UPJOKE
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I just flew in from a Transformers convention.

And boy my arms are tires.

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

Mother Superior wakes up and gets out of bed one morning in the convent.

She begins her usual walk down a long hallway, with rooms for the other nuns lining either side. Immediately one of the nuns looks at mother superior and says "It looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"

Mother Superior is a little taken aback by this comment, bu...

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

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Nymphomaniac Convention

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager...

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Sister Mary is relaxing in the bath after a long day healing the sick at her convent.

She hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" She calls.

"It's the blind man, may I come in?" Comes the reply.

"Well I'm in the bath, but I guess you won't see anything anyway so it should be fine." She answers.

"Cracking tits, love. Now where do you want me to hang these b...

I couldnā€™t get a refund for my BDSM convention ticket

They said their hands were tied.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...

No 'fence.

Nun taken.

Two nuns are biking back to their convent

after a long day out nunning about in the community.

They take a different route than normal, and after a while, one says to the other: "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other replies: "Yes, it must be the cobblestones"

What did the Mother Superior tell the Highlander when she caught him in the convent?

-There can be only nuns...

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At an international gynecologist's convention...

Two American Doctors and a European Doctor were having drinks and talking about work. After a few too many they started telling stories.

The first American decides to talk about the strangest patients he had had. "This woman's vulva was like an apple!" He explained.

The second America...

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Two nuns driving back to the convent late one night in their Mini...

...All of a sudden a demon leaps onto the hood of the car, The first nun shouts to the second. 'Quick sister, show him your cross!' The second nun winds down the window and screams 'GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR!!'

Mother superior called an urgent meeting of all the 100 nuns in her convent

Mother Superior : Today I found a man's underwear behind the bush ..

99 nuns : Oh Jesus !!

One nun : teeheehee

Mother : Also I found a used condom

99 nuns : Oh Jesus!!

One nun : teeheehee..

Mother : ... And it was broken ...

One nun : Oh Jesus!!!
...

A convict escapes from prison and holes up in a convent.

He rounds up all the nuns and begins to look them over, saying, "I'll have my way with all of you."

A young novice says, "Please, sir, do what you will to us, but don't harm the Mother Superior!"

Suddenly, the Mother Superior says, "You heard the man! He said ALL of us!"

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

Best Little Convent in Texas (email forward from 2007)

A man was driving down a deserted stretch of Texas highway when out of the corner of his eye he notices a sign. It reads:


Ā  Ā  Ā SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS


Ā  Ā  Ā HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION


Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā 10 MILES


Ā  Ā  Ā He thinks it was just a figment of his...

It hurt to send my woodchucks off to the convent

But when they come back, I'll have a badass pair of nun chucks

Mr. Kotter and his secretary go to a convention...

When they check into their hotel rooms, the attendant said since they were late, they gave one of the rooms to another guest. They only had a double bed, but if they can wait, they can move another bed into the room. In the middle of the night, the secretary called to Mr Kotter, "can you please clo...

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

Beer convention

There's a beer convention in town, and all the CEOs from all the beer companes are there. During a break between seminars, a few of them went down to the hotel bar for a drink.

The Anheuser Busch CEO says to the bartender, "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers," and he takes his drink and...

Several nuns in a convent contract a venereal disease...

...So the Mother Superior calls a general meeting, and announces "There are cases of gonorrhea in our midst".

One of the nuns whispers to the nun next to her, "That's nice, I'm getting sick of the Cabernet".

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

An old nun was living in a convent next to a construction site

She couldn't help but notice the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were ...

Did you hear about the convent that was bought out by Converse?

They'll be making Nun Chucks

A group of nuns from a local convent were out for their Sunday bike ride through the suburbs

They were quite a site, seven in a row on one of those seven seater tandem bikes, headed, of course by a Mother Superior. They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited "OOOOOOOOOH!' The Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, "Sisters,...

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A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.

Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.

He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal parad...

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Two nuns are renovating a room at the convent.

When it comes time to paint, they don't want to ruin their habits so they strip nakrd and make sure the door is locked. About an hour later they hear a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", says one nun.

From the other side of the door they hear, "Blind guy".

So the nuns open the do...

How does a monk kill people in his convent?

With nun-chucks!

Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine.

It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.

Two Leprechauns Knock on the Convent Door (long)

The Mother Superior opens the door and the first leprechaun doffs his hat then stammers and stutters, "T-t-t-top o' the mornin' to ye, sister!"

