Why did the nun get kicked out of the convent?

She had a dirty habit.

How many people does it take to change a light bulb at a convent?

How many people does it take to change a light bulb at a convent?

Nun

How do the inhabitants of a convent decide who cleans up after dinner?

They sign a nun-dish-closure agreement.

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

A math and science convention is in town

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician all attend. One night, the hotel they're staying in catches fire.

The engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and sees his room on fire. He grabs the fire extinguisher and has the fire out in 15 seconds, then goes back to bed

The phy...

Redditor r/jokes repost convention

So you may not have heard, but there was a convention for r/jokes reposters recently. In advance of the convention, to save time, the attendees developed a numbered list of oft-repeated jokes, from 1-500. Although I am a relative noob, a friend invited me as a guest. Everyone seemed to be enjoyin...

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Two nuns driving back to the convent late one night in their Mini...

...All of a sudden a demon leaps onto the hood of the car, The first nun shouts to the second. 'Quick sister, show him your cross!' The second nun winds down the window and screams 'GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR!!'

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

I don't go to nostalgia conventions anymore.

They're not what they used to be.

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

If you get banned from a furry convention

You will be fursona non grata

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

Women's Convention (A little Long)

Women from around the world gather at this convention to share their stories of how they rekindled their love with their husbands.

A English women approaches the stage and begins, " for five days I told my husband, I will no longer cook for you, make you tea, and do you laundry. The first day...

What do you call a convention for lizard rappers?

A reptile diss function.

A tourist enters a pub where a r/Jokes convention is held

He walks to the bar and orders a beer. Meanwhile, the speaker on the stage approaches the microphone and says: "4032!"

Several people in the pub chuckle.

The man on stage then says, "351". Again, quite a few people in the pub chuckle.

Irritated by what he's witnessing, the touri...

I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

Why is a morgue like a neckbeard convention?

It is full of people with no lives

Did you hear about the convention...

Did you hear about the spanking fetish convention here last weekend?

Apparently a big hit and everyone came.

Conlang Convention

A conlanger is headed to a convention for conlangs, and he realizes that he's lost but he looks around and see's the building. So he walks in and he finds the main speaker speaking a conlang along with everyone else joining in. So he speaks his own conlang and has a good time. And after the conventi...

Mother superior called an urgent meeting of all the 100 nuns in her convent

Mother Superior : Today I found a man's underwear behind the bush ..

99 nuns : Oh Jesus !!

One nun : teeheehee

Mother : Also I found a used condom

99 nuns : Oh Jesus!!

One nun : teeheehee..

Mother : ... And it was broken ...

One nun : Oh Jesus!!!
...

There was a murder at a Janitorial Convention

Needless to say, there were sweeping allegations…

Bill Nye's grandfather rented a tuxedo to attend a Rotary convention in Philadelphia. The tuxedo came with an untied bow tie and he didn't know how to tie it.

Just taking a chance he knocked on his hotel's next door and there was a guy there.

\- Excuse me, can you help me tie my tie?

\- Sure. Just lie down on the bed.

The grandfather wasn't sure what he was getting into, but he wanted to have the tie on.

So he lay down on the b...

Two nuns, Sisters Mary and Teresa, are riding their bikes back to the convent from the shops in the old city.

Sister Mary says “Up ahead the road is blocked, but if you follow me, I know another route.”

Sister Teresa dutifully follows the older Sister as they wind their way through the city streets and down an old lane.

“Sister Mary,” asks Sister Teresa, “do you know this route well?”

...

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In an historic convent in Ireland, the sisters were accustomed to having visitors from the local town.

One day, a beautiful young nun heard a knock on her dormitory hall door as she was just getting ready for her bath.

"Who's there?" she asked.

A voice replied, "It is Cassidy, the blind man from the village."

She smiled and despite being nude, opened the door.

Cassidy ...

Two Leprechauns Knock on the Convent Door (long)

The Mother Superior opens the door and the first leprechaun doffs his hat then stammers and stutters, "T-t-t-top o' the mornin' to ye, sister!"

