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A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.

They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.

My husband's most recent musing:

Is an ignorant duck a "Je ne sais quack?"

A blonde buys a chainsaw

A blonde buys a chainsaw to cut down some trees in her backyard and gets the one that sais "Guaranteed to cut down 100 trees a day" on the box.
"Great" she thinks "I only want to cut down 5 trees, but I bet this one will get the job done in no time at all!"


Three days later returns...

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My wife sais she's leaving me cause I exaggerate too much

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock!

A man walks into a diner

A man walks into a diner and walks over to the counter, he asks for an esspresso but the waiter replies that they dont serve esspresos at this diner. The man goes ballistic about him needing a fast to wake up and he needs to go to work now. He demands that they make him a fresh pot right now and the...

Apparently, Google is not that smart as people think

Recently I asked Google Translator, how "Je ne sais pas" is translated, and it replied: "I do not know".

Another joke about Tommy, who has no arms and legs

Tommy was in the garden, playing in the sandbox. As he has no arms, he uses his mouth to pick up the shovels and his other sandbox toys.

As Tommy is happily playing along, his mother opens the window of their flat - which is on the 50th floor - and shouts: "Tommy! Lunch is ready!". Because to...

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?

"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest....

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

call me an idiot but what does bakka mean?

Also I don't know what je ne sais quoi means either

Blonds in the woods

There were three blonds walking through the woods, when they come across some tracks.
"These are bear tracks" said the first blond,
"No, these are deer tracks" sais the second,
"You two are both wrong, these are wolf tracks" said the third,
They were all still arguing when the tr...

A guy comes by the doctor

The doctor sais: "are you gonna clean that up?

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Three guys are stranded in the desert..

Three guys are walking through the desert and are very thirsty and they come upon a shack, the first guy goes in and there is an old lady inside, he asks for water and she sais only if you fuck me so he sais no way and sits outside, the second guy goes into the shack and asks for water and she repli...

Trump, Putin the Pope and Kim Jong-Un travelling by the sam airplane

The plane's engines are sudenly stopped, and they starts to falling. They have only three parachutes. The first one is grabbed by Trump and he sais: "I'm the most important person on Earth, I have to survive" and he jumps. The other one is grabbed by Kim Jong-Un and he sais: "I'm the mastermind, I'm...

A french guy, an italian guy and an amarican on a plane.....

Among others, there are three guys on a plane. One is french, the other is italian and the third one is american.

The american says: "I bet I can guess where we are without looking outside, just by extend my arm out of the window". The other two go "Well, lets see". So he puts his arm outside...

"Can i have a cup of coffee please?"

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks Can I help you sir?". The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?". The bartender sais "That would be $2.60". "Alright, i'll have one." sais the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground...

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Wife is in hospital with unknown condition

So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.

'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have sex with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.

Husband nods and goes back to his wife.

'Honey, what did the doctor sa...

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Two border guards

Two border guards are doing their final patrol of the night along the US-Canadian border. Half an hour before their shift is up, they hear some rustling along the path. They rush forward to check it out only to find a man who has committed suicide by hanging himself.


"Crap, the paperwork ...

A childishly innocent man dies and goes to heaven

When he gets there he is greeted by God, who says to him that in order to get into heaven, he must listen to 100 dirty jokes, without laughing, giggling or smirking. The man hears all the jokes without reacting at all however, on the 99th joke, he bursts into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. God s...

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Another Smart(ish) Blonde Joke

Hot shot lawyer sitting next to a blonde on a plane. He's thinking to himself: "oh yea, let's make some quick cash off this bimbo". This is how it ensues:

Lawyer: "Hi, we've got quite a long time sitting next to each other, so let's play a game, what do you say?"

Blonde: "Ok, sure, wha...

A joke for Halloween

A group of tourist is visiting the remnants of an ancient castle. One lady sais to their guide:

-I'm afraid. I think there might be ghosts here!

-Don't worry. I'm living here for 300 years but I've never seen any ghosts.

What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons?

Those are the wrong Sais

At the mental health clinic.

A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.


"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"


"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"


"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes,...

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Curious cherokee boy.

A young cherokee boy approached his wise old grandfather. " granfather", he said, how do we get owe names. "well", said grandfather. When a man becomes a father, as soon as his wife has given birth the man walks out of the tent and the first thing he sees becomes the babies name. So if ...

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an italian man goes to malta

Onna day Imma going to Malta to bigga hotel
In the morning I go downa to eat breakfast,
I tell the waitress I want to pieces of toast,
She brings me only one piece,
I tell her I want to piece,
She sais: "go to the toilet",
I say: "you nounderstand",
I wanna piece on my plate,...

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