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Communion Jokes

Did you hear about the priest who gave his congregation noodles instead of wafers for communion?

He was a Ramen Catholic.

What do you call toasted communion bread

Jesus Crust

Why does communion wine need to be watered down?

Because it is consecrated.

At church in Russia they have Communionism.

Jesus broke bread and said "This is my body..." The Russian apostle cuts him off and says "Nyet, it is 'our' body".

How many calories are in a communion bread?

Nun!

I thought of a new name for communion wafers:

Christ krispies.

My wife is rather annoyed.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Maybe we shouldn’t be eating those little flat breads during communion

... since they haven’t risen yet.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

Why does Satan take communion?

He enjoys drinking the blood of his enemies.

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The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.


They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.


Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

I found a church where they include dairy with communion.

They call it "Cheeses of Nazareth"

What does communion wafer taste like?

Is it sweet, or is it saviour-y?

Why do churches use wine for communion?

Because everyone's tired of shots

When there is some wine leftover from communion, it doesn't get wasted...

The vicar does.

Have you heard there’s a new low fat communion wafer?

I can’t believe it’s not Jesus!

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What did the body-building priest say after he was caught eating all the communion?

I was putting on Mass.

An Irish priest has a rat problem...

He tries everything to get rid of them. Traps, poison, setting cats loose in his church. Nothing works, and they are starting to deter some of his regular attendees because they see the rats during communion.


One day a Bishop is visiting and the priest tells him his woes.


"Hav...

My local church recently started offering gluten-free communion wafers....

They're called "I can't believe it's not Jesus"

Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers.

They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"

I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.

I am banned from my church livestream

Apparently dunking a pizza crust into a full glass of wine and then chugging it is not acceptable for holy communion.

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At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

Did you hear about the New Age Catholic Church? They've got an organic gluten-free Communion wafer ...

It's called I Can't Believe it's not Jesus!

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A man goes to see his therapist after an embarrassing incident at a church.

The therapist sits him down and asks what happened. The man groans and says "Well, I was at Costco and I saw they had a massive box of communion wafers. I thought it was funny so I bought it and took it home.

"When I got home I remembered I had a huge box of wine so I grabbed it from the cell...

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The Irish Sinner

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with yo...

What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?

The strength of the communion wine.

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together

Best friends Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together. While Peter was very smart, Paul had a difficult time with schoolwork, so Peter would let him copy his homework to make sure he could pass his classes.



As the time approached for their interview with the bishop, Pau...

A man died and was spirited to Heaven....

...where he met St. Peter at the gate. "Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around."

They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."

They walked a little further and sa...

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A guy gets a job as a sacristan

and he gets along pretty well with the priest. Everything is in order, except that the Communion wine stocks don't seem to last very long.

One day, the priest calls him in and says: "Bob, you've been a very good sacristan so far. I have no reason to complain about your work, but I noticed tha...

The priest called me in to his office to congratulate me on my First Communion.

It was a touching experience.

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister are on a train.

They chat for a bit when the priest suggests they all share their gravest confessions. He offers to go first.
"Sometimes, after communion service, I'll drink more of the wine than I should and flirt with the nuns."

The Minister replies, "mine's far worse. Sometimes, after taking collec...

Religion joke

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.


However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beaut...

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Convert Today! Earn $5000.

(More Jewish inspired jokes)

These two rabbis are walking down the street. As they're walking, they pass a church with a large banner hanging above them that says across it:

CONVERT TODAY! EARN $5000.

The rabbis are perplexed by this. There is no way that this could be the real ...

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A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could.

Sister Marry Cla...

The Priest, The Minister and The Rabbi

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a large, diverse University.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A r...

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House for rent

A man puts an ad in the newspaper: "House for rent: christians only"

Next day, someone came. The bad looking owner shows at the door and grumble:

What do you want?

Well, I saw the ad, I want to rent this house.

Ugh, fine, fine, and what is your name?

David Rosenber...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

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Well isn't that nice.

Two old southern ladies, Ethel and Edith, are sitting in rocking chairs on a porch. Ethel says, "When I married my husband, he bought me this here rocking chair."

Edith says, "Well isn't that nice."

They rock in silence for a moment, then Ethel says, "And when I had my first child,...

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A rabbi and the Pope have a religious debate

Several of the Pope's officials are concerend about the growing Jewish population in Rome, so the encourage the Holy Father to set up a religious debate with the head Rabbi. If the Rabbi loses, he must leave Rome. If he wins, they can stay.

However, the Rabbi doesn't speak Italian or Latin an...

A new pastor in a rural area...

A new pastor in a rural area is ready for his first service, but only one farmer has shown up. The pastor asks the farmer, "If you took a load of hay to feed your cows and when you got there, there was only one cow what would you do?".

"I'd feed it" said the farmer.

So the pastor asks...

A priests a Rabbi and a Minister are in a coffee shop...

...They start comparing the powers of their religion. They decide to test themselves by agreeing that they will all go into the woods to convert a bear and meet back in a week. A week passes and the priest and minister arrive first. The priest says that he converted a bear by showing him the miracle...

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The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

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A note to a priest (Long).

A young priest was about to lead his first mass. Because he was nervous, the bishop told him to put a bit of vodka in the wine and drink a bit before the mass. The priest did that.

Then his memory shuts out, and after a few hours, he wakes up with a note saying:

"My son, I have a few ...

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One day the pope decided to throw all the Jews out of Rome...

He made an announcement to the Jewish community: "Send me your smartest scholar to convince me why I should let the Jewish people stay and I may reconsider my stance." The Roman Jewish community sent Rabbi Moshe, a 78 year old Hebrew school teacher and, according to everyone but himself, the smartes...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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