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Safest Jokes

Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport?

Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.

Why’s a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?

Everybody’s 6 feet away

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving

Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.

Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me.

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado?

The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown

What's the safest place to hide a dead body?

Page 2 of Google search.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

Halloween might be the safest day in this pandemic....

Americans will finally be wearing masks

why is the russian roulette safest game ever

because i saw no negative reviews about the game

Where's the safest place to hide after shooting someone?

Behind your badge.

I saw an ad for a prison. Apparently they have the safest gym in the country.

There's an Olympic sports doctor there 24/7.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be

in a stationary store.

What's the safest sport?

Pole vault.

My mom: Asians are some of the safest people in the world...

Me: There are asian gangs too
My mom: And they're called study groups!

The safest job in the world ...

... is robbing a bank.

Where's the safest place to hide if a war breaks out?

Inside a public trashcan. They are impossible to hit...

Wheres the safest to be after a murder?

A casket.

Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever)

The Galley!

Everything but the kitchen sinks.

^(I warned you)

Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach

Because all of the sharks are busy being on TV.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a church bathroom the safest place to masturbate?

You can shout "Oh god!" in pleasure and everyone will think you're praying.

Have you heard about the world's safest driver?

He's wreckless!

I just realised

The orphanage is the safest place to crack yo mama jokes

A man catches a goldfish...

The goldfish tells the man:

'Look, I'm going to be straight forward with you. You can let me go right now and receive a wish. But just so you know, I'm not like those other goldfish... I grant only 1 wish, and you better pick wisely, because sometimes, people are better off without their ...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

People from High School class of '69 turn 69 this year,but because of social distancing,

69 is the safest position for distancing and everyone has some place to safely cough into.

Carmelo and his brother Dave sat together admiring the size of his vast, but empty backyard.

"Hey Carm," says Dave "we should do something with your yard. Maybe a pool or something."

Carmelo glanced over grinning.

"Way ahead of you man. I've already hired a company to spruce the place up. Actually, I have a sub-contractor coming over tomorrow for the deck."

...

They keep telling me to put on my seat belt to keep me safe during an accident

But don’t they know the safest place during an accident is outside the car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently...

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