UPJOKE
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I donated $50,000 to a charity for mute children.

They didn't even say thank you.

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I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

I recently proposed to my mute girlfriend

She was speechless.

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A mute guy goes to a pharmacy to buy condoms

He walks up to the counter and meets the pharmacist.

"How may I help you?" the pharmacist asks.

The mute guy, unable to speak, simply points at his crotch.

The pharmacist shrugs, not knowing what the man is asking for.

The mute guy points at his crotch again and pulls out...

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

Did you hear the one about the mute clock with Tourette's?

It ticks a lot but never talks.

Our company is implementing a version of Microsoft Teams Telephony where users keep their microphones muted

They're calling it Teams Telepathy.

I find mute vocalists to be the most inspirational people

They truly are unsung heroes

A doctor found a cure for muteness

Dr. Smith, a medical professional studying human vocals, found a cure to muteness.

He found out after dealing with a patient and an unlikely scenario happened.

He receives an award for medicine, and is invited to give a speech. He speaks about his life, inspiration, and discovery. He b...

What did the blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic get for Christmas?

Cancer.

I remember when I found out that I was a mute.

I was upset to say the least.

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A mute couple where arguing

In the middle of it, the wife sticks one finger in her pussy and puts one finger on the carpet. As soon as he sees this, he sticks one finger in his ass and one finger in the aquarium.

Translation:

Her : "You better clean the carpet, or you won't get any pussy! "

Him: " I don't ...

I heard there were some mute pigeons that unsuccessfully tried to overthrow the government.

It was a failed coo

If people that can’t see are blind, people that can’t hear are deaf, and people that can’t talk are mute, then what do you call people that can’t smell?

Covid positive

I met three men the other day - a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man, named John, Fitzgerald, and...

I don't know, he wouldn't say.

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

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I watched "The Vagina Monologues" on mute but I still understood the plot

I can read lips.

Someone asked me how being mute was going for me.

Can't complain.

A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...

The mute guy says

“What are you guys having to drink?”

The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him

“How come you just spoke if you’re mute?”

The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard...

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.

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A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

How to stop a dispute between two deaf-mutes?

Turn off the light

How can you mute someone who’s deaf?

Turn off the lights

That song "everybody talks" by neon trees is offensive to mute people....

And you'll probably never hear about it.

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(One of my dad's favourite jokes) - A mute man meets one of his mute friends

'Hello' his friend says.

The mute man is shocked, and points to indicate his friend's sudden use of speech.

'Oh yes,' the friend replies, 'I've found a fantastic doctor that helped me speak. Here, have his contact details and give him a visit'

The mute man excitedly goes to se...

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

Why are mute people afraid of the dark?

Because no one can hear them scream.

As far as disabilities go, being mute isn't that bad...

But I can't speak for everyone.

What do you call a man who’s blind, deaf, mute, and paralyzed?

Probably dead.

What console does a mute chicken have?

Ex-Bawks

There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

A Mute Lady

A lady who was mute used to point out body parts in order to convey to the shopkeeper what she wanted.

So this once she wanted a toothbrush, so she points to her teeth. The shopkeeper quickly understands and hands her one.

This other time she wanted chicken thighs, so she shows the sho...

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A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

A mute talks to their first stranger in Omegle

“ASL?”, the stranger replies

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

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I am sorry, I didn't mean to push all your buttons.

I was looking for mute.

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

I'm gonna make a western about a mute lawman.

Quiet Earp.

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How do mute girls masturbate?

Do they use one hand for pleasure and one to moan?

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A deaf-mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole at St. Andrews

He hands one of the players a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”   
  
The player, a total jerk, shakes his head no and points the deaf-mute to go back and wait his turn.
  
A few holes later, the jerk gets hit in the head by a golf ball while ...

Twitter have just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.

Ctrl + Alt + Right

What is a mute person's favorite food?

A shushkebab.

Did you hear what happened to the mute person?

Yeah, me neither

What language do mute mathematicians use?

Sine language

I can't believe they fired the mute in our office.

he was instrumental.

I still remeber the day the doctor told me I was mute...

I had no words

Did you hear about the deaf man who escaped a murderous gang of mute mime artists?

Yeah, he saw them coming.

Have you heard about the "mute joke?"

it started with a moment of silence

Two deaf-mute kids were arguing.

The mother came and turned off the light.

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

What does a mute dog and a dead tree have in common?

There’s no bark.

Mute budgie for sale

Not going cheap!

I just sold my car to a mute

He took it for a test drive and bought it, no questions asked.

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A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the d...

Did you hear about the mute couple that got married?

Can’t say I do.

The most unpredictable things in my life happened when I was friends with a bunch of mutes

There was no telling what could happen

A deaf-mute man came on a Talent show.

And what is your talent?
- I can speak!

My wife left me because I'm a mute.

I had nothing to say to her.

I gave my mute classmate a blackboard to communicate...

But he still won't chalk to me.

What do you call a mute Mexican

No taco

The mute chicken

Why did the mute chicken leave his cheating girlfriend at the side of the road.

He couldn’t give a cluck

A blind deaf mute was arrested for homicide last night.

It was a senseless murder

A deaf-mute goes golfing

...at a country club (it's Sunday, and open to the public) and is having a pretty good game. So good, in fact, that he ends up having to wait on a member playing ahead of him.
He politely waits on the slow golfer, but eventually gets fed up with the delay. So he writes a note, and gives it to the...

There was once a friendly mute ghost, ironically named sound.

Sound was a very social ghost so he showed up to several seances, but every time he couldn’t talk to the people who had summoned him because he was mute, but he tried desperately to communicate anyways. He would slam doors and knock over lamps and turn on and off random appliances. After all of that...

How do you know if an Italian person is mute?

When you see he has no hands.

When you insult a deaf-mute murderer in sign language

...it's a deaf-sentence.

How do you cure a mute coworker?

Tell them a secret

Senator, what's your opinion on mute people?

No comment.

Did I ever tell you about my mute friend?

We used to be very close, but I haven't heard from him for a while.

My wife is a mute.

We're happily married.

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

What's the best part about being a mute?

It goes without saying...

A mute guy survived an awful car crash early this week, what a lucky man!

I mean, he lost his hands but I guess he can't complain.

A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman

The mute friend points to his head.

His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important."

Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand.

His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice."

Then, the mute friend opens his hand wide in front ...

What do you call an alarm that's been muted?

Clock blocked

What do deaf-mute people like about yoga pants?

They make lip-reading easier.

There was a deaf mute

who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.

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The Mute

Once upon a time there was a mute, he could communicate only with sign language, he searched for a cure to his condition his whole life, until one day he met a guy and was told that he was a mute like him and got cured.

The mute asked him with passion: “What did you do?”
The ex-mute replie...

I accidentally muted the command switch on my driverless car...

...well, it goes without saying.

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"It's either me or your mute fuck buddy!" said my girlfriend.

I decided to keep quiet.

Why Couldn't Anyone Understand The Mute Mathematician's?

They didn't speak sine language.

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