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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

A man was in the confession booth confessing his sins to the priest…

And he said “father, I must confess, I almost cheated on my wife.”

The priest said “What do you mean, you *almost* cheated on your wife?”

The man explained, “father, I was in bed with another woman, we got naked together but I we only rubbed against each other, I didn’t actually put i...

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor bo...

There were two nuns;

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away
from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight and
a half minutes? I won...

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

Rabbi fill in

A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.
The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the pri...

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

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4 nuns die and go to heaven!

4 nuns die in a car accident and arrive outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them and says "I know that all of you have regularly attended confession and confessed to many sins, but as the Lord is all knowing, he is aware that there are some sins that all of you haven't yet confessed to and...

A young girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

"Wow, it's really pouring sky buckets out here!" she yells to the priest greeting visitors.

Before he can respond, the sky releases a torrential downpour, as if a thousand firehoses opened up from the clouds.

"Whoa! Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!" she exclaims. Suddenly, a c...

Father O'Malley goes on vacation

But he can't leave his parish alone, so he asks his friend, Rabbi Goldstein, to sit in for him, at least for confessions. The rabbi agrees, but of course he doesn't know how it works, so he asks to sit with the father for a confession.

"Oh father, forgive me, for I have sinned."

"Well...

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A young woman walks into a confessional

A beautiful young woman walks into a confessional, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned, I made wild passionate love to a man after he told me I was special, and beautiful and the only one in the world for him"


The priest tsks, but remembering the follies of youth, lets her off easy "...

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

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Polish boy goes to confession

Polish boy, Stosh, goes to confession.

He says, "Father I have sinned. I have a problem with masturbation."

The father says, "Ah my son that is something you need to save for marriage say 3 hail marys and come back next week."


Stosh comes back the next week the father ask...

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4 nuns line up for confession

The first nun says: "forgive me father, for I have sinned. Last night, a homeless man sought shelter in our walls, so we gave him a room and some new clothes. While he was changing, I peaked through the keyhole and I stared longingly at his penis."

The priest says: "do not be ashamed, my chi...

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

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A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

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A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"

"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."

"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary’s and may the Lord be with you."

The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."

"Let’s have it then," the priest says as h...

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A priest is trying to understand why people do bad things.

The priest decides to call a meeting with his 3 nuns to discuss people's motivations. Ultimately they realize that they don't know very much about this topic and that it is necessary to go out into the world and do some "bad" things. The priest instructs each nun to go out and do "bad" things and co...

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."


He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."


The Father says, "You need to say 40 H...

A priest walks in to his stock broker’s office. When their business is concluded, the broker sighs and says, “Father, I must confess for I have sinned. I once cheated on my wife.” The priest nods his head and says, “there’s nothing I can do here, we will have to step outside.”

Confused, but eager to get it off his chest, the broker leads him to the door. As soon as they pass through the exit, the priest says, “Don’t worry, my son. Say three Hail Marys and don’t do it again.” The broker is relieved, but also curious. “Father, why couldn’t we do this in my office?”
...

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A 60 year old man goes into a confessional.

The priest says, "What do you want to tell me, my son?" "The man says, "I stopped at a bar for one short drink last night, and met a 20 year-old woman. We hit it off great, and ended up going to her place. We made sweet love for 5 hours, and I had 4 orgasms without going soft-on even once. The only ...

Rubbing it just ain't the same

A man goes to church and tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife." The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?" The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other." The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putt...

Old Custom In Ireland

There is an old custom in Ireland, to bow the head briefly in prayer when saying “Jesus” - particularly when saying the line from the Ave Maria, or Hail Mary, that ends with “... the fruit of thy womb, Jesus”

In christening services, where babies are dedicated to the Church, parents and godpa...

A man enters the confessional.

."Bless me Father, for I have sinned. There was a pile of lumber in a vacant lot. It had been there for weeks. I helped myself." The Priest says, "Stealing is a mortal sin, my son. Say 3 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers, and return the lumber." Next Sunday the man goes into the confessional. ...

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A priest is taking confessions

When he gets a sudden urge to use the bathroom. Not wanting to interrupt the lineup, he flags over the janitor and says " can you sit in for me for a 10 minutes, just flip through this sins book and dish out whatever penance is required. Easy peasy."
So the first confessioner comes in, a young...

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A janitor is cleaning the church.......

.....when suddenly the priest runs out of the confession booth.

He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he had run to the bathroom.

Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions.

The priest hands him a sheet of p...

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A custodian fills in for a priest

A custodian is cleaning at the church where he works, suddenly a priest frantically approaches him

"son, i need you to do me a favor! I have a golf game I must go to but there's a woman who just came in for confession. I need you to go into the confession booth, listen to this woma...

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Four Nuns Go To Confessional

Four nuns go to confessional. The first nun goes in and says, “Dear Father, I have sinned; I have laid my eyes on a man penis.”
The priest says, “Dear child, do 10 Hail Marys and wash your eyes in the basin of holy water and all will be forgiven.”