She replies, "Top o' the mornin' to you, Seamus. What can I do for you this morning?"

"W-w-w-w-well, sister, I-I-I-I'd b-be after a-a-a-a-ski...

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

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About a decade ago, Pope John Paul was visiting a convent of nuns, Our Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.

The whole place was so excited about his visit.

Mother Kate put Sister Margaret in charge of getting the finest fish for the dinner with the pope.

Sister Margaret took her task solemnly, and went to the market to get the best catch of the day.

“Good morning, sir. I’d like 12 ...

I once new a woman who actually served alcohol when she lived in a convent.

She was the best bar nun.

A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention. Over 50,000 blondes attend.

The leader stands on a stage and says,
"Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren't dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?"

A blonde steps onto the stage.

"What is ten divided by two?"

Th...

If you are not well informed about your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing...

A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.

Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.

The first cop shouted “What the hell, man” as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.

“No ...

The mother superior gathers her convent...

...She says sisters I have some bad news. We found a condom. And all the nuns gasp and one goes tee hee. Mother superior continues and the condom has a hole in it. All the nuns go tee hee and the one nun gasps.

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said "Oh Jack, cud ye be after givin' me a pint o' brandy?”

“Sister Mary Katherine!" exclaimed Jack "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me lad" she responded "tis only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. "It will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later tha...

In a convent, the Mother Superior, a very mean woman, woke up.

\- What a wonderful day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice for the nuns - she said.

She got out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.

\- Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!

\- Thanks, Mother. You look g...

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...

No 'fence.

Nun taken.

At the Comedy Convention

There was riddles and knock-knocks jokes. But no puns attended.

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A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.

Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.

He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal parad...

At a convent, all nuns assemble for the morning sermon

The mother superior speaks up: "Last night, a man has been on our lands."

All nuns: "Ooooh!", except one nun: "Hehehe!"

MS: "The man entered one sister's chamber!"

All nuns: "Ooooh!", except one nun: "Hehehe!"

MS: "The man stayed in the chamber for one hour!"

All n...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

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Two nuns are painting their CONVENT

They closed the door and took off all their clothes so they wouldn't get paint on their garments. So they locked the door and continued.

A few minutes in they hear a knock at the door.

"who is it?", they called out.

"just the blind man", he replied.

They thought to ea...

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Atilla and his Anaconda

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.



But his snake lost ...

What sort of document do you have to sign before you can work in a convent?

A Nun-Disclosure Agreement

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”

So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor....

What kind of weapons do they have in a convent?

Nunchucks

Did you hear about the dry cleaner that opened next door to the convent?

He knocked on the door and asked the mother superior if she had any dirty habits

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Grumpy and Dopey go to a convent

They go up to mother superior and Grumpy asks
"Do you have a really short nun working here?"
"Well i dont believe so" says the nun.
"Are you sure" asks Dopey, "she smells like fish."
"I'm afraid i can't help you" responds the mother superior.
Grumpy turns to Dopey and says
"I tol...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

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One day in Ireland two leprechauns knock on the door of a convent.

The mother superior opens the door to see the two little green men.

"How may I help you?" she asks.

"Mother superior," the younger leprechaun says. "Are there any leprechaun nuns in your convent?"

The mother superior thinks for a while and answers, "No, we have no leprechaun nun...

Two nuns are riding bikes back to the convent when the older nun says lets take this other road back.

The younger nun notices that it is a cobble stone path and very rough.
They get on the path and are subjected to as you can imagine a very rough ride.
Wondering why they were taking this route the Young nun asked?
Do you always come this way?
No not always... but today maybe.

A convent in a small Italian village ran out of seasoning as they were prepping meals for orphans.

One of the older nuns decided she'd quickly ride her bicycle through town to market and pick some up. As nuns do not travel alone, a younger sister accompanied her.

The streets seemed lined with more of the townspeople than usual on this day and while the nuns were at the market a boistero...

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Two nuns are renovating a room at the convent.

When it comes time to paint, they don't want to ruin their habits so they strip nakrd and make sure the door is locked. About an hour later they hear a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", says one nun.

