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Mute Jokes

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A mute guy goes to a pharmacy to buy condoms

He walks up to the counter and meets the pharmacist.

"How may I help you?" the pharmacist asks.

The mute guy, unable to speak, simply points at his crotch.

The pharmacist shrugs, not knowing what the man is asking for.

The mute guy points at his crotch again and pulls out...

I donated $50,000 to a charity for mute children.

They didn't even say thank you.

I recently proposed to my mute girlfriend

She was speechless.

As far as disabilities go, being mute isn't that bad...

But I can't speak for everyone.

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

A Mute Lady

A lady who was mute used to point out body parts in order to convey to the shopkeeper what she wanted.

So this once she wanted a toothbrush, so she points to her teeth. The shopkeeper quickly understands and hands her one.

This other time she wanted chicken thighs, so she shows the sho...

The first rule of mute club is

Nobody talks about mute club

What is a group of mute performers standing on a grassy plain called?

A mime field.

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A mute couple where arguing

In the middle of it, the wife sticks one finger in her pussy and puts one finger on the carpet. As soon as he sees this, he sticks one finger in his ass and one finger in the aquarium.

Translation:

Her : "You better clean the carpet, or you won't get any pussy! "

Him: " I don't ...

Why is it so hard to convict a mute person in court?

Its always your word against mime.

Did you hear the one about the mute clock with Tourette's?

It ticks a lot but never talks.

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(One of my dad's favourite jokes) - A mute man meets one of his mute friends

'Hello' his friend says.

The mute man is shocked, and points to indicate his friend's sudden use of speech.

'Oh yes,' the friend replies, 'I've found a fantastic doctor that helped me speak. Here, have his contact details and give him a visit'

The mute man excitedly goes to se...

There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

A blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man like a woman

The blind man, to impress her, says: "If I could see anything, I wish I could see your face."


The deaf man says: "If I could hear anything, I wish I could hear your voice."


The mute man says:

How do you end an argument with a deaf-mute person?

You turn off the lights.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

A doctor found a cure for muteness

Dr. Smith, a medical professional studying human vocals, found a cure to muteness.

He found out after dealing with a patient and an unlikely scenario happened.

He receives an award for medicine, and is invited to give a speech. He speaks about his life, inspiration, and discovery. He b...

I find mute vocalists to be the most inspirational people

They truly are unsung heroes

Two deaf-mute kids were arguing.

The mother came and turned off the light.

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

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I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

What console does a mute chicken have?

Ex-Bawks

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I watched "The Vagina Monologues" on mute but I still understood the plot

I can read lips.

Someone asked me how being mute was going for me.

Can't complain.

What did the blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic get for Christmas?

Cancer.

How can you mute someone who’s deaf?

Turn off the lights

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A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

I remember when I found out that I was a mute.

I was upset to say the least.

What is a mute person's favorite food?

A shushkebab.

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...

The mute guy says

“What are you guys having to drink?”

The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him

“How come you just spoke if you’re mute?”

The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard...

Our company is implementing a version of Microsoft Teams Telephony where users keep their microphones muted

They're calling it Teams Telepathy.

I heard there were some mute pigeons that unsuccessfully tried to overthrow the government.

It was a failed coo

Mute budgie for sale

Not going cheap!

What language do mute mathematicians use?

Sine language

I just sold my car to a mute

He took it for a test drive and bought it, no questions asked.

My wife is a mute.

We're happily married.

I gave my mute classmate a blackboard to communicate...

But he still won't chalk to me.

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A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

A mute talks to their first stranger in Omegle

“ASL?”, the stranger replies

Have you heard about the "mute joke?"

it started with a moment of silence

The mute chicken

Why did the mute chicken leave his cheating girlfriend at the side of the road.

He couldn’t give a cluck

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I'm organizing a convention for a charity that develops and donates devices which provide audible alerts for deaf/mute individuals at their moment of orgasm.

We'll let you know who's coming.

That song "everybody talks" by neon trees is offensive to mute people....

And you'll probably never hear about it.

Did you hear what happened to the mute person?

Yeah, me neither

A deaf-mute goes golfing

...at a country club (it's Sunday, and open to the public) and is having a pretty good game. So good, in fact, that he ends up having to wait on a member playing ahead of him.
He politely waits on the slow golfer, but eventually gets fed up with the delay. So he writes a note, and gives it to the...

I can't believe they fired the mute in our office.

he was instrumental.

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A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the d...

How do you cure a mute coworker?

Tell them a secret

My wife left me because I'm a mute.

I had nothing to say to her.

Twitter have just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.

Ctrl + Alt + Right

There was a deaf mute

who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.

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The Mute

Once upon a time there was a mute, he could communicate only with sign language, he searched for a cure to his condition his whole life, until one day he met a guy and was told that he was a mute like him and got cured.

The mute asked him with passion: “What did you do?”
The ex-mute replie...

What's the best part about being a mute?

It goes without saying...

What do you call a mute Mexican

No taco

Senator, what's your opinion on mute people?

No comment.

How do you mute an Italian?

Handcuff him.

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A deaf-mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole at St. Andrews

He hands one of the players a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”   
  
The player, a total jerk, shakes his head no and points the deaf-mute to go back and wait his turn.
  
A few holes later, the jerk gets hit in the head by a golf ball while ...

A blind deaf mute was arrested for homicide last night.

It was a senseless murder

Did you hear about the mute couple that got married?

Can’t say I do.

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.

A deaf-mute man came on a Talent show.

And what is your talent?
- I can speak!

Did I ever tell you about my mute friend?

We used to be very close, but I haven't heard from him for a while.

What does a mute dog and a dead tree have in common?

There’s no bark.

I met three men the other day - a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man, named John, Fitzgerald, and...

I don't know, he wouldn't say.

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

Did you hear about the deaf man who escaped a murderous gang of mute mime artists?

Yeah, he saw them coming.

When you insult a deaf-mute murderer in sign language

...it's a deaf-sentence.

Did you hear about the mute motorcycle gang?

They don't answer to nobody.

What do deaf-mute people like about yoga pants?

They make lip-reading easier.

A mute guy survived an awful car crash early this week, what a lucky man!

I mean, he lost his hands but I guess he can't complain.

I accidentally muted the command switch on my driverless car...

...well, it goes without saying.

A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman

The mute friend points to his head.

His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important."

Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand.

His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice."

Then, the mute friend opens his hand wide in front ...

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"It's either me or your mute fuck buddy!" said my girlfriend.

I decided to keep quiet.

The most unpredictable things in my life happened when I was friends with a bunch of mutes

There was no telling what could happen

If people that can’t see are blind, people that can’t hear are deaf, and people that can’t talk are mute, then what do you call people that can’t smell?

Covid positive

Why was Karl Marx against Chinese mutes?

Because he hated the Bù shuō!

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Papal Ailment

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the Pope...

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

I thought this guy on the subway was yawning.

Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

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I am sorry, I didn't mean to push all your buttons.

I was looking for mute.

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A woman gets on a city bus.

She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger aske...

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