UPJOKE
mileyheidihahalolchristinabieberbritneyvanessalindsaywhitneyangelinanikkijoelhannahcarly

Omg Jokes

OMG!!! I was sitting in the Nordstrom bathroom stall

And had just sat down when a voice in the next stall over said “Hi! How are
You??”. Embarrased, I said “I’m fine?”. The voice continued “So what are you up to??” I said “Just sitting here like you!” Then the voice says “Can I come over??” Thoroughly annoyed and somewhat alarmed at this point I sa...

me: omg! there's a wolf!

Wife: where?

Me: no, the regular kind!

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

“omg it’s cake day, quick, repost a cake joke!”

“Nah, i’m batter than that”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a joint?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a water...

Omg, the coronavirus has killed 12 Brazilian people!

How many is a brazilian?

A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree, when a lizard walks past..

The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river...

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date, and apparently it was OK

But then we saw Oxygen getting together with Magnesium, and we were like, OMg Oxygen is cheating on Potassium! That is *not* OK!

But then when Nitrogen started flirting, Oxygen said NO.

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling this girl about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her ...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I'm offering you my seat, you take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OMG! The waiter just sneezed on my toast!

I can't believe it! Snot butter!

Omg we are having a baby boy!

Edit: THIS BLEW UP!

Edit 2: this post is on FIRE! Thanks!

Today I got a girlfriend

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

OMG, I have Alzheimer's Bulimia!

I eat and eat and then forget to vomit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: "OMG I JUST WON THE LOTTERY! Quick pack your suitcase!"

Husband: "What?! That awesome! Holy ...uh... should I pack for the beach? The mountains? DISNEY???!!!"

Wife: "I don't care just get the out!"

Dad, I can't sleep.

dad: "Why not?"

kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!"

kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

Omg I just woke up from a horrible nightmare!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, just enjoying the water when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's w...

OMG!! I used to be SOOOOOOO popular with the local ladies!!!

THen I got ad-blocker

While in bed, my girlfriend said, "OMG it's so large!"

Problem is, I'm a serious arachnophobe, and it was right next to me.

Why does Windows 10 say "Hello"?

Because my PC is a Dell.


(please don't hurt me it's my first post on r/Jokes omg)

OMG I just saw THE Roger Daltrey!!

The Who?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

“...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

Omg it took an hour for my friend and I to realize that our Uber driver was a celebrity!!

He’s even ranked top ten in the list of most desired people in the world by the FBI!

OMG! Is anybody a doctor on this plane?!

*BAM BAM!!! BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!*
...anyone else?!

Me: Hey I just won the lottery pack your bags. My wife: OMG we’re going on vacation????

Me: No I’m divorcing you.

Man’s wife was celebrating her birthday

Her husband made a nice candlelight dinner. It was gorgeous. At the end of the dinner she asks for her present.

Husband all happy says I was hoping you’d ask that, go to the window.

Woman goes to the window and asks “so what am I looking at?”

Her husband points and says do yo...

OMG!! I made a science Joke.

What did the German small intestine say when you asked him if he would go to the party?

-Vill i?

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt...

A Frenchman, a Dutchman and a German walk into a bar...

Normally there also would've been a Belgian, an Englishman and an Italian, but they couldn't come since they're still at the European Championship.

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this blonde sees a building on fire.

She pulls out her phone and calls 911. Below is a transcript of the phone call.

Blonde: OMG! There is a building on fire.

Dispatch: What is the address?

Blonde: I don’t know.

Dispatch: okay…how do we get there?

Blonde: Duh, red truck.

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

My son would've been 3 years old today

Her: OMG WHAT HAPPENED?!



Me: I pulled out...

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

A news headline reads: “Airliner crashes. No survivors expected…

Brazilian citizens among the dead”. I read it to my friend, and they exclaim: “OMG, how many is a Brazilian?!”.

I was just proposed to with a Magnesium Oxide crystal.

... OMgOMgOMgOMgOMgOMg...

The mommy whale went up to the daddy whale after taking a pregnancy test

She says to him, "Honey! I'm pregnant again! Can you believe it?"

With tears of joy he responds excitedly, "OMG Honey! This is amazing news! I've always wanted more children! I love you! Thank you!

She responds, "Your *whalecum.*"

Two attractive women were talking...

1. Hey, I had a great time last night, I slept with a Brazilian.

2. OMG, how many is a brazilian?
6 jokes are hidden here because they may not be suitable for all ages.
show them anyway

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.