UPJOKE
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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed.

"What have we here?"
"It's not mine officer."
He scoffs.
"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me...

(Not repost, searched and checked) "I no longer waste money on Diablo Immortal, I save it for the important things in life"

Like when I have to donate to my future wife on Twitch.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

I searched Google for a lighter . . .

But all I found was 96k matches .

The underwear making company, *Jockey* was having a tough time with stock theft.On departure for home, all workers' bags were searched and everything always seemed OK. All security measures you can think of were put in place...

Auditors were called in but still no one was caught and stock continued to disappear.

All workers, including management were checked on departure and no one was caught with more than one pair.

Then....
One day, the Auditor advised security to *check all workers on their arrival..*...

The Irish Smuggler

There was a man who would cycle across the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland every single day without fail carrying nothing but the clothes on his back.
The border guards stopped him every day, patted him down, searched his bike, deep thorough searches and never found ...

I looked at my friends browser history and saw that he searched 'How to kill myself'

I still don't know what drove him to the Edge

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

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Do you know where the phrase "You've got to be shitting me!" came from?

When General George Washington was crossing the Delaware it was cold, foggy and ice all around. They had several boats and only one light. Captain Peters was at the bow of the boat with this light when it struck some ice and he tumbled into the river. They searched and searched for him but never cou...

Rudy Giuliani house was searched

So federal investigators searched Giuliano's house today. I thought they would find hair dye, but they didn't. I guess it ran.

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

I searched up "rock music" on the interwebs the other day and got nothing.

I suppose it's because rocks don't usually sing.

I went to an adult website and searched for good Christian content.

Turns out it was all missionaries.

I searched a list of 10 puns to make me laugh.

No pun in ten did

What's the most searched word on Bing?

Google

I searched Google images for examples of Rorschach tests...

But all I found were pictures of my dad hitting me.

A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure...

...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

I searched for "teen amateur takes on BBC"

It was pretty good, both reporters stuck to the facts.


*Ziiip*

What is the most commonly searched term on Internet Explorer?

Google Chrome.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

Two Ghosts Walk Into A Bar

Ghost 1: Hey bro, you new here?


Ghost 2: Yeah.


Ghost 1: So, how did you die?


Ghost 2: I got locked in a fridge. At first I was still fine, but then I slowly suffocated and froze to death.


Ghost 1: Damn that's terrible. Sorry to hear that.


Ghost ...

Teacher arrested on airplane after bag was searched

A protractor, a ruler, a calculator, and a book of graph paper. He was charged with possessing implements of math instruction

Hitman kills cheating wife

I heard this one a long time ago.

A man tired of his cheating wife and wants to have her killed. He asked some of his friends and his and as soon referred to a local hitman named Artie.

The man meets Artie in a local bar and tells him that his wife is cheating on him and he wants her w...

I searched eBay for lighters

But it only showed me 16,277 matches.

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Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

I've just searched for half an hour to see if the joke I was going to post was a repost

It wasn't, so I'm going to have to think of another one.

I've searched high and low for my brother's killer

but nobody is willing to do it.

I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe the term "Overwatch" was searched more than "anal" last year on PornHub...

What is this world cumming to?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure.

He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure ...

A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

Searched for 'worlds best joke' and got this...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold yo...

I just searched google for 'Lost Medieval Servant Boy'

"Page Not Found"

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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

"Tell me about the day you died."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was hav...

I searched Google for "How to cheat on my girlfriend."

The first result was "I hope you used the left hand to type that."

On my first day working for TSA we searched a neat, sandwich shaped suitcase.

It was jam packed.

Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people.

After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibacy (searched but didn't find...)

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He the...

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