Haven Jokes - 106 Hilarious Haven Jokes

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every...

Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews.. only 1 star

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't.

I don’t geddit.

Eddits:

Courtesy to The_maxi : I propose to add a function to remove awards and name it “regreddit“

What prize does someone get if they haven’t moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

I would be SHOCKED if you haven’t heard about these new corduroy pillows.

I mean, they’re making headlines all over the world.

After all this time, I still haven’t tested positive for Covid…

…wouldn’t it be funny if it was just because I wasn’t sticking the swab far enough into my ear?

I haven’t talked to my wife in 7 years.

I just don’t want to interrupt her.

My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?”

What a weird way to start a conversation!

When a man showed up at work an hour late for the second time in a week, his boss called him into her office. She asked “What’s your excuse this time?” He shrugged and said “I overslept.” “Damn it” she yelled, “at least tell me something I haven’t heard before!”

He replied, “You’re looking lovely today”

How do you get to New Haven by train?

You buy a Connec-ticket.

I think Reddit should rename share to spreddit, delete to shreddit and karma to creddit, Yet they haven’t.

I don’t geddit

I haven’t worked out since...

I haven’t worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.

That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.

Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches

Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Husband: *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

old timey classic i haven’t seen on here for a while

when is a door not a door?

when it’s a jar

I haven’t heard of the band: “The Rolling Stones” in a while,

I guess they went downhill

Haven’t seen my Indian girlfriend in almost a month because her dad “forbids it”.

Screw you Soshul Distin Singh!

2013: Didn’t jog - 2014: Didn’t jog - 2015: Didn’t jog - 2016: Didn’t jog - 2017: Didn’t jog - 2018: Didn’t jog - 2019: Didn’t jog - 2020: Still haven’t jogged

This is a running joke.

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A man told the doctor, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."

The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."

"What’s a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well, somebody’s obviously had it in for you."

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At the havens gate...

... 3 men want to enter. So St. Peter asked them "What did you use your penis for on earth, pissing or fucking?"

The first man says "I did piss around 9 times for every time I fucked". To hell he goes.

The second man says "I did worse, pissed around 5 times for every time I fucked". To...

I’ve got no home, I haven’t got control, and I can’t see any escape.

I should get a new keyboard.

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I’ve always wanted to have sex with a cougar, haven’t been able to yet.

Damn zookeepers keep getting in the way

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for a while, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, “Of course we’ll have some soon. We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside. “Never,” he snarled, “Never, never, never say we’re out of anything- say we’ve got it on order and it’s coming. Now, what was it s...

You probably haven’t heard this one before. Translated from another language.

A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening. On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. and told the man that it would take two to three days. Unable to keep his tho...

I asked my friend if she has ever smelled moth balls..."she said of course I have and you haven't?"

I told her no because I couldn't get his little legs apart.

You know I actually haven’t died a single time in ANY of the dark souls games

Granted I’ve never played them

I’ve been playing in the street all day wondering why I haven’t seen a single car

And then it hit me

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

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My breasts haven’t grown much since I decided to transition

I guess that’s what I get for cutting out all of my trans fat

Two old friends meet on the street one day who haven’t seen each other in years...

“Tony! Is that you?”

“Hal! You look terrific! What’s your secret?”

“I hit a hitchhiker late at night three years ago when I was drunk and fled the scene, leaving him for dead.”

“Um... I meant for looking so young.”

But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul

(Phone rings)

*Pick up*

(Little girl) : “Hello”

“Hi Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy, she’s upstairs in the room with Uncle Paul”

After a brief pause, Daddy says “But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul”.

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upst...

I haven’t seen my dad since he came out as a woman

He is transparent

Why haven’t you ever heard a pterodactyl using the bathroom?

The p is silent.

I haven’t spoken to my friends in years

Owing people money is the worst

I’m sad, depressed, and haven’t beat off in weeks...

Guess you could say I’m not feeling myself lately

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A gambler dies and goes to haven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

I’ve been solving derivatives everyday, for a week and I haven’t been able to do more than 20 a day.

I guess that’s my limit.

I’ve spent a month lifting and I still haven’t gotten stronger

I guess it’s not working out

I haven’t felt nostalgia for anything in a long time.

I remember all those times I used to, man those were good times.

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Whether you love him or hate him, Donald Trump has given us something we haven’t had in decades.

A First lady we can masturbate to.

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An old Jewish man dies and goes to haven

An angel informs him that all those who lived a long and virtuous life and still believe in the creator get an audience with the Heavenly Father himself. The man proudly says “I do” and he gets to meet God for 5 minutes.

He does not want to God to hear the same tired questions that he is sur...

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

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“Doctor!!! I’m extremely constipated!! I haven’t pooped in weeks!!!””

Doctor: “No shit?”

