I donated $50,000 to a charity for mute children.

They didn't even say thank you.

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I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

I recently proposed to my mute girlfriend

She was speechless.

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A mute guy goes to a pharmacy to buy condoms

He walks up to the counter and meets the pharmacist.

"How may I help you?" the pharmacist asks.

The mute guy, unable to speak, simply points at his crotch.

The pharmacist shrugs, not knowing what the man is asking for.

The mute guy points at his crotch again and pulls out...

I remember when I found out that I was a mute.

I was upset to say the least.

How to stop a dispute between two deaf-mutes?

Turn off the light

If people that can’t see are blind, people that can’t hear are deaf, and people that can’t talk are mute, then what do you call people that can’t smell?

Covid positive

That song "everybody talks" by neon trees is offensive to mute people....

And you'll probably never hear about it.

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I watched "The Vagina Monologues" on mute but I still understood the plot

I can read lips.

Someone asked me how being mute was going for me.

Can't complain.

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

What did the blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic get for Christmas?

Cancer.

I met three men the other day - a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man, named John, Fitzgerald, and...

I don't know, he wouldn't say.

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A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...

The mute guy says

“What are you guys having to drink?”

The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him

“How come you just spoke if you’re mute?”

The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard...

How can you mute someone who’s deaf?

Turn off the lights

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(One of my dad's favourite jokes) - A mute man meets one of his mute friends

'Hello' his friend says.

The mute man is shocked, and points to indicate his friend's sudden use of speech.

'Oh yes,' the friend replies, 'I've found a fantastic doctor that helped me speak. Here, have his contact details and give him a visit'

The mute man excitedly goes to se...

What do you call a man who’s blind, deaf, mute, and paralyzed?

Probably dead.

A blind man, a deaf man and a mute were murdered.

Police said these were senseless killings.

What do you say to a mute man with no arms and no legs?

Doesn't matter what you say. He can't do anything about it.

Twitter have just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.

Ctrl + Alt + Right

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

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Papal Ailment

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the Pope...

What do mute people do at Christmas?

Carol signing.

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

A Mute Lady

A lady who was mute used to point out body parts in order to convey to the shopkeeper what she wanted.

So this once she wanted a toothbrush, so she points to her teeth. The shopkeeper quickly understands and hands her one.

This other time she wanted chicken thighs, so she shows the sho...

As far as disabilities go, being mute isn't that bad...

But I can't speak for everyone.

What console does a mute chicken have?

Ex-Bawks

A mute talks to their first stranger in Omegle

“ASL?”, the stranger replies

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

I'm gonna make a western about a mute lawman.

Quiet Earp.

Two members of the church went to pray for a woman who's infant became mute.

They knocked on the door of and the woman was clearly not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their prayers then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two church ...

Today I asked my mute friend if my jokes were bad

She said nothing, but the silence was deafening

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A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

Have you heard about the "mute joke?"

it started with a moment of silence

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A deaf-mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole at St. Andrews

He hands one of the players a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”   
  
The player, a total jerk, shakes his head no and points the deaf-mute to go back and wait his turn.
  
A few holes later, the jerk gets hit in the head by a golf ball while ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American couple is looking to adopt a child...

and for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany. There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks.

"Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Vol...

Did you hear what happened to the mute person?

Yeah, me neither

What is a mute person's favorite food?

A shushkebab.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do mute girls masturbate?

Do they use one hand for pleasure and one to moan?

What language do mute mathematicians use?

Sine language

I still remeber the day the doctor told me I was mute...

I had no words

Did you hear about the deaf man who escaped a murderous gang of mute mime artists?

Yeah, he saw them coming.

Doctor: *panic*

Disabled guy: Stands

Blind guy: “did he just stand?”

Deaf guy: “did he just see?”

Mute guy: “did he just hear?”

Two deaf-mute kids were arguing.

The mother came and turned off the light.

I can't believe they fired the mute in our office.

he was instrumental.

I just sold my car to a mute

He took it for a test drive and bought it, no questions asked.

I gave my mute classmate a blackboard to communicate...

But he still won't chalk to me.

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A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the d...

The most unpredictable things in my life happened when I was friends with a bunch of mutes

There was no telling what could happen

Mute budgie for sale

Not going cheap!

What does a mute dog and a dead tree have in common?

There’s no bark.

Did you hear about the mute couple that got married?

Can’t say I do.

A blind deaf mute was arrested for homicide last night.

It was a senseless murder

There was once a friendly mute ghost, ironically named sound.

Sound was a very social ghost so he showed up to several seances, but every time he couldn’t talk to the people who had summoned him because he was mute, but he tried desperately to communicate anyways. He would slam doors and knock over lamps and turn on and off random appliances. After all of that...

A deaf-mute man came on a Talent show.

And what is your talent?
- I can speak!

My wife left me because I'm a mute.

I had nothing to say to her.

When you insult a deaf-mute murderer in sign language

...it's a deaf-sentence.

Did I ever tell you about my mute friend?

We used to be very close, but I haven't heard from him for a while.

How do you know if an Italian person is mute?

When you see he has no hands.

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

My wife is a mute.

We're happily married.

A mute guy survived an awful car crash early this week, what a lucky man!

I mean, he lost his hands but I guess he can't complain.

What's the best part about being a mute?

It goes without saying...

Being Mute.

Being mute means never having to say you're sorry.

What do you call a mute Mexican

No taco

The mute chicken

Why did the mute chicken leave his cheating girlfriend at the side of the road.

He couldn’t give a cluck

A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman

The mute friend points to his head.

His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important."

Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand.

His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice."

Then, the mute friend opens his hand wide in front ...

A deaf-mute goes golfing

...at a country club (it's Sunday, and open to the public) and is having a pretty good game. So good, in fact, that he ends up having to wait on a member playing ahead of him.
He politely waits on the slow golfer, but eventually gets fed up with the delay. So he writes a note, and gives it to the...

How do you cure a mute coworker?

Tell them a secret

What do you call an alarm that's been muted?

Clock blocked

There was a deaf mute

who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"It's either me or your mute fuck buddy!" said my girlfriend.

I decided to keep quiet.

My Alaskan sled dog was barking but no sound came out...

It turns out he was on Mala-mute

What do deaf-mute people like about yoga pants?

They make lip-reading easier.

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paulie Walnut's Pope joke from Sopranos S5E1: cut to punchline only due to length

The Pope is sick and none of the Vatican doctors can figure it out. They summon an old wise man from the hills. He examines the Pope and says he's got a terminal case of blue balls. The only cure is for him to have sex, and the Cardinals go nuts. Finally, the Pope agrees but gives four condition...

A couple called in a contractor to do some updates to their house and landscape.

A couple called in a contractor to do some updates to their house and landscape. They all walk in to the bedroom and they tell him they were thinking about painting it blue because there's a baby boy on the way. He walks to the window and yells "Green side up!" The couple look at one another a bit c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mute

Once upon a time there was a mute, he could communicate only with sign language, he searched for a cure to his condition his whole life, until one day he met a guy and was told that he was a mute like him and got cured.

The mute asked him with passion: “What did you do?”
The ex-mute replie...

I accidentally muted the command switch on my driverless car...

...well, it goes without saying.

What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?

A Mute-ation

Why was Karl Marx against Chinese mutes?

Because he hated the Bù shuō!

A joke

A priest, a rabbi and an imam enter a bar, order a drink and finds a place to sit.
Then a construction worker, a native american and a police officer comes in and do the same thing.
And then a dane, a swede and a norwegian enters too.
Then a blind guy, a deaf guy and a mute guy.
And the...

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