An optimist tries to cheer up his friend (long)

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri...

How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist?

Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE.

How can you easily spot an optimist?

An Older person buying green bananas.

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?

He couldn't focus on the negatives.

What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute.

What did the optimist say as he jumped off a building ?

So far so good

Optimist: the glass is half full

**Pessimist:** the glass is half empty

**2020:** that's pee isn't it?

An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

A Pessimist, an Optimist, and a Literalist go Hunting

An optimist, a pessimist, and a literalist go hunting together. They make camp, and agree that one will go hunting while two stay at camp.

The pessimist asks to go first thinking that there won't be anything to hunt and wants to get it out of the way. They leave camp. Many hours later they re...

Do you know the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

A pessimist will say, “Man things can’t get any worse!”

An optimist will reply, “Oh yeah they can!”

Optimists vs pessimists

Optimists hope that we live in the best world.
Pessimists fear that this is actually the case...

How many optimists does it take to change a lightbulb.

None. They just find light in the darkness.

What did the optimist say in hell?

Well, at least it's a dry heat.

I hate optimists.

They'll jump out of a plane expecting sunshine and rainbows to cushion their fall. Meanwhile, I'll look both ways before crossing the street and get hit by the optimist.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees 3 idiots standing in the way of his train.

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a Bar

The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise

I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.

Why are all optimists blind?

They're constantly looking at the bright side of life.

A pessimist and an optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a...

An optimist and a pessimist were riding a bus together when the optimist got hungry.

"Let's stop at the next restaurant," said the optimist. "Then we can take the next bus and continue our journey."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said the pessimist. "It could cause something bad to happen."

"Or it could cause something good to happen," replied the optimist, "and b...

The optimist sees the bagel

The pervert sees the hole

I read an article which said that I could become an optimist in 7 weeks.

I doubt it.

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The difference between an optimist and a pessimist

The optimist thinks that by 2040 the humanity will be eating shit.

The pessimist thinks that there won't be enough for everybody...

Why is Tom Brady always so optimistic?

He sees the football as half full.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

Optimist:

Someone who is still waiting for Half-Life 3

They were pretty optimistic when they named it gonorrhea.

No need to applaud.

What do you get when you mix a gullible and an optimistic person.

Read it again

When You Have An Optimistic View On What You're Smelling, You're Smelling...

Rose tinted gases.

Remember that old joke about the Optimist and the Pessimist?

The Pessimist says, "Everything is terrible! It can't get any worse."

To which the Optimist replies, "Oh yes it can!"

So an optimist was best friends with a pessimist.

He was always trying to find things that could make his pessimist friend say something positive about but he never could.

One day, the optimist decided to buy a fabulous pet that his pessimist friend couldn’t find anything wrong with. So he went to a specialty pet store and explained his mis...

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

What do you call a depressed optimist?

A neutralist.

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

When you suddenly get the feeling all of your Amazon wishlist items are in stock

You transform into Optimist Prime.

They find two 5-year olds, an optimist and a pessimist, and decide to do an experiment

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.

After an hour they open the door on the p...

A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

"Optimist" is a person, who keeps his car's motor running...

...while his wife goes shopping.

I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist

But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

I've Discovered The Secret To Being Optimistic

It's in your blood. Just gatta B+

An optimist lost his footing and fell off the top of a tall building

A man on the 18th floor saw it right as it happened. As the optimist was plunging towards certain death, the man calls out “hows it going?”, to which the optimist replied “so far, so good!”

Life can be tough sometimes, but I truly am an optimist.

I drink a glass of pineapple juice every day. Just in case.

What did the optimist say after losing control on the left half of his body?

I'm all-right

My goal is to become an optimist. I have done absolutely nothing for the goal so far ...

... but that’s already a very good start!!!

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Who are the most optimistic people in the world?

The Jews, they don't know how much it's gonna grow but they still cut it.

A cannibal ate an optimist once

He couldn't quite keep him down.

I’m feeling optimistic

Tomorrow’s going to be a Good Friday.

In an attempt to create synergy, an airline and a beer company merged. It think it was a smart move for the newly formed Alaska Natural Ice.

However, I'm less optimistic about Corona Delta.

As an optimist, I don’t think I have a drinking problem.

I have a drinking opportunity.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm an optimist

I am confident that I'll die tomorrow

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Two guys are talking about being optimistic.

