Optimist Jokes

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri... read more

A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

They'll jump out of a plane expecting sunshine and rainbows to cushion their fall. Meanwhile, I'll look both ways before crossing the street and get hit by the optimist.

He couldn't focus on the negatives.

My bed is half full.

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

They're constantly looking at the bright side of life.

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a... read more

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees an oncoming train coming through the tunnel.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks at the end of the tunnel even though he's blowing his horn like crazy.
... read more

"Let's stop at the next restaurant," said the optimist. "Then we can take the next bus and continue our journey."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said the pessimist. "It could cause something bad to happen."

"Or it could cause something good to happen," replied the optimist, "and b... read more

How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

A pessimist is afraid he's right.

He couldn't quite keep him down.

Someone who is still waiting for Half-Life 3

Did you hear about the spectacled optimist who had a part-time job as a jester?

Yeah, he was a glasses, half-fool, kind of guy...

"I'm sure it'll grow on me."

The optimist says, "It'll be okay."

They always keep their sunny side up.

While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

A pessimist and an optimist were sitting at a table, in a restaurant. They eat, drink, and start talking about different subjects. The pessimist tells the optimist with a more than usual saddened tone:
”You know something, with how these things are going? It can't go any m... read more

The pervert sees the hole

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou... read more

Read it again

The pessimist says, ‘It can’t get any worse!’ And the optimist replies, ‘Oh yes it can!

The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise

The reason I'm a pessimist is I'm either right or delightfully proven wrong.

A pessimist will say, “Man things can’t get any worse!”

An optimist will reply, “Oh yeah they can!”

He was always trying to find things that could make his pessimist friend say something positive about but he never could.

One day, the optimist decided to buy a fabulous pet that his pessimist friend couldn’t find anything wrong with. So he went to a specialty pet store and explained his mis... read more

As he plummets to the ground he observes to himself: So far, so good!

Well, at least it's a dry heat.

An optimist by every account, Joe was sitting in the bar when his friends come to him and say, "Joe, how can you call yourself an optimist when bad things are always happening ?" To which Joe replied, "there's always a good side to every situation, you just have to know it."

So, they tell Joe... read more

A neutralist.

...while his wife goes shopping.

None. They just find light in the darkness.

P: "There is nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel."

o: "I see a beautiful shining light at the end of the tunnel."

C: "Why are there two morons on the tracks?"

A glass half full stack developer.

I'm getting worse day by day.

Optimists hope that we live in the best world.
Pessimists fear that this is actually the case...

He sees the football as half full.

Half to life.

Toxic Positivity.

...when your blood type is B+

Tomorrow’s going to be a Good Friday.

It's in your blood. Just gatta B+

I have a drinking opportunity.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

Because positive is not a good sign....

Fish, they take every oppor-tuna-ty

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Two old guys on a park bench are talking.

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.

By the time I was 60 I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be ... read more

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama... read more

A man on the 18th floor saw it right as it happened. As the optimist was plunging towards certain death, the man calls out “hows it going?”, to which the optimist replied “so far, so good!”

Pesimist is afraid that it's really true.

He punched me in the face.

He kept on turning negatives into positives.

No need to applaud.

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.

After an hour they open the door on the p... read more

The pessimist was heard screaming and cursing as he past the 20th floor. As the optimist fell past he quietly whispered "so far, so good"!

I'm all-right

But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.

I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

B Positive!

It was entitled "Nein Kampf"

they can’t, they need an optimist to show them the bright side

Rose tinted gases.

Soviet pessimist say "Ilya, things couldn't possibly get any worse"

Soviet optimist, with a big grin, says "Yes they can Sasha"

You know, universe half full kind-of-guy.

a patient went into the doctor's office for his physical. when the patient asked how his health was, the doctor replied "well, i have some good news and some bad news". ever the optimist, the patient said "give me the good news first". the doctor smiled and said "well, the good news is that you are ... read more