OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

Husband arguing with wife

This husband was complaining to a buddy that him and his wife were arguing and he hadn’t been home in a few days. His buddy told him what he does when he argued with his wife was to sneak into the house, lift the bottom of the sheets to the bed, and slide up until he was in between his wife’s legs a...

What did their parents say when they heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going to get married?

OMg

OMG there's a wolf!

Where?

No, the regular kind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johhny + cake day = ?

Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks,


“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.


So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noi...

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

A lady visits a doctor

“Doctor, I was eating some potato chips, and there was a small bag that said ‘DO NOT EAT’, and I accidentally ate that too, am I going to die?..”

“Well, we’re all going to die at some point…” Starts the doctor.

“We’re all gonna die?! OMG, WHAT HAVE I DONE!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OMG! The waiter just sneezed on my toast!

I can't believe it! Snot butter!

A couple had been dating for a few months.

And they decided to consummate the relationship.

As they were driving to the hotel the man says, “Just so you know I am really nervous about doing this, you see I am built like a baby boy down there.”

She replies, “OMG I bet that was really hard to to confess too! And I am so relieved...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

EDIT 4:HOLY CRAP THANKS FOR THE ARGENTIUM!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: "OMG I JUST WON THE LOTTERY! Quick pack your suitcase!"

Husband: "What?! That awesome! Holy shit...uh... should I pack for the beach? The mountains? DISNEY???!!!"

Wife: "I don't care just get the fuck out!"

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his ...

A Frenchman, a Dutchman and a German walk into a bar...

Normally there also would've been a Belgian, an Englishman and an Italian, but they couldn't come since they're still at the European Championship.

Last week Oxygen took potassium on a date and it was just OK

Then yesterday I saw Oxygen with a date with Magnesium and I was like OMg

Omg we are having a baby boy!

Edit: THIS BLEW UP!

Edit 2: this post is on FIRE! Thanks!

Omg, the coronavirus has killed 12 Brazilian people!

How many is a brazilian?

What do you say to a pregnant jack-o-lantern?

Omg! You're glowing!

Omg it took an hour for my friend and I to realize that our Uber driver was a celebrity!!

He’s even ranked top ten in the list of most desired people in the world by the FBI!

"Do you know my father is a doctor?"

Guy 2: Wow! My father is a doctor too!

Guy 1: Phillip is my last name.

Guy 2 [excited]: Omg! My surname is Phillip too.

Guy 1: I'm 23 years old.

Guy 2: What? Get out of here [laughing], I'm also 23 years old.

Guy 1: Don't tell me that you are born on the 14th of Au...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blondes Cindy and Stacy run into each other on monday...

Cindy : Hi Stacy! Did you have a good weekend? I went out to the club on saturday!

Stacy: OMG! I was there too! I danced with two Brazilian guys who were at the club!

Cindy: Oh wow! How many is a Brazillion?

Omg you look so much better without your glasses!

Omg what are the odds! You look so much better without my glasses too!

Me: Hey I just won the lottery pack your bags. My wife: OMG we’re going on vacation????

Me: No I’m divorcing you.

Omg I just woke up from a horrible nightmare!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, just enjoying the water when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is worried his wife is very ill.

So he takes her to the doctor. The doc runs batteries of tests, looking at every system in her body, and finally comes out to talk to the very worried man in his waiting room.

"Sir, I think we're narrowed down your wife's condition to two possibilities. She either has a serious venereal disea...

A blonde is traveling with her friend down an old back road when she slams on her breaks to miss a rabbit.

They both get out of the car to see a dead rabbit laying in the middle of the road.

The friend turns to the blonde and says “omg, you just killed that poor rabbit, what are we going to do?”

The blonde returns to her car to retrieve a spray can, then back to her friend, that’s frantic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad cooks dinner.

He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.

Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.

Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it.

A father has something to confess to his daughter

Dad: Daughter i need to tell you something
Daughter: yeah dad, what's up?
Dad: you were adopted
Daughter: OMG, no way, then i want to meet my biological parents!
Dad: Oh yeah, don't worry, that's us! and you already know us, your new parents are coming to pick you up tomorrow.

OMG!! I used to be SOOOOOOO popular with the local ladies!!!

THen I got ad-blocker

Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having an affair.

One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

Woman: 'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window'.

BF: It's raining out there!'

Woman: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of the window!...

OMG, it’s raining coins!!!

Yeap, climate change

I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together.

OMg

While in bed, my girlfriend said, "OMG it's so large!"

Problem is, I'm a serious arachnophobe, and it was right next to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

Why - what are YOU afraid of?

A cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her license and registration.