I haven’t been to the gym in so long that

I have to call him James

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I haven’t made my mind up about masturbation

I mean on one hand it’s great...

I haven’t watched the Epstein docu-series on Netflix but I already know the ending.

He didn’t kill himself.

I haven’t noticed any big trends lately

I guess no one wants to go viral

Winnie-the-Pooh is on a Picnic with Christopher Robin, Piglet and Eeyore. Christopher Robin says “Pooh, you haven’t touched any food yet. What gives?”

Pooh: “I’m stuffed”

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

I haven’t made a post

SINCE LAST YEAR!

I haven’t eaten a meal
SINCE LAST YEAR!

I haven’t seen my friends
SINCE LAST YEAR!

I haven’t felt true happiness
SINCE 2012!

I told my husband that I haven’t worn a bra since the stay-at-home order

He said, neither have I.

This is true and he cracked himself up. So I said that I will wear one again when this is all over. So he said, maybe he will too.

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

My jokes haven’t been hitting lately.

Call me Amy Schumer.

I haven’t seen Mr Tree in days...

I thought he moved to another branch

But it turns out he was just on leaf

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'.

Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!

 

 

 

### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees?

Because they’re really, really good at it.

What do you call all the pasta that you haven’t eaten yet?

Futura

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The best thing about white chicks with dreadlocks is that they’ll still suck your dick even if you haven’t showered in a couple of weeks.

Free love without judgement~

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

What's the difference between Hentai Haven and Ricegum?

One of them is relevant.

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With a seductive voice... With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smil...

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

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I haven’t lost my virginity

Because I never lose

I haven’t slept for a week

Because that would be too long

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

I ate a bottle of glue and they say I’ll probably die but I haven’t yet so...

I’m sticking with my guts on this one

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double?

‘What’s that?’, he asked.

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

As his mind began to embrace the i...

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

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I had to provide a stool sample to my doctor the other day to check why I haven’t been feeling good.

The nurse just called me and said they can’t find it. I’m so mad that I totally lost my shit!!

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A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

I haven’t kept up my dues to Scrabble Club.

They’ve started sending me threatening letters.

We were out having dinner when my girlfriend said “We’ve been living together for three years now and you still haven’t popped the question”

“Good point, when are you moving out?” I asked.

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I haven’t had sex for so long

I went outside in the rain for a run wearing flip flops just to remember what it sounds like!

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Why haven’t researchers cured sex addiction yet?

Their studies are fucked.

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I haven’t had to poop for the last three days

I guess I’m still holding onto last years shit

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

“You’ve either got it or you haven’t.”

-A terrible doctor

Haven’t you heard? Some pirates are going for a career change to bankers, and they’ve got good rates.

Pi-rates.

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

I haven’t seen many kids sledding this winter

It’s really gone downhill

I really miss my kids, I haven’t seen them for 3 years.

But the line at the grocery store is really long and I promised I would get some milk.

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen?

Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

My friends asked me why I haven’t tried to get in bed with my Christian girlfriend yet...

I told them “ If I nailed her, Jesus would be crossed”

I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years.

I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.

I haven’t shaved in weeks and I’m starting to like how my beard looks.

It’s really growing on me!

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

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On January 1st I joked to my wife we haven’t had sex all year.

Just like last year.

I haven’t had a server go down on me that long

since New Year at Hooters.
Edit for explanation: https://techcrunch.com/2016/08/11/reddit-is-currently-experiencing-a-major-outage/

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman

“Have you got any bread”

Barman: “no sorry”

Duck: “have you got any bread”
Barman: “no”
Duck: ”have you got any bread”

Barman: “look I haven’t got any bread and if you ask again I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar”

Duck: “got any nails?”

Barman: “no”
<...

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

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A young punk with a rainbow colored mohawk says to an old man who’s staring at him: “what’s the matter old man, haven’t you ever done anything crazy in your life?”

The old man responds: “I have, actually. 17 years ago I got stupid drunk and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you’re my son”

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Doctors inserted a catheter into me months ago and still haven’t removed it.

I think they’re taking the piss.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.........

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Had a friend I haven’t seen in a long time visit this past weekend.

We were old college buddies and went our separate ways after school, but still kept in touch and met up when we could. Life got in the way and we never had a chance to catch up until this last weekend. We spent a good deal the day before just hanging out and going over the old times until we decided...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

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WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.

Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.

Son: I-8

Me: I haven’t ate... I’m hungry

Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10

Me: Grammar Nazi.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken befor...

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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A man is sitting at a bar at closing time, complaining to his friend.

How is it I always get in trouble with my wife for staying at the bar so late and you never get in trouble with your wife? When I come home from a night out, I do everything so quietly. I turn off my car and coast into the driveway. I sneak in the basement door. I take off my clothes in the baseme...

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