She replies, "Top o' the mornin' to you, Seamus. What can I do for you this morning?"

"W-w-w-w-well, sister, I-I-I-I'd b-be after a-a-a-a-ski...

Why was Megatron not invited to the Republican convention?

Because Megatron was a trans-former.

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"So I went to this convention called, "Ladies Without Legs", and man...

was that place crawling with pussy." - Willie Nelson

How many girls got married at the convent?

Nun.

A man was driving in a very rural area.

Suddenly he saw a sign, "St Mary's Convent and Brothel, All Welcome, 10 miles."

He was very surprised, and when he saw the St Mary sign, he turned of and stopped in the parking lot.

He knocked on the door, and an elderly nun opened it. He said, "I am here for the brothel." The nun jus...

The Blonde Convention

Once, there was a huge meeting of all of the blondes in the world. They had heard all of the jokes and wanted to prove once and for all that they were not as stupid as the jokes made them seem. They all chose one of them, who they all thought was the smartest to answer one question. She went up to t...

The mother superior gathers her convent...

...She says sisters I have some bad news. We found a condom. And all the nuns gasp and one goes tee hee. Mother superior continues and the condom has a hole in it. All the nuns go tee hee and the one nun gasps.

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

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The Convent Girl

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.

After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William...

At a convent, all nuns assemble for the morning sermon

The mother superior speaks up: "Last night, a man has been on our lands."

All nuns: "Ooooh!", except one nun: "Hehehe!"

MS: "The man entered one sister's chamber!"

All nuns: "Ooooh!", except one nun: "Hehehe!"

MS: "The man stayed in the chamber for one hour!"

All n...

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There's a Psychic convention.

All the psychics are there. Palm readers, Crystal Ball people, phone psychics. So the speaker says "has anybody here ever seen a ghost?" A bunch of hands went up.
He says "has anybody here ever talked to a ghost?" A bunch of hands went up again.
He gets right down to the last que...

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Two nuns stand smoking outside their convent...

Two nuns stand smoking outside their convent.

There's a crack of thunder, the clouds roll in, and it starts to rain.

The younger of the nuns, Sister Agnes, pulls out a condom, bites the end off, and rolls it over her cigarette.

The older nun, Sister Rosemary, looks on, dumbfound...

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In a small convent

There was the priests side and the sisters side, and there was only one large bathroom, with several showers.

In order to not disturb the sisters, the priests went all together to take their showers around midnight. On one of those nights, at the bathroom and already naked, one of the priests...

I just flew back from a ravioli convention

Boyardees arms tired

Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?

On a Lanyard Nimoy

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One time I went to a doctor convention

I meet a proctologist and I ask him why he got into this type of medicine. He looks around at the other doctor and says, "I guess I just like being around a bunch assholes."

New rule at the convent

Lights out by 10. Candles out by 11.

Bugs Bunny goes to a medical convention

He meets a cardiologist, and says "what's up, doc?"

He meets a dentist, and says "what's up, doc?"

He meets a chiropractor, and says "what's up?"

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

What do you call a line at an anime convention?

A queuwu

How many people does it take to change a light bulb at a convent?

How many people does it take to change a light bulb at a convent?

Nun

A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.

Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.

The first cop shouted ā€œWhat the hell, manā€ as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.

ā€œNo ...

There was a rowdy guest at the local science convention last week.

The chair of the convention decided to throw them out, saying: "You sir are contributing excessively to the entropy of this convention!"

Against my better judgement, I decided to attend the local Cannibal Convention

The decision has been nawing at me for some time now, but I'm trying to have fun and not let it consume me.

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Grumpy and Dopey go to a convent

They go up to mother superior and Grumpy asks
"Do you have a really short nun working here?"
"Well i dont believe so" says the nun.
"Are you sure" asks Dopey, "she smells like fish."
"I'm afraid i can't help you" responds the mother superior.
Grumpy turns to Dopey and says
"I tol...

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While we're on nun jokes: one night, two leprechauns knocked at the door of the convent.

The Mother Superior answered and was taken quite by surprise at the sight. One leprechaun was sullen and silent, while the other seemed quite friendly. This latter asked, "please pardon our intrusion, Mother Superior, but I wish to ask you, is there a nun at your convent who is about two and a half...

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What kind of sex happens in a convent?

Nun.

