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Bitten Jokes

Chuck Norris once got bitten by a snake.

After days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died.

My house was bitten by a werewolf.

Now, in the light of the full moon, it becomes a werehouse. Not evil or anything, just more storage space..

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

What does a vegan say after they are bitten by a zombie?

*Graaiiiins*

Did you hear about the superhero who was bitten by a radioactive lawyer?

He got the power of attorney.

My epileptic wife was bitten by a snake.

Now she's having a hissyfit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

My best friend said his junk was bitten by a black widow last night.

He told me she was in her early 40's.

What does an old person turn into when bitten by Dracula?

A Grampire.

I didn’t like getting bitten by a wood tick

but it grew on me.

Putin has bitten over too much and is choking.

At first he thinks it might be Russian Beef Stronganoff, but that is clearly wrong. Then he thinks it might have been the chicken Kiev. Then he realizes - there was never any chicken Kiev.

I was bitten by a nonbinary vampire last night...

They came from Trans-Sylvania.

After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp.

Turns out it was a cagey bee.

doctor: you've been bitten by a radioactive shark me: so i'm gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs...

me: just like a shark.

Zombie got bitten by a theoretical physicist

Now he goes around saying: "Branes, branes, branes..."

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

Last year I was bitten by a radioactive bed. And now...

I am the Lazyman!

Me: I got bitten in the park by a huge dog

Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

What did Hagrid say to Harry after he was bitten by Lupin?

Yer a hairy wizard

I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing "Nessun Dorma"

I think I might have male-aria.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend was bitten by a Great White at the beach.

Well, he used the term "Superior Aryan," but either way he was one crazy ass skinhead.

I was once bitten by a rabid female deer.

Now, every time there's a full moon, I turn into a weredoe.

When I get bitten by insects, one part of my brain is like “be smart, leave it alone”. The other part is like…

“Scratch that”

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday

She's fine. But, the dog died

Yesterday I was bitten by an autistic kid

and it gave me a vaccine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets bitten by a black widow

A man gets bitten by a black widow spider and he dies. When he arrives in Heaven, he meets God. He asks God, “God, there is something I just don’t understand. What is the purpose of making something so small, so powerful?” God replied, “I never saw you complain about your brain or your penis!”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets bitten by a poisonous snake..

A man and his friend is walking in the desert when suddenly his friend is bit by a poisonous snake directly in the penis. The man says to his friend, "Don't worry I'll run into town and get help, I'll be right back!"


The man gets into town and finds the local doctor and asks "My friend wa...

Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Me: Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Friend: Spider-man?

Me: >!No...dead man.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got bitten by a mosquito last night

I bet that little bastard is really hungover now!

I was bitten by a Hasidic Jew.

The doctor in the E/R gave me Rabbi shots.

What do you call a dog bitten by a vampire?

A bloodhound.

The best way to avoid getting bitten by a black widow...

...is not wearing a red tie to her Crip husband's funeral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

The first hunter tries to call for help, but he has no service so he climbs up a high tree while his friend waits for him in agony at the bottom. Almost at the top, he finally gets a signal on his phone ...

I got bitten by a werewolf and I'm turning into one myself.

I think I'm lycan it so far.

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

One day Joaquin Phoenix will be bitten by a zombie...

...and he will be called the Joaquin Dead

I was bitten by a mosquito today.

It sucked.

Little known fact: Billy Joel's song "Piano Man"

Is about a man who was bitten by a radioactive piano.

There was a movie about a Mexican girl that was bitten by a radioactive salmon..

and of course she gained superpowers and became Salmon Ella.



The movie did great in Mexico, but unfortunately just made American audiences sick.

Two men are walking down the street when a dog that's foaming at the mouth viciously bites one of them, then runs off...

"Oh my god!" cries the other man. "That dog must have rabies!"

"Rabies?" says the bitten man. Looking frightened and shaky, he takes a notepad and a pen out of his pocket and starts to scribble something down.

"Wait!" says his friend, "We can get you tested and vaccinated for rabies i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

Why hasn't any lawyer ever been bitten by a shark?

Professional courtesy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are camping when...

Hello everybody. I am transalting this joke from my native language so
1 Sorry for any grammar error
2 I hope it s a new one for some of you

Two friends are camping in the mountains.
They are relaxing, walking into the nature, breathing fr...

Everyone talks about Peter Parker because he was lucky enough to get bitten by the cool kind of radioactive spider...

My buddy Dave got bit by a radioactive brown recluse, and he just turned into a shut in.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Did you hear about the man who had his whole left side bitten off by a shark?

He's all right now.

did you hear about the time they strapped a Timex watch on an old, flea-bitten dog to see what would happen?

The watch kept ticking, the ticks kept watching.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid goes to the shops with his mum...

A kid goes to the shops with his mum.  He has always wondered about the female anatomy,  so he peers under the skirt of a mannequin. But unfortunately,  his mum sees him doing it.  


Whack! She smacks him over the head.  


"What are you doing,  you dirty little boy? There's nothi...

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two archeologists are taking a piss

Two archeologists are out taking a piss in a remote area when a snake hidden in the grass bites the first one on the tip of his cock.

Archeologist 1 : I got bitten on the tip of my cock by a snake with yellow and blue rings

Archeologist 2 : that sounds pretty bad and there is no hospit...

Solid Old-Time Joke

Priest is walking through his parish, one of the hard-bitten sections of town. Pretty woman on the corner calls out to him, "Head, 10 bucks." He smiles politely, walks on, ruminates.

When he gets back to the cathedral he's still thinking it over. Walking through the garden, he comes upon one ...

Cowboy Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."


"Well, ...

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