The LOL says, "Before I reach for my license, you should know I have a .45 in my purse."

The cop says, "Thank you for telling me. Please move very slowly when you take out your license!"

The LOL says, ...

My wife just text me: “What does IDK stand for?”. “I Don’t Know.” I replied

A short time later she replied: “OMG! Nobody does!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I’m having sex I like to talk about philosophy

So she’d go like “OMG, that’s so deep.”

OMG! Is anybody a doctor on this plane?!

*BAM BAM!!! BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!*
...anyone else?!

OMG I just saw THE Roger Daltrey!!

The Who?

So other day I was chatting with this one girl who wasn't that tech savvy per se. The conversion went like this:

Her: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU??

Me: Uhh try pressing the Caps Lock.

Her:OMG AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

OMG, I have finally discovered what is wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right, and on the right side there is nothing left ......

intresting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lionel Messi hooks up with a girl at the bar..

They both get naked

Girl: \*Runs away\* and shouts OMG your penis says AIDS

Messi: Come closer and read it again(now fully erect) its ADIDAS

IRL Accidental joke story

IDK where to post this but I figured I'd make some people chuckle before it gets taken down. But if someone in comments could point out a subreddit for funny stories, thanks that'd be awesome.

Was working on a neighbors overhang/pergola and roof (damages, old house). His 4 year old kid was as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three racehorses and a racing dog are together after a day of racing.

The first horse says: "You guys won't believe what happed to me in the race today! I was taking my time at the race I was like 12th or 13th not caring too much. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st."


The second horse sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won the lottery yesterday.

I ran into my house and yelled to my wife “PACK YOUR BAGS, I WON THE LOTTERY!” She screams “OMG, should I pack for warm or cold weather?????” I yelled back “ I DONT CARE, JUST GET THE FUCK OUT”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a pet shop, looking to replace his lost wife. Immediately, a parrot befriends him....

Parrot says, "I love you, you're the greatest!"
Having just had lost people close to him, he is enamored.
"Come home with me," he says,
Parrot says, "Please!"
After bringing the parrot home and securing it in a safe space, Parrot says:
"I hate it here. You're an asshole."
This bant...

Town idiot got fed up of how dumb he is and decided to off himself

He hikes up the mountain to jump off the ledge. He's finally 30 feet away from the ledge when he hears an old man's voice "What r u doing up here young man?

The guy turns around and tells him about how he's the town idiot and fed up with his own stupidity and how he can't take it anymore. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: Two guys in the shower

Two guys are in the shower having sex and the phone rings.
"I have to answer that, I'll be right back" says the first guy.
"Omg, hurry up." Says the second guy.
"I will don't cum without me." The first guys says back.
He hurries down and gets the call. He finishes and heads back upstair...

Imagine if people started calling DPs as PPs (short for profile picture)

"OMG your PP is so cute!!"

"Your PP sucks, change it asap"

"Drag and Resize your PP to fit the frame"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke is popular with lebanese people, idk if everyone will find it funny but here we go

Mr. Abed and Mrs. Abed recently moved to a new building on the first floor. They were very happy they moved to a better area, but little did they know there was a man living in the second floor who plays the violin. At night when they went to sleep, the man started playing the violin and it was beau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 girls meet up at a cafe after a huge night out

First Girl says: "OMG, I was so drunk last night, I got home and blew chunks in the lounge."

Second Girl: "That's nothing, I fell asleep with a smoke and burnt a huge hole in my carpet."

Third Girl: "That's nothing, I ran out of money and was so drunk that I fucked the taxi driver to p...

Translated Joke

Katie is 9 years old girl who grew up in a village , she like to wear her pretty little dress her mum made for her on her birthday .

One day when Katie was out playing , an unknown man challenge her to climb the coconut tree and pluck a coconut down for him for 20$ .

She accepted and c...

Doctor: "I have bad news, you are going to die."

Me: OMG. How long do I have?

Dr: 10

Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks, days?

Dr: 9

Dad, I can't sleep.

dad: "Why not?"

kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!"

kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

16yo with a part time job at McDonald's comes home in a new Porsche Panamera Turbo S.

His mom screams at him, "HOW THE HELL DID YOU BUY THAT PORSCHE, WE KNOW WHAT IT COSTS."

The 16yo says, "I got it from that old lady over there, she gave me it for $1.

His mom, steaming: OMG SHE MIGHT BE A RAPIST AND A CHILD ABUSER! LET'S GO SEE HER!!"

His dad goes to the old lad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor.

So the teacher gives them a hint and say it's what your parents call each other. A little girl shouts and says “ OMG their assholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.