths.

Juan asked first, "What killed you?"

"I was locked inside a fridge," Pedro said, "I was cold and trembling, then suffocated after an hour."

"That sucks man," replied Juan. "I got a heart attack and passed away."

"What happened?", asked Pedro.

"As I got...

As a doctor, I get a load of stupid questions.

Just the other day some dumbass came in asking if I can fix his internal bleeding. That’s where the blood is supposed to be, moron!!!!

Give a man a fish...

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to google, he quits asking dumbass questions.

I made a time machine to travel back to the year 2001. You see my son had his first soccer game then, and I missed it only to show up 10 minutes after it ended.

When I go back to the past I'll tell myself that it isn't worth ditching work for and that the little dumbass loses the game anyways.

Two blondes are building a house

As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.

Blonde 1: What are you doing?!

Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.

Blonde 1: You dumbass! Those are for the other side of the house!

A drunk man was looking confused at a hand mirror

"I've seen this person before" he said.
His drunk friend grabbed the mirror from his hand to take a look "That's me you dumbass".

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I tried to force feed my child

After a few minutes my wife said "Use a fucking spoon you dumbass, you're not a Jedi."

The Darkest Joke I Know

A boy is blind from the day he is born, Never knowing his mothers face never knowing colors and never knowing anything except what he can feel, smell, hear, or touch.

One night the boy is in his bedroom when his mother comes in and sits down on the bed beside him, she says "Sweetie I have som...

A german walks into a bar

and orders one martini. The bartender asks:
"Dry?"
The German replies
"No, one you dumbass!"

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Parking tickets

My father and I went shopping. When we got out of the shop, a policeman was writing a parking ticket. My father told, "Come on, cut some slack here, we just went out for a few minutes." Policeman didn't seem to care and continued his business.

So my father called him a dumbass. So now police...

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