In a convent, the Mother Superior, a very mean woman, woke up.

\- What a wonderful day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice for the nuns - she said.

She got out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.

\- Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!

\- Thanks, Mother. You look g...

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In an historic convent in Ireland, the sisters were accustomed to having visitors from the local town.

One day, a beautiful young nun heard a knock on her dormitory hall door as she was just getting ready for her bath.

"Who's there?" she asked.

A voice replied, "It is Cassidy, the blind man from the village."

She smiled and despite being nude, opened the door.

Cassidy ...

There were two nuns;

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away
from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight and
a half minutes? I won...

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

Best name for cured meat convention in San Francisco...

... Bay Con.

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I thought they testicle convention would be a good place to relax and unwind, but...

...it was just nuts!

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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the...

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One day in Ireland two leprechauns knock on the door of a convent.

The mother superior opens the door to see the two little green men.

"How may I help you?" she asks.

"Mother superior," the younger leprechaun says. "Are there any leprechaun nuns in your convent?"

The mother superior thinks for a while and answers, "No, we have no leprechaun nun...

Two girls in a Catholic convent school.

One whispers to the other: "There's a contraceptive hidden behind the radiator!"

The other whispers back: "What's a radiator?"

The flight to the service dog convention was delayed cuz they were all assigned the same seat.

All their tickets said K9

What do you call a boomerang enthusiast convention?

A meet and yeet

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I'm holding a convention for people who can't orgasm

If you can't come, let me know

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

Why was the young priest disappointed after spending the night at a convent?

He didn't get nun.

Did you hear about the convention of mathematician families ...

Did you hear about the convention of mathematician families, where they were having some problems in the kid's fairgrounds?

Some kids were fighting over the log ride and the slide.

They divided them up, got to the root of the problem, and worked it all out with a new slide rule.

What do you call a midlife crisis convention?

A Corvette lot.

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I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculation convention.

So I came in my pants.

Did you hear about the dry cleaner that opened next door to the convent?

He knocked on the door and asked the mother superior if she had any dirty habits

What does a trebuchet in a convent and Bruce Lee have in common?

They're both nunchuckers.




Yes lame but it's OC

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

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About a decade ago, Pope John Paul was visiting a convent of nuns, Our Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.

The whole place was so excited about his visit.

Mother Kate put Sister Margaret in charge of getting the finest fish for the dinner with the pope.

Sister Margaret took her task solemnly, and went to the market to get the best catch of the day.

ā€œGood morning, sir. Iā€™d like 12 ...

I once new a woman who actually served alcohol when she lived in a convent.

She was the best bar nun.

Why do the Sisters in a convent not trust their gut instincts?

It's usually just nunsense!

Two Nuns ride back to the convent.

They were riding bicycles and one nun says to the other
"I know a short cut, follow me"
The other one says
"Ive never come this way before"
The first nun looks at her and smiles
"Oh yeah girl, that's the cobblestone. "

Two nuns, Sisters Mary and Teresa, are riding their bikes back to the convent from the shops in the old city.

Sister Mary says ā€œUp ahead the road is blocked, but if you follow me, I know another route.ā€

Sister Teresa dutifully follows the older Sister as they wind their way through the city streets and down an old lane.

ā€œSister Mary,ā€ asks Sister Teresa, ā€œdo you know this route well?ā€

...

Women's Convention (A little Long)

Women from around the world gather at this convention to share their stories of how they rekindled their love with their husbands.

A English women approaches the stage and begins, " for five days I told my husband, I will no longer cook for you, make you tea, and do you laundry. The first day...

Geneva Convention

More like Geneva Suggestion

What sort of document do you have to sign before you can work in a convent?

A Nun-Disclosure Agreement

What do you call a convention of short Irishmen with leprosy?

Lepercon

Tesla held a charity convention for the deaf last week

the entire day was just sign, sign everywhere a sign

A priest walks down the street.

A young lady approaches him, and says "$10 for a quickie".

He was confused and walked on, and another girl come to him, "$10 for a quickie. "

He got to the convent, and asks the Mother Superior: "What is a quickie?"

She replies, "$10, same as in town."

Blonde Convention

Thousands of blondes meet for the International Convention for Blondes. The emcee says we are now going to show the world that blondes arenā€™t airheads and asks for a volunteer. Bambi raises her hand and the emcee invites her to the stage.
The emcee says, ā€œOK Bambi what is 2+2 ?. Bambi closes her...