From the other side of the door they hear, "Blind guy".

So the nuns open the do...

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A young nun is home alone in the convent.

She decides to take a shower. When she is done, she towels off. But, before she can put on her habit, she hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" she asks timidly.

"Blind man!" comes the reply.

She thinks to herself that since it is a blind man, no harm can come if she answers t...

Why was the young priest disappointed after spending the night at a convent?

He didn't get nun.

On the way to a teacher convention the pilot makes an announcement, before taking off I should tell you that the plane has been made by your students

All the teachers throw themselves out the door as quick as possible except one, the pilot puzzled comes closer and asks him:

- do you trust that much your students?

- Of course, the teacher answers with a peaceful voice, I'm pretty sure the plane won't even start.

Just flew in from the Geometry convention.

Boy are my planes tired.

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The 7 Dwarfs on vacation



While on vacation, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs.

They meet up with the Mother Superior and Dopey stops to talk to her.

“Excuse me, your holy one but do you have any short nuns here?”

Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the ques...

A salesman flies to Vegas for a convention.

He’s driving down the strip when he sees a hooker who tells him, “Yoo Hoo! I’m selling!” They strike a bargain and do the big nasty.

When he returns home, he discovers he’s contracted gonorrhea. He’s on medication for the rest of the year. But the convention rolls around again and he flies ba...

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What's the difference between a political convention and porn?

In porn, the dicks don't talk.

Why do the Sisters in a convent not trust their gut instincts?

It's usually just nunsense!

What does a trebuchet in a convent and Bruce Lee have in common?

They're both nunchuckers.




Yes lame but it's OC

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Two nuns are driving back to the convent after evensong...

When just after sunset a vampire leaps on to the roof.

“Oh my gosh! Sister Mary, whatever will we do now?”, one yells.

“Don’t panic there Sister Luke, just show him your cross”, says the other, calmly.

Sister Luke winds down the window and shouts,

“GET THE FUCK OFF MY C...

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

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What kind of sex happens in a convent?

Nun.

Favorite “i just flew back from jokes”

Example:

I just flew back from Chicago and boy are my arms tired

I just flew back from a transformers convention and buy are my arms tires

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

New rule at the convent

Lights out by 10. Candles out by 11.

The lights went out at a comedy convention

And it became dark humor

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Two nuns stand smoking outside their convent...

Two nuns stand smoking outside their convent.

There's a crack of thunder, the clouds roll in, and it starts to rain.

The younger of the nuns, Sister Agnes, pulls out a condom, bites the end off, and rolls it over her cigarette.

The older nun, Sister Rosemary, looks on, dumbfound...

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In the bathroom at a computer convention

Someone from Microsoft comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel, wipes his hands, takes another towel, wipes his hands more and repeats it another time, commenting "At Microsoft, we are very thorough".

Someone from Intel comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel and w...

Who do you call if something breaks down at a convent?

Maintain-nuns.

Blonde Convention

Thousands of blondes meet for the International Convention for Blondes. The emcee says we are now going to show the world that blondes aren’t airheads and asks for a volunteer. Bambi raises her hand and the emcee invites her to the stage.
The emcee says, “OK Bambi what is 2+2 ?. Bambi closes her...

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

Why did the FDA close down the convent's tailor shop?

Because it was found to be habit forming.

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In a small convent

There was the priests side and the sisters side, and there was only one large bathroom, with several showers.

In order to not disturb the sisters, the priests went all together to take their showers around midnight. On one of those nights, at the bathroom and already naked, one of the priests...

On the train to a computer convention

Three developers from Red Hat and three from Microsoft use the train to get to a convention. The three devs from MS buy a ticket each, the three devs from RH buy only a single ticket together. The devs from MS sit down in the same cabin to see how they get thrown out.

As the conductor comes,...

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While we're on nun jokes: one night, two leprechauns knocked at the door of the convent.

The Mother Superior answered and was taken quite by surprise at the sight. One leprechaun was sullen and silent, while the other seemed quite friendly. This latter asked, "please pardon our intrusion, Mother Superior, but I wish to ask you, is there a nun at your convent who is about two and a half...

