UPJOKE
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Muppet Jokes

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, “the muppet from Sesame Street.”

They told me, “He doesn’t count!”

I replied, “I assure you, he does.”

What did Sadam Hussein and Little Miss Muppet have in common?

They both had Kurds in their way.

ON the French version of "Sesame Street," all the muppets turned out to say goodbye to the number zero...

It was much adieu about nothing.

If Muppets everywhere started walking and talking by themselves, that would be quite the...

Phenomena! *doot dooo doo doo do*

You know those people that watch all the muppet movies?

They’re pretty kermitted to watching them

What do you call young homeless muppets?

Sesame Street Children.

My Doctor finally managed to cure me of my obsession with the Muppets



He gave me an enema

followed by a Doo Doo do do do

How do Muppets die?

They Kermit Suicide.

If James Hetfield officiated Kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding...

He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!

How do you know when a Muppet is reaching out for help?

When they say they’re going to kermit suicide.

What do you get when you buy 13 identical Muppets?

A beakers dozen

When Fozzy the Muppet gets old what will he need to get around?

A WALKA WALKA WALKA!

What do Muppet's do after being fired over the phone?

Kermit suicide.

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Some people are just like Muppets.

They'll suddenly become full of life if you stick your arm up their butts and shake it.

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I always wondered why The Muppets had such large and wide open eyes.

I then realised that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

Why did one of the muppets go to jail?

It Kermit a crime.

While playing blackjack at my local casino, the pit boss came up to me and asked what the count was.

I replied "he's a purple Muppet with pointy teeth, but that's not important right now."

Who's the most self-centered Muppet?

Beaker. All he says is "Me Me Me."

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What do you call a Muppet with a sex addiction?

Nookie Monster

My wife said my obsession with everything Muppets had put our relationship on fragile ground.

I took her hands in mine, looked her straight in the eyes and said, “Oh sweetheart, it’s *’down in Fraggle Rock.’*”

What do you call an bunch of muppets in an emo band?

Fragile Rock

What do you call a muppet hanging itself?

Kermit-ting suicide.

What are the Muppet's views on the paranormal?

"It's a phenomena (do doo do doodoo)"

TIL the word "Muppet" is a combination of "marionette" and "puppet".

It's like how the word "mobster" is a combination of "man" and "lobster".

Of course Goldman Sachs called their clients "muppets"

Some of them ended up living in garbage cans.

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colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:



1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3....

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Did you know Metallica has a new album about the leader of Kermit’s church?

It’s called Pastor of Muppets

what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common?

they all help make a really convoluted joke.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

"Becuase you didn't cook it, you fucking muppet"
- Gordon Ramsey

When Kermit the Frogs entertainment career came to an end, he enrolled in seminary school where he was ordained

Now he's a Pastor of Muppets

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An Irishman walked down an alley in Belfast...

A thug jumped from the shadows and pointed a gun at him.

"Millie up, ya Croppy shite!" Said the thug. "I'll blast yer papist skull!"

"Bite the back o' me bullocks with that Blarney." Replied the Irishman. "I'm no Catholic, ya fookin eejit."

"Ha!" Said the thug. "Good craic! I tr...

What did Kermit the frog say when he got to the top of the hill?

A muppet

What is the difference between James Hetfield and Paula White?

One is a master of puppets, the other is a pastor of muppets.

So Jan gets a job driving a school bus.

The first day of school, Jan is given the bus she's to drive. She's driving an elementary-school route, so the inside of the bus has been decked out with Sesame Street characters; muppets pasted on every wall. Jan shrugs and gets started on her route.

The first kid is a super fat little girl...

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Mr Hetfield's dinner

So James Hetfield from Metallica walks into an Italian restaurant carrying Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Rowlf the dog under his arms. He strolls straight past the waiter, into the kitchen, and starts hacking them all to pieces with a large carving knife. He throws th...

What do you call bacon wrapped frog legs?

The Muppets

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

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