UPJOKE
inspectionmedical recordbiophysicswartestexaminationgeophysicsquizhealth insurancescrutinyauditsciencecosmologyexplorationpulse

Physical Exam Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "W...

A man was being given a physical exam by a doctor...

... and the doctor noticed a thick callus on the bridge of the man's nose.
"I wonder what caused that" said the doctor.
"Oh, that is from my glasses" said the man.
"That shouldn't be happening" said the doctor. "Have you tried contact lenses?
"Hell no" said the man. "How much be...

A Czech diplomat in Washington D.C. is obliged to take his annual physical exam.

He goes to a local doctor for a battery of tests. At the eye exam, the doctor asks him, “So, can you read the bottom line, Mr. Kratochvil?”
“Read it? I dated her in school!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor is giving a physical exam to a lady

he asks her to remove her shirt, when he then noticed she had a bruise in the shape of the letter "H" on her chest.

When he asked about it, she said that her boyfriend attends Harvard, and that he's so proud of it that he never takes off his school sweater, even when they have sex.

So ...

Mr. Johnson went to his doctor's office to have a physical exam done. The nurse asked, "How tall are you?"

"I'm about six foot two," said Mr. Johnson. The nurse measured him and found that he was only five foot six.

"How much do you weigh?" asked the nurse.

"Around 150 pounds." The nurse weighed him and found that he weighed 200 pounds.

Then she took his blood pressure. "Your blood p...

A young busty girl was having a physical exam with her doctor.

Doctor: OK now, big breaths.

Patient: Yah, i know, and i'm only thixtheen

A fish goes to a physical exam.

The doctor says "You have to weigh yourself."
The fish answers he doesn't have to.
The doctor asks "No. Why not?"
And the fish says "I've got scales of my own.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her doctor's office for her annual physical exam.

The doctor looked her over and said, "You seem to be in excellent health, but I noticed you have severe abrasions on your knees and elbows. Do you know what caused them?"

The woman blushed a little and said, "That's from having sex doggy-style."

The doctor asked, "Surely you must know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new medical student was seeing a patient in a clinic for a physical

As the student was inefficient and slow, the patient became furious and gave him a hard time. The student then said, “let me bring my preceptor so we can do your physical examination together.” The student steps out and returns with the preceptor.

Towards the end of the physical, the precepto...

A woman goes to the doctor and is asked to remove her bra and panties.

Woman: Why do I need to do that?

Doctor: The file says your future employer wants me to perform a complete physical exam on you.

Woman: Well, can I have a female nurse in here too, then?

Doctor: What for? They're all kind of busy right now.

Woman: Just so that I'm more co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see his doctor

The doctor, as per routine, asks, "What brings you in today?"

The guy sighs and says, "My penis is orange."

The doctor looks up from his chart, slightly confused and askes, "Is that a metaphor or...."

The guy stops him and says, "No, doctor. My dick is bright orange."

Eve...

Harry has been having heart issues for sometime now but he kept procrastinating a doctor's visit until his wife finally forced him to go.

After a thorough physical exam, the doctor walked in with the results but he said he wanted to talk to Sally first and asks Harry to wait outside.

Sally asks "How is my husband?"

The doctor said "Your husband's heart condition is a result of years of stress. If things continue this way...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A patient goes to the doctors office with a peculiar problem

“Doctor, I can’t ssshhheem to sssshhhhpeak normally. It’sssshhh been a sssshhhhtruggle all my life. Pleassshhh tell me whatsshhh wrong!”

“Alright, I think I have an idea, but I’ll have to do a physical exam” said the doctor

The patient stripped down and got on the exam table and the d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to see a doctor about a life-long affliction... (long)

Man (In a raspy, hoarse voice): Doctor, you have to help me, as you can hear, my voice is hoarse and I can barely speak because it hurts too much. It's been like this since I was a teenager. I can't find work, can't talk with friends, or meet a woman. It's ruining my life. Can you help me?
...

The Doctor and The Veterinarian

Two lifelong friends, a doctor and a vet, are in a bar. Over the course of a few drinks the topic of conversation moves to work.

"You are lucky" says the vet "Your patients come in and tell you what is wrong with them. It would make treating them so much simpler"
"Ah" retorts the doctor "...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.