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Oh My God Jokes

‟GIVE IT TO ME” she yelled ‟Oh my God I am so wet!!”

She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

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Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during sex?

Because it's unbelievable.

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

FP Edit: RIP my inbox

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up.

But the bird was cool.

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

I let go a silent fart in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...

Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time

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Oh my god. You are so hot !

I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I want you to fuck me right now!'

It's true. You can ask Brad Pitt, he was right behind me.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”

I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

Oh my god I'm in trouble I just sold my soul to satan.

No problem, I just bought 2 atheists souls for a dollar each and traded them for mine.

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A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.

The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."

His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."

The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the...

While in bed, my girlfriend screamed, "Oh my god, it's so big!"

Then I saw the spider.

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.

"Hello!"

"Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake."

"But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..."

"Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

"Ok honey, I need you to go...

A man opens the bonnet of his VW Beetle. His jaw drops - "Oh my god, someone stole my engine!"

Then he goes round the back and opens the trunk. "Phew, thankfully I have a spare."

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 panties of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my panties.

Husband : Which people?

(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)

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3 blondes are walking in the woods.

3 blonde girls are walking in the woods when they stumble across a set of tracks, the first girl having went to a zoo last week claims that the tracks are deer tracks, the second blonde laughs,

"Caitlyn you dumb bitch those are bear tracks!"

The third blonde chimes in,

"Oh my go...

A man was away on a business trip, and decided to call his wife and to let her know he had arrived safely

A little girl picks up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, Honey. This is Daddy, is mommy near the phone?" Daddy asks

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says "But, honey, you haven't got an uncle Paul."

"Oh, yes I do, and he's upst...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

"Oh my god," said my wife, smiling, "our boy's...kicking."

I said, "Yes, that's generally how football works."

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

Oh my god, I think I just ran over the most famous buck in Ireland.

O'Deer.

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A girlfriend says to her boyfriend: “Oh my god give it to me! God give it to me I’m so fucking wet!”

Boyfriend: “I don’t care how wet you are, it’s my umbrella.”

"Oh my god! Sarah Jessica Parker is a competitive sprinter?!"

"Greg, calm down! This is just the Kentucky Derby."

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"OH MY GOD, RYAN! YOU'RE THE DUMBEST KID I'VE EVER MET!"

Said the teacher to Ryan, one of her students.

One day, Ryan's mum went to her son's school and had a talk with Ryan's teacher. She said that Ryan had the worst grades in school and that, in her 10 years of teaching, she never met such a dumb kid.

The mother, shocked, decided to move t...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

My wife made a Freudian slip while we were making love.

She said, "Yes! Oh yes! Oh my God Sigmund!!"

Oh my god! there was a kidnapping right outside my house today...

So weird to see a kid sleeping on the sidewalk in the middle of the day.

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...

An attractive blonde walks into a casino

The two bored dealers look at her and their eyes spark up. The blonde then makes a huge bet of $100,000 on a roll of a dice.

Before she rolls, she asks the dealers whether she could take her top off. The two dealers immediately agree.

The blonde takes her top off, and proceeds with the...

A man goes to the doctor to get his test results...

The doctor says, I'm sorry but I have bad news. You have cancer.

The man says, oh no, that's terrible!

The doctor says, I'm very sorry, but I have even more bad news. You've also got Alzheimer's.

The man says, oh my God, that's awful! But hey, at least I don't have cancer!

A man stops another man on the street

\- Oh my God, Robert! I almost didn't recognize you! You changed your hair, you changed your nose, you changed your moustache...

\- Erm, I'm sorry sir, my name's not Robert, it's Richard.

\- No way! You changed your name too?

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The First Lady was touring a hospital one day.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the First Lady. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a s...

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Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan

Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan, so she went directly to him and asked him if he had ever had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex”, he replied.

Jane thought for a moment and then explained in detail what sex was to him.

“Tarzan use hole in tree”

Jane was shocked:”No, n...

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition...

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I WON! I WON!

man comes rushing into his house, and yells to his wife:
"honey, pack your bags! i won the lottery!!"
the wife says:
"oh my god! what should i pack for, the mountains or the beach?!?"
the man replies:
"i don't care, just get the fuck out!"

A man awakes to find himself in hospital, and soon begins yelling in terror, “Oh my god, what’s happening? I can’t feel my legs!’

The doctor walks in, very solemn, and says, “Yes Mr. Johnson, I’m sorry, we had to amputate your arms.”

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A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick."

A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick." The boss thought he was joking and paid it no mind.
The next day, sure enough he wasn't at work. The boss calls him and says "What are you doing? Why aren't you at work?:
...

Grammerly

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a miracle man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, ha...

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier. Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk? Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk. Sperm bank employee: Oh my god! Me: What?

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk.

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

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The first time I saw Back to the Future, it was at a theater in Alabama. As I was watching, I thought, "Oh my God, he's going to fuck his mom!"

Thankfully though, before they were actually able to do it, the usher came and chucked them both out.

Two well dressed men....

Two well dressed men are talking at a rooftop bar about 70 stories from the ground floor. They over hear a guy talking about how he's a hedge fund manager and how much money he makes. One of the well dressed men mentions to his friend how much he hates hedge fund managers. His friend agrees.
The ...

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

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A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

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A womans husband worked at a Pickle Factory...

One day, her husband comes home and says, "Dear, for years at work I have had the powerful urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer. Every day, when I walk past the pickle slicer, I get the compulsion to just stick it in. Well, today, I gave in and shoved my dick in the pickle slicer right there o...

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What is the funniest military-based joke you know?

I will go first ...
A beautiful lady was speaking to a General at a party:
Lady: When was the last time you had sex?
General: 1945.
Lady: Oh my God! How about some now ?
General: [Looks at his watch] No, I'm cool. It's only 2030.

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[Long] Old medical joke

A very sexually active guy went to the doctor complaining of pain when urinating.

The doctor sent him off for a number of blood, stool and semen samples, and when the result came back phoned the guy urgently and said "oh my god, you have 'Hong Kong Dong', you need to have your penis amputat...

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Did you know that there are 4 different kinds of orgasms?

There are the positive ones, "yes, yes, yes oh yes! "
There are the negative ones, "no, no, no oh no!"
There are the religious ones, "God, God, God, oh my God!"
And there are the fake ones, (insert name of person you're telling it to) moan (name again)

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A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead..

A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead decide to check their daughters bags,

All 3 of them found condoms in their respective daughters bags.

The Brunette was stunned and said :" We're a catholic family, It is a sin to have premarital sex "

The Redhead said "Its Good to see my girl is...

Blonde in a car crash.

Blonde says to the paramedic, "I think I have concussion."

Paramedic asks the blonde, "How many fingers have I got up?"

Blonde screams, "Oh my God, "I'm paralyzed from the waist down."

My favorite clean joke - the Old Man and the Ferrari

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at ...

A husband walks into the bedroom, is shocked by what he sees and shouts, "Oh my God Carol, no!" She explains, "But I told you all about us." He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is."

A couple are expecting a baby

The day finally comes, and the husband takes his wife to the hospital and she is taken to the delivery room. The husband paces the floor waiting to hear the news.

Finally, the Doctor comes out and tells the husband that he unfortunately has bad news, and that his wife has just given birth to ...

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So there's a guy born without a body...

He was born as a head, nothing else. The doctors said he would never live, but somehow, he did. He had a rough childhood, but he learned to get around, rolling where he needed to, putting up with the teasing and looks. He just tried to fit in as best he could.

By the time he's in high schoo...

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