Does anyone know if Jerry Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

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A local convent is remodeling some of their rooms, and two of the nuns have been charged with repainting them all.

Since neither of them have any experience painting walls, they decide to lock the door and strip naked so they don't get paint on their clothes and risk garnering the wrath of Mother Superior. All is going well after half an hour and they have one wall completed when they hear a knock at the door. ...

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The Convent Girl

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.

After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William...

Two girls in a Catholic convent school.

One whispers to the other: "There's a contraceptive hidden behind the radiator!"

The other whispers back: "What's a radiator?"

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her title: "Nun of Your Business."

Two Nuns went out of their convent to do some grocery shopping

They went around the town on their bicycles and had a ball of a time, since they don't usually get to roam about and the convent was soooo boring. So of course they lose track of time wandering around and exploring the town.


>"Oh my! We've only ten minutes to get back!" said the first ...

Three engineers and three executives are on a train going to a convention.

The business men each buy three tickets and the engineers buy a single ticket.

The executives start snickering, "how are the three of you going to stay on the train with just one ticket?"

"Watch", says one of the engineers, and the three of them pile into one of the bathrooms.

...

Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine.

It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam. "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she replied.

"Well, ill pay you $100. what cut do the girls
get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Offended at such an unfair operation, the
man stomped off down the street in search of
a more equitable shop. Finally he reached a
brothel where the madam said hers was a
union house...

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None of my friends wanted to go to the masturbation convention with me.

So I came by myself

A bear and a pony walked onto the stage at a convention...

And the pony went up to the microphone and said, "Bear with me, I'm a little horse."

What do you call the Mother Superior of a corrupt convent?

Nun the Wiser

A comedian takes her friend to a joke-tellers' convention...

The comedian shows her friend the sign-up list for performers, then they grab their seats. The first performer walks out onto the stage, and says:

"16!"

He gets a few chuckles.

"5679!"

The crowd starts to laugh

"227!"

The crowd is in uproar, practically dryi...

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Dude, I attended the fertilizer convention the other day...

...yeah, it was a real shitshow.

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

Star Trek fans always expect a gift when going to a convention

They call it the enter prize.

Some may say the democratic national convention is where we nominate the president

I think it’s just a political party

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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and ...

The tale of Sister obvious

Once upon a time there was a nun called Sister obvious, they called her that as she was very logical and had a solution for most things.

One day, Sister obvious and a fellow nun was walking home from the market when her fellow nun (let’s call her Sister May) said “Sister, I think there’s a ma...

Annual Brewers Convention

The CEOs of Budweiser, Heineken and Guinness meet at the annual Brewers Convention. They decide to go for drinks afterwards.

They go to a bar and sit down at a table. The CEO of Budweiser says, "First round is on me!" and orders three Budweisers. They drink and chat, and after a while the CE...

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Donald Duck is at a Disney convention and gets lucky with a groupie.

When they get back to his hotel room, she says, "I think we should practise safe sex - do you have any, you know...?" and he says "No problem," and picks up the phone to call reception.

"Don here," he says. "Send a bellhop up here with a condom, would you?"

"No problem, Mr Duck," says ...

There is an E-girl convention coming up

They're calling it the Simposium.

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

My friend promised me he was going to the camouflage convention

But I never saw him there!

Two nuns riding through the garden of the convent...

They giggle, laugh and scream as they ride their bikes over the cobble stone paths. All of a sudden, the window of Mother Superior swings open. She shouts:" Girls! Keep it down, or I'm having the saddles re-installed!"

What do you call a stationery convention in Philadelphia?

Pencil-mania

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus

The bartender, upon seeing the octopus, says "hey hey hey I run a respectable establishment here, no cephalopods allowed!"

The owner of the octopus says "no, wait, this is the most amazing octopus in the world, it can play any musical instrument known to man."

As fate would have it, th...

Two clever nuns

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and...

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What do you get when you cross a monastery with a convent?

A cloister fuck, obviously.

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