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Pessimist Jokes

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How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. I am screwed, lightbulb is screwed, the whole fucking world is screwed

A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel

An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel

A REALIST sees a freight train

The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

So an optimist was best friends with a pessimist.

He was always trying to find things that could make his pessimist friend say something positive about but he never could.

One day, the optimist decided to buy a fabulous pet that his pessimist friend couldn’t find anything wrong with. So he went to a specialty pet store and explained his mis...

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

I like being a pessimist

I'm either right, or pleasantly surprised.

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The Optimist and the Pessimist.

Once, a family had two young boys. One was an eternal optimist, finding good in everything, even terrible things. The other was a pessimist who could find no joy in the world at all.

The parents, despairing of their boys ever leading healthy, fruitful lives, sought out a psychologist for he...

how many pessimist does it take to change a light bulb?

they can’t, they need an optimist to show them the bright side

A German joke from 1944

How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

The optimistic pessimist.

The reason I'm a pessimist is I'm either right or delightfully proven wrong.

I was born a pessimist

My blood-type is B negative.

I'm in a band called The Introverted Pessimists.

You've probably never heard of us, but that's fine.

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

The Depressed Pessimist

The depressed pessimist: *"I don't think this day can get any worse..."*

 

The cheerful optimist: *"IT CAN!!"*

Why ate pessimists so good at developing photos

Because they always focus on negatives

An optimist and a pessimist were riding a bus together when the optimist got hungry.

"Let's stop at the next restaurant," said the optimist. "Then we can take the next bus and continue our journey."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said the pessimist. "It could cause something bad to happen."

"Or it could cause something good to happen," replied the optimist, "and b...

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Where do pessimistic Jews go to worship?

A cynicgogue

I must be a pessimist,

I've been trying to avoid positive people all year

What’s the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

They both fear the wurst

What do you call a pessimistic gazelle?

A cantaloupe.

Pessimist

Friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.


The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could...

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The difference between an optimist and a pessimist

The optimist thinks that by 2040 the humanity will be eating shit.

The pessimist thinks that there won't be enough for everybody...

Here's a pessimist joke:

Never mind.. it isn't good enough.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

A pessimistic hiker gets to the peak of Mt. Everest

He says to his friend, "It's all downhill from here"

It's not my fault I'm such a pessimist.

My blood type is B Negative.

What do pessimistic Borg say?

Existence is futile!

Pessimists are like German vegetarians.

They fear the wurst.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

He doesn't expect to be paid back.

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a Bar

The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise

Why was the electron a pessimist?

Because he always put a negative spin on things

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

My friends say I’m a pessimist

But I think it’s far worse than that.

Optimists vs pessimists

Optimists hope that we live in the best world.
Pessimists fear that this is actually the case...

As a perpetually pessimistic person, I finally have something to be positive about!

It was a COVID test.





(Note: My actual test came back negative.)

A pessimist and an optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a...

A pessimist finished building a majestic slide.

"Things can only go downhill from here."

A pessimist, an optimist and a conductor are in a tunnel

P: "There is nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel."

o: "I see a beautiful shining light at the end of the tunnel."

C: "Why are there two morons on the tracks?"

A pessimist arrives at a restaurant for his date.

He says, "A table for one, please."

A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

I am a pessimist

Pessimism sucks

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

A pessimist and and an optimist fall off the top of a 100 story building......

The pessimist was heard screaming and cursing as he past the 20th floor. As the optimist fell past he quietly whispered "so far, so good"!

They find two 5-year olds, an optimist and a pessimist, and decide to do an experiment

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.

After an hour they open the door on the p...

Do you know the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

A pessimist will say, “Man things can’t get any worse!”

An optimist will reply, “Oh yeah they can!”

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A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.

A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks them for their drink orders. The pessimist says “Even if you make me your best drink, I’m sure it’ll be disappointing. Go ahead, anything you make is going to be shit.”

The nihilist says, “I’ll have what he’s having but make m...

My doctor said I was pessimistic.

Once, there was a shark who bit-off the left side of my body; he let out a small chuckle and said,


"I'm very sorry for this, but I think you are all right."


I replied, "Seriously, doc? I have nothing left."

The scariest thought of a pessimist

Optimists think that we live in the best of all worlds.

That's just what pessimists are so afraid of to be true.

Why are horses so pessimistic?

Because they're Naysayers

An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.

The optimist declares, “This is the best of all possible worlds.” The pessimist sighs and says, “You’re right.”

Why can't pessimists work in drug testing?

They can't see any positives.

How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Never mind, nobody would get the joke anyways.

I'm sure pessimists live well

they never get frustrated.

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My wife's an optimist, but I know inside of her there's a pessimist.

I'm probably going to cum early and dissapoint her :(

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Pessimist had not sex for a long time

Optimist had sex but long ago

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What does a pessimistic German say to his wife before sex?

“Prepare for the wurst.”

There's really no sense in being pessimistic...

It's not going to work, anyway.

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My girlfriend is quite pessimistic about our sex life,

but I'm a vagina half full kind of guy.

What do you call two pessimists dating?

A double negative.

Credit to /u/copperbonker

A pessimist is always alone.

An optimist is always two away from a threesome.

Horses are very pessimistic

In fact they're the worst neigh-sayers I know

I just joined the pessimists club.

Only had to fill out half or the registration form.

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

[OC] What does a blind pessimist say?

"What glass?"

A journalist friend of mine asked if I wanted to hear the good news or bad news first

Being a pessimist, I chose the bad news.

She said, "Alright, Breitbart and Fox News it is then..."







^(Wasn't sure if anyone's done this joke before but couldn't find anything like it in search function; please don't yell at me if it is a repost)

What did the vein say to the pessimistic blood clot?

Ay, be positive.

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have you heard about the pessimist and the optimist at Christmas?

It's Christmas time, a father had no time to buy each of his son's a Christmas gift... So he decides to think of the quickest thing possible since it was Christmas eve. The next morning the pessimist wanders down the stairs with a blank expression while moaning, the optimist walks down the stairs wi...

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