Right Arm Jokes - 45 Hilarious Right Arm Jokes

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

My friend got his right arm amputated.

Now he only has one left.

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

Did you hear about the guy who lost his right arm and his right leg?

He left them right where he found them!

I would give my right arm.

To be ambidextrous.

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A guy loses his right arm and he's considering to take his life

He walks by the subway station waiting for the moment when the train arrives to the station to make a leap of faith into the train rails.

When the train is about to arrive he sees a guy without both of his arms coming down from the stairs, dancing jumping and spinning around.

He appro...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

How did Helen Keller lose her right arm?

She was trying to read the speed limit sign on the highway.

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

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I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

An Irishman walks into a bar, carrying a penguin under his right arm....

A crocodile on a leash in his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have three pints of Guinness please".

The bartender looks at the Irishman.

Looks at the penguin.

Looks at the crocodile.

Looks at the parrot.

Looks...

A man who has no right arm and no right leg falls off his wheelchair

Thankfully, a woman passing by noticed him and approached him, offering some help.

"Are you alright?"

"No, I'm not. I'm all left."

I was in the petrol station queue and there was a bloke in front of me his right arm was browner than the other...

He saw me looking, so I nodded to his arm and asked if he was a taxi driver.

He replied, "No. I'm a vet."

Superman initially flew with his right arm outstretched and his left hand at his hip. Later he started flying with both arms out.

He switched from manual to auto.

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On a cold and snowy day Jim walks into work with a cast on his right arm...

"Why, Jim! Are you ok? How did you break your arm?" asks Steve.

"Well Steve, I slipped on some ice and fell down my front porch. As for how I'm doing? It doesn't hurt that much, but its made things really difficult." says Jim.

"Really? How so?"

"First off, I can't drive my stick...

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

The new suit

A man went to a tailor's shop to be fitted for a suit and a pair of shoes. The old tailor took all of the measurements and said to return in a week.

The man returned in a week and put on his new suit and new shoes.

As he stood in front of the mirror he complained that the left sleeve ...

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin...

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar,
an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand ...

God came to Adam and said “I’m going to give you something wonderful, something perfect, something that will make you happy. “ “What’s it going to cost me” Adam asked?

God said “It will cost you your right arm.” “What can I get for a rib?” Adam asked.

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.

The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.

Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school

Dad: and why’s that ?

Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...

Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?

Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!

Next day<...

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Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.

The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

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An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

Adam was standing in the garden of Eden.

Adam: "God, I'm lonely. None of these animals are fit for me."

God: "Well how about I make you a helper? She can be human just like you!"

Adam: "Really?"

God: "Yeah! She'll be perfect! Her beauty will take your breath away! She'll never complain! She'll be strong, but gentle; co...

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

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Tarzan has an accident

Tarzan swung on a liana in the jungle when he suddenly lost his grip and fell to the ground.

Heavily wounded he was brought to the jungle hospital where some of his body parts had to be replaced.

He received a gorillas arm as a replacement for his right arm, a leopards leg as replaceme...

An atheist was walking through the woods, enjoying the scenery ,

"What majestic trees!"

"What powerful rivers!"

"What beautiful animals!"

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shou...

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

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Tarzan

Tarzan went swinging on a vine in the jungle one day and the vine broke. Tarzan popped an eye out, broke his right arm and his penis. He went to the witch doctor and the witch doctor gave him a hawk eye to replace his eye. A gorilla arm to replace his arm and an elephant trunk for his penis then sen...

Jimmy Kennedy, creator of the Hokey Pokey, died today at the age of 94.

It was a difficult burial. They put his right arm in...

An american soldier was a russian POW captive

One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
...

Good company

One day an angel appeared to Adam. The angel said, “Adam, I’ve got great news. God is going to create something wonderful for you.” Adam said, “Oh, what is it?
The angel said, “It’s not an “it,” it’s a “she.” God is going to make something called a woman.” Adam said, “Go on.”

The angel con...

Joke my grandfather told me (he thought it was hysterical)

One day a man goes to his doctor and complains of pains saying, "Doctor, doctor! It hurts when I go like this!" (My grandpa then lifted his right arm.)

So what does the doctor say? The doctor says, "Well then don't go like this!" (Grandpa proceeded to raise same right arm again. Grandpa then ...

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3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.

The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's a...

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Three generals are having a day off at the beach

The American General begins to boast: "Our submarines are the best in the world! The newest 2016 model can stay weeks under water without having to surface!"

The Russian general is unimpressed and says: "Russian U-boat is best. Months we stay under water and no need to go up!"

The Ger...

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3 men are wandering trough a desert.

3 men are wandering lost and hungry through a desert.
They've all but given up hope to make it out alive when they stumble upon a golden lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up and start rubbing the sand off of it. As the last grain of sand falls off the lamp a magical genie appears and with ...

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Three men are walking down a beach when they find a lamp buried in the sand.

They dig up the lamp, brush it off, and poof! a genie appears.

"I shall grant each of you three wishes," the genie intones.

The first guy wishes for unlimited wealth. Poof! Wish granted.

The second guy also wishes for unlimited wealth. Poof!

The third guy starts flailing ...

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A man asked his doctor for a triple Rx of Viagra

A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend is coming into...

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3 men are wandering the desert and find a magic lamp

One of them picks it up and gives it a rub and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me, as a sign of gratitude I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man quickly speaks "I wish I had a million dollars!" the genie nods and the man gets his phone, checks his bank account and ...

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

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