I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, “the muppet from Sesame Street.”

They told me, “He doesn’t count!”

I replied, “I assure you, he does.”

How do you know when a Muppet is reaching out for help?

When they say they’re going to kermit suicide.

If Muppets everywhere started walking and talking by themselves, that would be quite the...

Phenomena! *doot dooo doo doo do*

How do Muppets make money?

A Fonzie scheme.

How do Muppets die?

They Kermit Suicide.

What do you get when you buy 13 identical Muppets?

A beakers dozen

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I always wondered why The Muppets had such large and wide open eyes.

I then realised that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

You know those people that watch all the muppet movies?

They’re pretty kermitted to watching them

My wife said my obsession with everything Muppets had put our relationship on fragile ground.

I took her hands in mine, looked her straight in the eyes and said, “Oh sweetheart, it’s *’down in Fraggle Rock.’*”

What do Muppet's do after being fired over the phone?

Kermit suicide.

When Kermit the Frogs entertainment career came to an end, he enrolled in seminary school where he was ordained

Now he's a Pastor of Muppets

When Fozzy the Muppet gets old what will he need to get around?

A WALKA WALKA WALKA!

What do you call a muppet hanging itself?

Kermit-ting suicide.

What do you call an bunch of muppets in an emo band?

Fragile Rock

Why did one of the muppets go to jail?

It Kermit a crime.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

"Becuase you didn't cook it, you fucking muppet"
- Gordon Ramsey

what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common?

they all help make a really convoluted joke.

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What do you call a Muppet with a sex addiction?

Nookie Monster

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

TIL the word "Muppet" is a combination of "marionette" and "puppet".

It's like how the word "mobster" is a combination of "man" and "lobster".

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colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:



1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3....

What are the Muppet's views on the paranormal?

"It's a phenomena (do doo do doodoo)"

Of course Goldman Sachs called their clients "muppets"

Some of them ended up living in garbage cans.

Who's the most self-centered Muppet?

Beaker. All he says is "Me Me Me."

What did Kermit the frog say when he got to the top of the hill?

A muppet

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

He sits at the bar and orders his drink and the bartender brings it to him.

While hes sipping on his drink the bartender says, “hey, mac, i gotta ask...whats with the octopus?”

The man says, “oh this? This is no ordinary octopus, this is a musical genius octopus!”

Skeptical, th...

If Lars Ulrich of Metallica provided religious support to Kermit and his friends

He'd be a pastor of muppets

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Paddy and Seamus want to go for a pint of Guinness but...

They're skint.
They empty their pockets and pool what money they have between them, a total of £5.

"Ahh, feck... not even enough for one." laments Paddy.
Suddenly Seamus, looking across the road at the butcher's shop, gets an idea.
"Tell ya what Paddy.... give me the money and I'll ...

So Jan gets a job driving a school bus.

The first day of school, Jan is given the bus she's to drive. She's driving an elementary-school route, so the inside of the bus has been decked out with Sesame Street characters; muppets pasted on every wall. Jan shrugs and gets started on her route.

The first kid is a super fat little girl...

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An Irishman walked down an alley in Belfast...

A thug jumped from the shadows and pointed a gun at him.

"Millie up, ya Croppy shite!" Said the thug. "I'll blast yer papist skull!"

"Bite the back o' me bullocks with that Blarney." Replied the Irishman. "I'm no Catholic, ya fookin eejit."

"Ha!" Said the thug. "Good craic! I tr...

What do you call bacon wrapped frog legs?

The Muppets

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