The next nun goes in and confesses, “Fathe...

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One day the bishop is not available, so the priest is in charge of the confessions

First woman comes in and says: ''Father I have insulted my husband.''The priest replies: "that will be 20 hail mary's and all will be forgiven.''

Next a man confesses: ''Father I have hit my wife.''The priest say: "A very serieus affair, 50 hail mary's and an apology to your wife."

Las...

A rabbi and a priest are old friends.

One day, the priest comes over to the rabbi and says “Rabbi, I’m going on vacation. Can you take over for me for a few days? All you gotta do is hear confessions.”

The rabbi looks worried and says he doesn’t know how. So the priest takes the rabbi into the confessional to show him.

A ...

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A priest is taking confessions...

in the confession booth, and he desperately needs to take a bathroom break, however the queue outside the booth of confessing sinners is building and he really doesn't want to delay any further.

Thankfully, with him is a young deacon in training, so the priest whispers to him,
"listen, I ...

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A newly anointed priest is given his first posting.

Father Ben a newly anointed priest is given his first posting of his career. He’s fairly young and very nervous, but seeing his distress, Father Todd the elderly priest he’s replacing was very thoughtful and had prepared some cheat sheets so everything would transition smoothly. Hidden behind the al...

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It's a Priests first day at a new church...

and after Mass he sits down in the confession booth. He's nervous because this is his first time in confessional after seminary school and he isn't sure if he'll remember what to do.

Someone walks in and sits down, and starts to confess. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it's been 2 weeks...

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Three best friends become nuns

Three young women who had been best friends for their entire lives all decided to join a convent and become nuns. After going through all of the preparatory courses, the young women are ready to take their final vows.

After an elaborate and beautiful ceremony, the priest calls the young wome...

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A Bus Full of Nuns

A bus full of nuns crashes on their way to a Jesus convention.
Many of the nuns die and find themselves in line at heavens gate, with St. Peter standing guard. St. peter asks the first nun, "Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?", she replies, "only with these two fingers." as she holds up ...

A Devout Woman Buys a Pet Parrot

and teaches it prayers. A few days later, she invites the local priest for dinner.
"Father, if you lift the parrot's left leg, you'll find it recites a Hail Mary. If you lift the right, it will say an Our Father"
"Marvelous!" says the priest. "But I do wonder what would happen if I were to lif...

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New priest

There was a new priest that was going to take over for a retiring priest. As the old priest was showing the young priest around, they came up to the confessional booth. The young priest said:

"You know, I'm quite nervous about talking to people about their sins."

The old priest respon...

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A bunch of nuns are in line..

So this was back in the day, a group of nuns worked in a hospital as nurses and it was time for confessional. The priest was in a bit of a rush so he asked the nuns to form a line and confess their sins in public.

The first nurse blushed and nervously said:

- I was changing Mr. Thomps...

A woman goes to a church and confesses to the priest there. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have seen another man's privates."

The priest tells her, "For your penance, say one Our Father, two Hail Mary's, and wash your face with holy water."

Another woman walks in and tells the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have touched another man's privates."

The priest replies, "Say two Our Father's, fiv...

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Once, there were 4 sisters who were going to go in to confession.

The first sister entered, and spoke with the priest. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been 1 week since my last confession. I have seen a man's penis".

The priest stated, "You are forgiven. Dip your eyes in our bowl of holy water to cleanse them, and say 5 Hail Marys. Send in you...

A Young Man in Confessional

A young man walks into confessional.

Tommy: "Bless me father for I have sinned. I've been with a loose woman."

Priest: "Is that you, Tommy? Who was it then?"

Tommy: "I can't tell you father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

Priest: "Was it Brenda?"

Tommy: "No...

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Two nuns are driving through Transylvania.

Suddenly, Dracula jumps onto their windshield and they can't see anything. He starts hissing and scratching at the glass. The nun in the passenger seat says to the one driving "flick on your wipers and knock him off!" So the first nun does, but Dracula just slides back and forth with the blades, his...

A new nun goes to confession....

She is greeted by father John.

Father John: What would you like to confess today

Nun: I am so embarrassed, today I looked at a married man and I wanted to kiss him.

Father John: this is wrong but you are being honest and you understand you have sinned. Please offer 10 Hail Ma...

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A trainee priest is learning how to take confession

A trainee priest is learning how to take confession. The senior priest tells him "I'll be outside here if you need guidance on what punishments to give"

A little old lady comes in and says "Forgive me father, i took the lords name in vain" The junior priest sticks his head out of the confessi...

A rabbi goes to visit his friend the priest.

Although they had made plans to meet, the priest is still in the confessional, and there is a list of about 20 women waiting. The priest tells the rabbi to join him in the booth as it is going to take a while.
A woman comes in. "Father I have sinned."

"What is it my child?"

"I cheat...

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A Catholic priest is on vacation so a substitute priest from another parish hears confession.