Brewers Convention

There's a big convention of brewers from all over the world. At the end of the first day, Nils, Hank and Paddy go for a drink together to share their thoughts. They get settled at the bar, and the landlord comes over to take their order.

Nils says, "I've worked for Carlsberg for ten years, so...

A convent in a small Italian village ran out of seasoning as they were prepping meals for orphans.

One of the older nuns decided she'd quickly ride her bicycle through town to market and pick some up. As nuns do not travel alone, a younger sister accompanied her.

The streets seemed lined with more of the townspeople than usual on this day and while the nuns were at the market a boistero...

Two nuns are riding bikes back to the convent when the older nun says lets take this other road back.

The younger nun notices that it is a cobble stone path and very rough.
They get on the path and are subjected to as you can imagine a very rough ride.
Wondering why they were taking this route the Young nun asked?
Do you always come this way?
No not always... but today maybe.

Redditor r/jokes repost convention

So you may not have heard, but there was a convention for r/jokes reposters recently. In advance of the convention, to save time, the attendees developed a numbered list of oft-repeated jokes, from 1-500. Although I am a relative noob, a friend invited me as a guest. Everyone seemed to be enjoyin...

Did you hear about the convention...

Did you hear about the spanking fetish convention here last weekend?

Apparently a big hit and everyone came.

What do you call a convention you nominate people for cosplaying as the dead?

Necronomicon

Knee-bone slapper I knowā€¦ā€¦.

What do you call the Mother Superior of a corrupt convent?

Nun the Wiser

At the Comedy Convention

There was riddles and knock-knocks jokes. But no puns attended.

Iā€™m planning on going to the reverse psychologists convention.

You shouldnā€™t go. Youā€™d hate it.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

What did Jar Jar Binks say when he was asked what he was dressed as at the Japanese food convention?

Meeso soup

What did the chicken do when he went to the farming convention?

He put on ranch dressing.

\[should be original by my son\]

Two Nuns

Two nuns are riding their bikes across the village back to the convent when they come up to construction in the road.

They are forced to take a detour down an old stone paved street. One nun looks around and says to the other, ā€œI donā€™t think Iā€™ve ever come this way before.ā€

And the oth...

I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

I don't go to nostalgia conventions anymore.

They're not what they used to be.

Two Nuns went out of their convent to do some grocery shopping

They went around the town on their bicycles and had a ball of a time, since they don't usually get to roam about and the convent was soooo boring. So of course they lose track of time wandering around and exploring the town.


>"Oh my! We've only ten minutes to get back!" said the first ...

Two nuns riding through the garden of the convent...

They giggle, laugh and scream as they ride their bikes over the cobble stone paths. All of a sudden, the window of Mother Superior swings open. She shouts:" Girls! Keep it down, or I'm having the saddles re-installed!"

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

A guy was giving the opening prayer at a convention...

...and he said, "Life is a mystery everyone must stand alone I hear you call my name and it feels like home."So the MC said, "That's not really a prayer." And the guy said, "Well no, but it's like a prayer."

Why is a morgue like a neckbeard convention?

It is full of people with no lives

Why is a convent's percussion section so confusing?

It's a co-nun-drum

Remember that time Ohm got drunk at a Communist convention?

He made a long-winded speech about the dielectric.

If you get banned from a furry convention

You will be fursona non grata

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

Annual Brewers Convention

The CEOs of Budweiser, Heineken and Guinness meet at the annual Brewers Convention. They decide to go for drinks afterwards.

They go to a bar and sit down at a table. The CEO of Budweiser says, "First round is on me!" and orders three Budweisers. They drink and chat, and after a while the CE...

On a train to a large computer convention, there were 3 software engineers and 3 managers...

Each of the managers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The managers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said, ā€œHere comes the conductor,ā€ all of the en...

I was at a ski resort for a psychiatry convention

I've never seen so many Freudians slip

There was a murder at a Janitorial Convention

Needless to say, there were sweeping allegationsā€¦

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

A local convent is remodeling some of their rooms, and two of the nuns have been charged with repainting them all.

Since neither of them have any experience painting walls, they decide to lock the door and strip naked so they don't get paint on their clothes and risk garnering the wrath of Mother Superior. All is going well after half an hour and they have one wall completed when they hear a knock at the door. ...

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

What do you get when you cross a monastery with a convent?

A cloister fuck, obviously.

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