One guy says, "Hey, sometimes there are situations where you just can't be optimistic, right?" The other guy responds, "Nah, you always have to look at the bright side. Just last week, I was with a prostitute, and she died right there in the middle of it." The first guy sputters, "What? Where's the ...

A pessimist, an optimist and a conductor are in a tunnel

P: "There is nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel."

o: "I see a beautiful shining light at the end of the tunnel."

C: "Why are there two morons on the tracks?"

Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?

He kept on turning negatives into positives.

optimistic old guys.

Two old guys on a park bench are talking.

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.

By the time I was 60 I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be ...

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My wife's an optimist, but I know inside of her there's a pessimist.

I'm probably going to cum early and dissapoint her :(

Optimist thinks that the world he's living in is the best possible.

Pesimist is afraid that it's really true.

What blood type do optimists usually have?

B positive

We have to stay optimistic now

Because positive is not a good sign....

A man had a pessimist and an optimist for kids. One Christmas, he decided to teach them a lesson...

He gave his pessimist a room full of all the toys he’d asked for that year. And for the optimist, he dumped a huge pile of horse manure in the back yard. A short while later, he went in to check on them.

He found he pessimist sitting in the middle of his room full of untouched toys, crying. H...

What species is the most optimistic?

Fish, they take every oppor-tuna-ty

A pessimist and an optimist are at a bar having a drink.

The pessimist says "things couldn't be going any worse for me right now". The optimist says, "yeah they could".

A pessimist and and an optimist fall off the top of a 100 story building......

The pessimist was heard screaming and cursing as he past the 20th floor. As the optimist fell past he quietly whispered "so far, so good"!

In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.

I was having trouble reading the paper the other day . . .

. . . so I went to the optimist and he said everything was fine.

I'm an optimistic pessimist.

I'm positive things will go wrong.

Optimist Joe

An optimist by every account, Joe was sitting in the bar when his friends come to him and say, "Joe, how can you call yourself an optimist when bad things are always happening ?" To which Joe replied, "there's always a good side to every situation, you just have to know it."

So, they tell Joe...

Some people are just over-optimistic.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Soviet pessimists and optimists

Soviet pessimist say "Ilya, things couldn't possibly get any worse"

Soviet optimist, with a big grin, says "Yes they can Sasha"

An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.

A pessimist fears that this is true.

I'm a recovering optimist.

I'm getting worse day by day.

An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.

The optimist declares, “This is the best of all possible worlds.” The pessimist sighs and says, “You’re right.”

People used to be a lot more optimistic in the past, but things have taken quite a turn haven't they. The economy's uncertain, salaries are shrinking, jobs are dissipating. Morale is generally quite low nowadays.

If the elevator were invented today, it would be called the plunger.

What is an Optimistic Vampires favorite drink?

B Positive!

Today, I woke up an optimist.

He punched me in the face.

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Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.

Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.

One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.

The next day Carl goes to the bar a...

What do you call a lying robot with a positive outlook?

Optimist prime the deception-con

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

It could've been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.
...

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have you heard about the pessimist and the optimist at Christmas?

It's Christmas time, a father had no time to buy each of his son's a Christmas gift... So he decides to think of the quickest thing possible since it was Christmas eve. The next morning the pessimist wanders down the stairs with a blank expression while moaning, the optimist walks down the stairs wi...

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What do you call a person with a Sex Playlist?

Optimistic.

I was a rather optimistic child

I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

You ever been to an optimistic optometrist?

They’ll tell you that your glasses are half full.

I have always wanted to be a motivational speaker. To get the crowd on their feet. To feel optimistic about the day ahead, or even the life ahead. To make them feel like all their dreams are within arms reach with just a little hard work and the willingness to be something more than just who you are

Im just too lazy to get up.

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Something about an optimist and a pessimist. I couldn't think of a good title for this one.

Once upon a time, there was a mom and dad that had two children.
One of them was an optimist, the other a pessimist. Wanting to
understand why the two children were so different, they consulted
a psychiatrist, who set up an experiment to help figure it out.

The psychiatrist led the...

A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?

Buoyant!

So my friend got annoyed that I kept singing Pompeii by Bastille, so they told me to stop.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Started my first job two months ago: low paying job but with good potential for growth. I’m yet to pay my student loan

During the job interview, my boss said I spend to much time thinking before I answered the questions, so they have doubts with my sincerity. Nevertheless, he said he saw my potential and picked me.

The board was going to meet today to discuss about an impending merger. My boss asked me to co...

Thanos seems like an optimistic guy.

You know, universe half full kind-of-guy.

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