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Scales Jokes

Someone stole my broken bathroom scales...

...but I'm confident they won't get a weigh with it.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

C major (one of the popular scales) is chatting with a fellow partygoer when D major walks in.

C major is a friend, so she decides to pay her a compliment.

"You look sharp!", she says.

"Thanks! I love the natural look!"

At this, the lady scale she was chatting with leaves, flustered.

"Who was that?", D major asks, confused.

"Oh, Just Bb major. Can't take a j...

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly!

I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you

But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"

Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

You want to know why I have a sheep skull on my bathroom scales?

Weigh a head of ewe.

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

My wife caught me standing on the scales, sucking in my stomach

“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.


“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took the manure truck across the scales

It weighed a shit ton

An old pianist is playing some scales when he suddenly gets a heart attack and instantly dies.

Well, at least his life ended on a high note.

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

Did you hear that Satan outlawed scales?

I know, when I heard it, I thought to myself, "There's no weigh in Hell."

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

Are your scales working?

We'll have to weight and see...

I gave my wife the scales for the St. Valentine's day

She gave me a ruler.

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