UPJOKE
adverbialvacationphraseadverbclausecatchphrasewordloanwordverblexicalwordyverbalhugphraseologyterminology

Ooo Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Monkeys were in the process of getting into a bath, and one said to the other "ooo aa oo eee ooo ee oo"

And the other one said "put some fucking cold in then!"

*dipping my toe into water* "Ooo that's much too cold!"

Girlfriend: "Waiter, I'd like a separate jug please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ooo heaven is a place on earth

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’...

A joke with no porpoise.

So there’s these two whales right? And they’re swimming in the ocean. So one whale looks at the other and says….

“OOoOoooOoooooOoooooOooooOoOooOoOoOooooooooOOOOOOOoooOoOoOoOoO *whale noises* oOoooOOo
OoooOOoOooOooOooooOooOoooooooOoOoOoOoooooOoooOOOOOooooo”

Then the other whale says…...

What's the difference between "ooo" and "aaa?"

About three inches

Two monkeys in the bath, one turns to the other and says 'ooo ooo aah aahh!!' to which the other replies..

'Well put some cold in then!'

Why do ghosts say booOoOoo?

Because they are disappointed in you...

Two whales walk into a bar

The first one goes to the barman and says:
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooOoOooOOoOoooooOOOOOOOoOOooooOoOoOOoOooOoOOoOOooooooooOOOOOOOoOOOoOOo"

The second one turns to the first and says, "shut up Frank, you're drunk."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny in 1st grade!

The first grade teacher Mrs. Pyne gives an assignment to her students and she says, "I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that begins with that letter."

She goes in order and begins with the letter A. "Who can give me a word that begins with the letter A. Li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms

A boy and his father are shopping when they pass the condom aisle. The boy sees three pack sizes of condoms, a pack of three, one of six, and one of twelve. He grabs the three pack.

The father says, “Those are for high schoolers. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

T...

A cop pulls over three elderly woman..

The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"

Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"

The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"

Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgiv...

Doctor: Say ahh

Me: OOO WAH AH AH AH!

Doctor: It appears you are down with the sickness.

Monkey bath

A monkey bath -
A bath that’s so hot, when you step in you go
“Ooo ooo ooo”

Two whales walk into a bar

The first whale goes "oooOOOOOoooo...aaaaaaaaa......\*BLURB\* \*BLURB\* \*BLURB\* aaaaaaEEEEEooooOOOOOO ooooeeeEEE \*whomp\* \*whomp\*\*whomp\* acacacacacacacacacacac oooOOoooeeeeeeEEEEEE AAAAAAaaaaaaOoooOOOOOOOO"

The second whale looks at him and goes "I don't get it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pharmacy

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he brings a huge ...

Fishing secret

A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret.
"What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long."...

What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

Where do Welsh sheep farmers take their fleece to send overseas?

OooOooo woolwarves of London

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples are waiting in line to interview with St. Peter, hoping to get into Heaven....

St. Peter looks in his records & says to the first man “hmm. This doesn’t look good. I see here you were a very greedy man. So greedy in fact that you married this woman here just because her name is Penny. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in.”

Saddened, they walk away and the next couple w...

I was in a Thai strip club.

After flirting with one of the workers, I suggested we go to the bathroom together.

"Ooo, what for, honey?" she winked.

I said, "Clarity."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Well isn't that nice"

Three old ladies were sitting at a table playing bridge and talking about their Anniversaries...

Lady 1: My husband bought me this beautiful diamond necklace

Lady 2: Ooo pretty

Lady 3: Well isn't that nice

Lady 2: well my husband bought me this stunning bracelet

La...

Why are so many ghosts alcoholics?

Because they love BOOOOoooOOoOoOoooooooze!!

An American working in London visits a rural pub in the west country

There are three farmers sitting at a table and he can't help but overhear their discussion.

"I reckons its like TrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUMMMP!" says the first farmer ending the sound with a triumphant squeaking crescendo

"No no, it's more like Trrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooomp" responds the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother told me a good joke, and I’m pretty it’s from something, not sure what.

So I once worked at a dildo store. One day the manager had to go out to run an errand, and left me in charge.

The first woman comes in and says “Can I get the black one?”. She buys it, she leaves.

A second woman comes in and says “Ooo can I get that blue one?”. She buys it, she leave...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my local theatre advertising a night of XXX Roman plays...

I thought "ooo, sounds sexy," so I went along, but was disappointed.

It turned out to just be thirty plays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW 2 Nuns

2 Nuns have been tucked away in a convent for the last 2 years when the Mother Superior approaches them and informs them that due to their dedication and devotion over the last 2 years she will take them on a trip to the nearest village.

The 2 sisters smile with glee and anticipation to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's late on St. Patrick's day and a man is one of the last people at an Irish pub that's ready to close up. [NSFW]

Before heading out, the man goes to the bathroom to relieve himself.

He walks up to a urinal and notices that standing at the next urinal over is a very short person wearing s green coat, shoes with golden buckles, and a green top hat. He also can't help but notice that this little man appear...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple haven't had sex in a long while...

... One night hubby comes home drunk.

"Woman! Get undressed!"

"Oh, boy" the woman thinks as she's undressing as quickly as possible "tonight's my lucky night!"

"Come in the hallway!" shouts the man.

The woman rushes to the hallway thinking "Ooo, stand up sex, my favourite...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little boy and his Grandfather

Little boy sitting on his grandfather’s lap and his grandfather’s smoking a cigar. He says grandfather can I have a puff of your cigar. Grandfather asks, does your dick touch your asshole? Little boy says no. Grandfather says no you can’t have a puff of my cigar. A few days later the little boy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman hit it off at a bar and head back to his place.

Things start getting hot and she says "before we get started, there's something I want to show you.. put your fingers in my pussy, all of them."

Without thinking, he puts in all the fingers on his left hand.

She commands "now, get your whole hand in."

He replies, "ooo you're pr...

My rich cousin's hummer-porschaghini (Long)

So I have this cousin who is absolutely loaded and he had this idea he would pay the best mechanic around to build him custom car.

He wanted the body of a Lamborghini, with the engine of a Porsche, and all the amazing features of an original hummer. He decided to call it the Hummer-porschagh...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.