UPJOKE
mmmoohwowwhoayeahyahgoshhahahahheyhehwhooughyupyep

Ohh Jokes

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

It says here on your resume that you were a m-m-misogynist?

"Yes, I used to give massages."

"OHH! I was confused because--"

"Because you're a woman?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a hot day at the end of summer, and ...

A man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.


Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."


Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream." ...

Told this girl I missed her, and she replied with "ohh". Guys, what zone is this?

Ozone

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're sta...

Wife: You’re shirtless?

Me: Yes

Wife: And also covered in ... oil?

Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?

Wife: Listen! You never listen!

Me: Ohh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that there was 4 types of orgasms?

There’s the positive orgasm, negative orgasm, holy orgasm and the fake orgasm

The positive orgasm goes “Oh yes, ohh yess”,
the negative orgasm goes “Oh no, Ohh nooo”,
the holy orgasm goes “Oh God, ohh Godd”,
The fake orgasm goes “Oh •insert friends name•, ohh •insert friends name•...

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.

The barman says "That was quick!"


"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.

"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.

The man answers "no money."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting in his living room when he hears: baby baby baby ohh yeah coming from his sons room.

He yells " is that Justin Bieber?!" The son yells back "No dad, its just porn!" The dad thanks God.

What did the American say after his wife explained US currency to him?

Ohh, that makes cents

How do recognize an airline pilot in the room?

ohh, he will tell you.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves

Ohh wait they can knot.

So there's this matchstick climbing up

On the hill. And it's all sweaty because it's exhausted. Nearly at the top of the hill, there is a hedgehog walking by and the matchstick goes

"Ohh! If only I had known there was a bus, I would have taken the bus."

Up in Heaven, God was feeling tired

He had been a busy deity lately.

Anyways, St. Peter suggests he should go on vacation.

“Where?" rants God, "I created everything! I know what everything is!!"

“Well" replies St. Peter, "Earth is a nice place. You could go there."

“Ohh no! Not Earth!" says God, "I went ...

I still remember my grandfathers last words

OHH GOD A BUS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rules of Hell

A guy come to hell and rings the bell. Door opens and
he: "Ohh, wow, I am very surprise that the Boss opens the door himself. "

Lucifer: "That is normal here as I have to explain the rules to you."

Guy: "So what is it, what do I have to do ?"

Lucifer: "Well listen very care...

Once there was a young man with a wooden eye.

Now, he's very self conscious of his eye. Every year, the annual village dance comes around, and every year, he stands off to the side, feeling sorry for himself.

This year was no different. As he's standing there, all melancholy, he spots a young lady with a wooden leg. She too is standing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tic-tac-toe is actually bad for kids

It teaches them about the Xs and Os and when someone wins it's either "XXX" or "oh, ohh, OHHH!"

An elderly lady & her husband get pulled over by the cops for speeding near Lexington, Kentucky

Officer: “ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”

Lady to her husband: “WHAT’D HE SAY??”

Man: “HE ASKED IF YOU KNOW WHY HE PULLED YOU OVER!!”

Lady to the cop: “OH. No!”

Officer: “well ma’am you were going well over the speed limit.”

Lady to her husband: “WHAT’D ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God was hungover…

(long)

God woke up with an unholy hangover.

He was rubbing His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door.

“Enter if you must!” God shouted.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. F...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid and his homework

KID: Dad, What are gays?

DAD: Well, you see your mom and I love each other very much. The same can be applied to two men.

KID: Ohh. So what is penetrating gays

DAD: Read me the entire sentence.

KID: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

DAD:

Bless you son!!!

(Perhaps a repost, but I heard it for the first time. So here it goes)

A small boy talking to his mother while his dad sits nearby.

Boy: Mom, I want to marry 3 girls when I grow up.

Mom: 3 girls!! But why son?

Boy: One to cook food for me, one to do my laundry and one to ...

Can someone explain please ?

Wife : How is my husband ?

Doctor : Well, you are what you eat.

Wife : but he only eats vegetables ... Ohh

A blind man gets into a blondes only bar

He approaches the bar, asks for a beer, and tells her:

- Do you want to hear a very funny joke on blondes?

- Ohh man, you got into the wrong place with this joke! I am 200 pounds blonde barwoman, at your right there is a blonde bodybuilder, at the right there is a blond black belt on k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will you ever love another girl?

A girl asks her boyfriend, "do you promise to always love me and never another girl?"

The guy responds, "sorry, but I can't do that."

Girl: "W-what? So you're thinking about someone else! Who this fuck is this other woman?!"

Guy: "She looks exactly like you, but younger"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.

“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”

His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine - just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”

“Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. ...

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.

Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a dog.

Waiter: ohh, why a dog?

Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”..

A man and his wife went to a new restaurant...

A waiter soon comes up to their table.
Waiter: Good evening, what would you like to order?
Wife: I would like to have the salad, no nuts, please.
Waiter: Certainly, ma'am.

The man quickly leans over to his wife.
Man: But there isn't any mention of nuts in the menu de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rick and John

Two friends Rick and John meet after a long time in a bar.

Rick: "Last few weeks it is not too bad - I had sex around twice a week with my girlfriend."

John: "Same here - at least twice a week"

Rick: "Very good. Listen, I was not aware you had a girlfriend, you never told me ?"<...

Two men are talking to each other

M1: I can not believe you slept with her!

M2:What was I supposed to do she was just laying there naked!

M1:The autopsy!!!

M2:Ohh

M1:You are the worst vet I know

You probably need glasses.

- What?
- I SAID, YOU PROBABLY NEED GLASSES!
- Ohh... Yeah.
- Also a hearing aid.
- What?

Just overheard this in a local McDonald's

My wife and I walked past a fancy restaurant

She said "Ohh , something smells nice"

So I decided to treat her - I let her walk past it a second time.

An old joke (NSFW)

So little Dave walks into a room where he sees his mom on top of the dad. She is going up and down and little Dave says "WTF are you doing on top of dad?"
Mom says, well, I am trying flatten his belly. Then little Dave says "Ohh mom, that will never work. The neighbor Suzy always comes here in...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.