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Centimeters Jokes

Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters?

Because then it would be .3048 Meters.

Some jokes just don't translate well.

A passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologize...

A few centimeters...

3 Kings were having a feast a long time ago. After the feast, they sat down to boast about their kingdoms.

The first one said, "In my kingdom, we've progressed so far that we have touched the top of the sky."

"The very top?!" asked the other two, astonished. "Not exactly the top, we m...

A friend of mine sent me a ruler exactly 30.48 centimeters long

That's when I realized, something was afoot

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Do you know the story about the salmon in the mountain lake?

Imagine. A snow topped mountain, evergreen forests, clear blue skies, a beautiful lake reflecting the light of the sun.



Well in that lake, there was a salmon. Above the salmon a fly was buzzing around.


The salmon thinks: "if that fly flies ten centimeters lower, I can catc...

What is the difference between "Ooooh" and "Aaaah"?

10 centimeters.

What do you call a conversion from centimeters to inches?

an erection

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Fucking Canadians

Give them an inch.

They’ll take 2.54 centimeters.

A Spanish greengrocer is 1.74 meters tall, has a waist circumference of 105 centimeters, and wears a size of 44. What does he weigh?

Vegetables

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

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a hung man asks his friend for advice

There is a man with a huge penis, 50 centimeters. He talks to his friend about the struggles he has with his big penis and that his wife would love him to have a smaller penis, as it hurts so much when they have sex.

The friend tells him there is an old lady living at the end of a near forest...

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So there was this guy who...

... Had a 50 centimeter long penis and couldn't get a woman because it was just too much for them. So he goes to a witch who tells him to go in the forest and talk to a magical frog. Whenever the frog would answer a question with a "no" his penis would shrink 10 centimeters.

He finds the frog...

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Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

What is the common trait between men and snow?

You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last.

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A man gets pulled over for speeding

The cop says: "You were going 55 mph in a 30 zone"

The man says: "Sorry sir, but i'm late for work."

Cop asks: "What kind of work do you do?"

Man replies: "I work in a penis enlargment factory."

Cop asks: "Really? How does that work?"

Man: You just stretch out a c...

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So I recently met this really cute girl at a bar....

And I asked her what she expected from a guy she'd be willing to sleep with.

She said: "You're gonna need a Porsche in your garage, a swimming pool in your backyard, 25k a month in your bank and a 25 centimeter penis..."

I told her: "I've got my Cayenne in the garage, a huge swimming p...

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box.

The bartender is quite curious and asks the man what’s inside.

“I’ll show you if you get me a beer”, the man says.

The bartender accepts the deal and gets the guest a beer. He then opens the box and takes out a ...

A journalist was visiting a completely isolated tribe for a documentary...

As she was leaving, she asks her translator to tell their leader that she had a great time, but needed to go now.

the leader seems to be sad, and her translator explains what he said: "he doesn't want you to leave, he really likes your company."

she apologizes, but insists she has to l...

Mass Extinction

The Lunar Laser Ranging experiment has shown that the moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of about two centimeters a year. If you perform a regression you'd find that 65 million years ago, the moon must have been orbiting the earth at a height of about 20ft, which, if you think about it, ex...

What is the difference between "ooo" and "aaa"?

About three centimeters.

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A couple who lived together decided to separate after getting into a fight

They had two donkeys. So the man said: “okay we’ll split them. Each gets one. To tell them apart I’ll cut a piece of mines ear. That one is mine. The other ones yours”
So they do. Their neighbor, who didn’t like them much decided he’d go to the woman’s donkey and cut of its ear so they won’t be ...

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

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First "Contact"

In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits. They eventua...

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the squirrel

Two hunters were walking in the forest, with the intention of killing some squirrels. When they see one, one of the hunters shoot at it, and misses by mere centimeters. The squirrel is so scared that it faints. At the same time that the two men approach it, they hear two forest guards coming their w...

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LAWS FOR ENGINEERS

Engineering is a science that runs on the laws of physics. We have all studied these laws in our formal education. There are other laws that are equally powerful, however. These are found through experience in the classroom of applied technology. Here is a summary of the laws of physics for your ent...

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