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Mm Jokes

The discriminatory ant colony banished all ants over 4 mm tall

They had no taller ants

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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A guy with 9 mm pistol in both his hand walked into a bar....

*guy: "So I got 9 in the clip and 1 in the chamber, who is the son of a bitch that is fucking my wife??!!!"

*guy in the back: "you gonna need more ammo than that"

Megametres are definitely the tastiest unit of measurement.

Mm

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

How many mm^3 of dirt is there in a hole 1m x 1m x 1m?

There is no dirt in the hole!

So I met a girl last night and we got talking. She asked me what my perfect date would be.

I said DD/MM/YYYY, anything else is just wrong.

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Job Interview

I went in for an interview and was asked "Do you have any special skills?"

I said "I perform under pressure well"

He replied "Can you give me an example?"

I started "Mm ba ba de, Um bum ba de, Um bu bu bum da de."

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Phone sex is getting tougher and tougher

Esp when they removed 3.5 mm headphone jack .

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One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class.

First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.
"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"

"Zero Ha...

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Two Republicans are at a bar

The first Republican says, "You know who I really like? I know she's a Democrat, but that Tulsi Gabbard is hot. Mm-mm-mm."

And the second one says, "She is, but she's got nothing on Ivanka. Beautiful face, gorgeous body, great big perfect tits. I'd fuck her. Would you fuck her?"

And th...

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

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When the 16 years old daughter comes home high as fuck...

...and crushes in the couch next to her father, and smells like good weed, the father becomes suspicious and looks in her eyes, not knowing what to say, he asks her:

Ahmmm mm what did you do all day, the squirrels told me you smoked weed, is it true??

The daughter answers: aaa mmm yeah...

Duct tape;

turning "no-no-no" into "mm-mm-mm" since 1942.

John is drinking a cup of coffee.

Man: Why are you drinking so much coffee John?

John: do you know why my grandfather lived to his late nineties.

Man: mm, cuz he used to drink lots of coffee.

John: no, cuz he used to mind his own damn business.

What’s the perfect date?

DD-MM-YYYY is the most logical to me

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They called my dick "The Gun"

12 mm

A girl and her boyfriend go to the hospital...

The girl goes in to the hospital to donate plasma. The boyfriend goes in to donate sperm.

Once they're finished, they get back together and discuss their profits. The girl says, "I got $30 to donate some plasma." The boyfriend then says to her, "I got $125 to donate sperm." Enraged, the girl ...

What is the best thing about duct tape?

It turns no no no into mm mm mmmm.

If iPhone user started getting on your nerves

Just ignore them by plugging your earbuds into the 3.5 mm jack of your phone.

Once upon a time, there was a happy family with 3 kids: Snowflake, Sandgrain, and Brick

One day, Snowflake went up to his mother and asked:

“Mommy! Why is my name Snowflake?”

“Well you see, when you were born, a little snowflake landed on your head. So we decided to name you after it.” She replied.

A couple days later, Sandgrain went up to his mother and asked:
...

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The kinky jungle king orders fellow animals to an orgy party. (NSFW)

The kinky jungle king addressed his animal kingdom “Tomorrow is our annual sex orgy party. Participation is mandatory and I trust each one of you to make it hot if you want to survive under my rule.”

The kickoff of the much anticipated party finally arrived. The lion started his inspection wa...

I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!

After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"

An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".

After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.

"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.

"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."

The granddaughter nods "mm-...

So my software came in today ...

My mom asked if it was the curtains she ordered.

I opened the box and turned around.

"Nope, just my Windows."

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Toothbrush (Long)

3 men apply for a sales job at toothbrush company. The first day the manger send them out for their first try at selling toothbrushes.
At the end of the day they come back and report in:
Manager, “how many did you sell?
First guy, “I sold 42.”
Manager, “Not bad”
Second guy, “I sold 86...

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Too much cock..

A man goes to a doctor claiming his speech impediment is effecting his life, no one will hire him, no females will talk to him, no one wants to be his friend because of the way he talks and something needs to be done. The doctor curiously looks into the situation.
“Turns out your penis is to...

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My favorite medical joke

A radiologist, internist, surgeon and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time together. Huddled in their duck blind, they see their first bird in the distance take flight but don’t want to shoot something not in season. They quickly debate the best way to assure it’s truly a duck.

...

An Indian walks into a brothel...

...and says to the madam, "Me want woman." The madam looks him over and says, "Well, have you ever been with a woman before?" The Indian says, "Mmm, no." So the madam decides to help him out.

"Alright," she says, "if you go just outside here, turn left, follow this street down for 4 blocks...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

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