A Catholic priest is on vacation so a substitute priest from another parish hears confession.

A young woman comes into the confessional box and says:
*"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I lied and also missed the Sunday Mass two times."*

The father answers:
*"Pray three Hail Ma...

Little Johnny Murphy goes to confession

He confesses to the priest that he has had inappropriate contact with a female classmate.
The priest asks "was it with Debbie O'Connell?" To which Johnny replied "no"
The priest asks again "was it with Mary O'Malley?"
Johnny again replied "no".
The preist gives up and tells Johnny to s...

A choir boy goes to confession...

He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What is your sin, my child?"

"I've had carnal knowledge of a girl, Father."

"My son, it is good that you have confessed this to me but wasting your innocence on these base acts is a sin. In order to fully redeem ...

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A Priest is hearing confessions

and as time goes on, he really has to take a dump. As he finishes up with an older woman, he sticks his head out of the booth and motions for the church janitor to come over.

"I really have to use the bathroom, my son, so could you finish up these last few confessions for me?" he asks.
...

A man and his wife.

A man goes to confession. He sits in the booth and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest asks him what his sin was.

"Father, I made love to my wife."

The priest is somewhat taken aback, and explains to the man that lovemaking between married couples is permitted ...

A man in a small town goes to confessional...

and tells the local priest, "Father, forgive me, for I have slept with a loose woman."

The priest thinks for a moment and says, "Well, son, was it Mary?"

"No Father."

"Hmm," the priest continues, "was it Fiona?"

"No, no father," the man replies.

"And was it Anne?"<...

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

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New Priest

A priest is just about to retire when he meets the priest replacing him, the new priests asks what he should do when taking confessions, as this will be his first day. The former priest gives him a handbook and tells him to use this for the first month or so.

The new priest enters the confess...

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A priest is in the confession booth...

A priest is in the confession booth listening to people confess their sins, when suddenly he feels the urge to drop a Deuteronomy. He knew right away that this was going to be a bowel movement of biblical proportions, and sweared to God that he would never eat Devil's food cake again. He opened the ...

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A nun was washing her hands in the bowl of holy water.

When suddenly a senior nun appears behind her and ask her what is she doing.

The nun replies, "The bishop made me touch his penis, so i'm washing away my sin."

The senior nun gasps and says, "Pray 3 Hail Mary's and god will surely forgive you. Now move over i need to gargle."

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It's a Sunday morning and a priest realizes he was supposed to go golfing

He goes to the janitor and says "listen, i know this is highly unusual, but i have to leave. Could you cover confession for me?"

The janitor agrees so the priest writes a list of common sins and their respective pennances.

Once in the booth, a man comes in and says he committed adulter...

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A priest is in the confessional hearing confession...

...when he realizes he really has to go to the bathroom. So, in between sessions, he sneaks out of the confessional. He finds an altar boy and says, "Johnny, I need you to take over for me. It's really easy. Just listen to their confession, and then tell them to do some Hail Marys and Our Fathers."<...

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Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

A nun goes to confession....

A nun goes to confession. She tells the priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have not worn panties under my dress for about 3 years ".

The priest replies,"no problem my dear, just say 5 Hail Mary's and do a few cartwheels on the way out".

A man goes into a confessional. "Father", he said, "I slept with Kitty Greene last night".

"Say 5 hail Marys, my son, and all shall be forgiven." the father said.

Later that day, another man came into the confessional and said "Father, I slept with Kitty Greene 4 times last week."

"Say 20 hail Marys, and all shall be forgiven."

Later, The father is in his office havi...

A catholic schoolgirl goes to church for confession...

When she gets to the church, she notices that the confessional is occupied, so she sits down in a nearby pew. A short time later, the confessional door opens, and her best friend exits. The friend sits next to the girl, who asks her, "So... what did you confess to?"

"I told Father Murphy I g...

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The new priest and the confessional booth.

A newly ordained priest is about to do his first stint in the confessional booth. A bit nervous, he asks the bishop for some advice and guidance.

"Son", says the bishop, "here, take this book, I've listed all the common sins and their penance so don't be nervous at all".

Armed with th...

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Four nuns approach the pearly gates of heaven..

..and are met by Saint Peter. He says to them, "Welcome, chaste ones. Thank you for your many years of sacrifice in the service of God. Heaven awaits you."

The nuns, assuming they are exempt from judgement, continue to the gates. "Ah, ah, ah," Saint Peter says. "First, you must confess. Tell...

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Three men go into confession...

The first man goes to the Father and says, "Father, forgive me, I stole office supplies from work this past week." The Father says, "I see. Speak the 'Our Father' 15 times, and go and drink from the Holy water. Go in peace." The second man comes in and says to the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I c...

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An altar boy takes over hearing confessions...

A priest is hearing confessions one Sunday. So a man sits down in the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, I jacked off three times." The priest says, "It's ok, my son, it happens to us all. Just say three Hail Marys and three Our Fathers." Then the next man comes in and says "Forgive me Fathe...

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