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An optimist tries to cheer up his friend (long)

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri...
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What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?

A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"
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I hate optimists.

They'll jump out of a plane expecting sunshine and rainbows to cushion their fall. Meanwhile, I'll look both ways before crossing the street and get hit by the optimist.
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Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?

He couldn't focus on the negatives.
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I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.
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An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”
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Why are all optimists blind?

They're constantly looking at the bright side of life.
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A pessimist and an optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a...
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optimist, pessimist

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees an oncoming train coming through the tunnel.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks at the end of the tunnel even though he's blowing his horn like crazy.
...
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A penis has a wonderful life.....for the optimists!

His two closest friends hang around and constantly update him on the weather.

His best friend is a pussy.

He never has to comb his hair.

He can quadruple in size and stand up if he really wants to see something.

He can take over all his hosts functions and thoughts whenev...

An optimist and a pessimist were riding a bus together when the optimist got hungry.

"Let's stop at the next restaurant," said the optimist. "Then we can take the next bus and continue our journey."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said the pessimist. "It could cause something bad to happen."

"Or it could cause something good to happen," replied the optimist, "and b...
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A German joke from 1944

How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
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An optimist believes this is the best of all possible worlds.

A pessimist is afraid he's right.
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A cannibal ate an optimist once

He couldn't quite keep him down.
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Optimist:

Someone who is still waiting for Half-Life 3
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Spectacled Optimist

Did you hear about the spectacled optimist who had a part-time job as a jester?

Yeah, he was a glasses, half-fool, kind of guy...
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The Optimist and the Pessimist.

Once, a family had two young boys. One was an eternal optimist, finding good in everything, even terrible things. The other was a pessimist who could find no joy in the world at all.

The parents, despairing of their boys ever leading healthy, fruitful lives, sought out a psychologist for he...

What did the optimist say when he found out he has a tumor?

"I'm sure it'll grow on me."
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An optimist walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What'll it be?"

The optimist says, "It'll be okay."
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Why are solar panels always optimistic?

They always keep their sunny side up.
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Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist
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A pessimist and an optimist

A pessimist and an optimist were sitting at a table, in a restaurant. They eat, drink, and start talking about different subjects. The pessimist tells the optimist with a more than usual saddened tone:
”You know something, with how these things are going? It can't go any m...
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The optimist sees the bagel

The pervert sees the hole
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A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...
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What do you get when you mix a gullible and an optimistic person.

Read it again
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pessimist vs optimist (x-post from funny)

The pessimist says, ‘It can’t get any worse!’ And the optimist replies, ‘Oh yes it can!
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An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a Bar

The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise
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The optimistic pessimist.

The reason I'm a pessimist is I'm either right or delightfully proven wrong.
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Do you know the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

A pessimist will say, “Man things can’t get any worse!”

An optimist will reply, “Oh yeah they can!”
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So an optimist was best friends with a pessimist.

He was always trying to find things that could make his pessimist friend say something positive about but he never could.

One day, the optimist decided to buy a fabulous pet that his pessimist friend couldn’t find anything wrong with. So he went to a specialty pet store and explained his mis...
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An optimist falls off of a cliff

As he plummets to the ground he observes to himself: So far, so good!
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What did the optimist say in hell?

Well, at least it's a dry heat.
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Optimist Joe

An optimist by every account, Joe was sitting in the bar when his friends come to him and say, "Joe, how can you call yourself an optimist when bad things are always happening ?" To which Joe replied, "there's always a good side to every situation, you just have to know it."

So, they tell Joe...
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The difference between an optimist and a pessimist

The optimist thinks that by 2040 the humanity will be eating shit.

The pessimist thinks that there won't be enough for everybody...

What do you call a depressed optimist?

A neutralist.
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"Optimist" is a person, who keeps his car's motor running...

...while his wife goes shopping.
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How many optimists does it take to change a lightbulb.

None. They just find light in the darkness.
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A pessimist, an optimist and a conductor are in a tunnel

P: "There is nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel."

o: "I see a beautiful shining light at the end of the tunnel."

C: "Why are there two morons on the tracks?"
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What do you call an optimistic programmer?

A glass half full stack developer.
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I'm a recovering optimist.

I'm getting worse day by day.
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Optimists vs pessimists

Optimists hope that we live in the best world.
Pessimists fear that this is actually the case...
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Why is Tom Brady always so optimistic?

He sees the football as half full.
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In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.
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What do you call an optimistic person with radiation poisoning?

Toxic Positivity.
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You know you're an optimist...

...when your blood type is B+
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I’m feeling optimistic

Tomorrow’s going to be a Good Friday.
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I've Discovered The Secret To Being Optimistic

It's in your blood. Just gatta B+
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As an optimist, I don’t think I have a drinking problem.

I have a drinking opportunity.
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A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.
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My wife's an optimist, but I know inside of her there's a pessimist.

I'm probably going to cum early and dissapoint her :(

We have to stay optimistic now

Because positive is not a good sign....
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What species is the most optimistic?

Fish, they take every oppor-tuna-ty
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Some people are just over-optimistic.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!
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Who are the most optimistic people in the world?

The Jews, they don't know how much it's gonna grow but they still cut it.

optimistic old guys.

Two old guys on a park bench are talking.

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.

By the time I was 60 I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be ...
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Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama...
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An optimist lost his footing and fell off the top of a tall building

A man on the 18th floor saw it right as it happened. As the optimist was plunging towards certain death, the man calls out “hows it going?”, to which the optimist replied “so far, so good!”
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Optimist thinks that the world he's living in is the best possible.

Pesimist is afraid that it's really true.
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Today, I woke up an optimist.

He punched me in the face.
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Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?

He kept on turning negatives into positives.
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They were pretty optimistic when they named it gonorrhea.

No need to applaud.
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They find two 5-year olds, an optimist and a pessimist, and decide to do an experiment

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.

After an hour they open the door on the p...
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A pessimist and and an optimist fall off the top of a 100 story building......

The pessimist was heard screaming and cursing as he past the 20th floor. As the optimist fell past he quietly whispered "so far, so good"!
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What did the optimist say after losing control on the left half of his body?

I'm all-right
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I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist

But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.
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I was a rather optimistic child

I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel
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What is an Optimistic Vampires favorite drink?

B Positive!
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A German optimist wanted to write a book to cheer his friends up

It was entitled "Nein Kampf"
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how many pessimist does it take to change a light bulb?

they can’t, they need an optimist to show them the bright side
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When You Have An Optimistic View On What You're Smelling, You're Smelling...

Rose tinted gases.
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Soviet pessimists and optimists

Soviet pessimist say "Ilya, things couldn't possibly get any worse"

Soviet optimist, with a big grin, says "Yes they can Sasha"
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Thanos seems like an optimistic guy.

You know, universe half full kind-of-guy.
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some goods news and some bad news.

a patient went into the doctor's office for his physical. when the patient asked how his health was, the doctor replied "well, i have some good news and some bad news". ever the optimist, the patient said "give me the good news first". the doctor smiled and said "well, the good news is that you are ...
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have you heard about the pessimist and the optimist at Christmas?

It's Christmas time, a father had no time to buy each of his son's a Christmas gift... So he decides to think of the quickest thing possible since it was Christmas eve. The next morning the pessimist wanders down the stairs with a blank expression while moaning, the optimist walks down the stairs wi...

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