UPJOKE
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Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

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A guy is sitting in a bar looking downcast

His friend says, "What's the matter, Sammy?"

Sammy says, "Well, it's pretty bad. My wife just cut me down to sex once a month."

"Wow. That's awful, but don't feel bad. I know guys she's cut out all together."

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

Light a Candle

Mrs. Murphy was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Brennan.
The father said, "Aren't ye Mrs. Murphy, and didn't I marry ye and yer man two years ago?"
"Aye, that ye did, father," she replied.
Father Brennan asked, "and be there any wee little ones yet?"
"...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots...

Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness.

"Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks.

"Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mi...

Trump and Putin...

...get cryogenically frozen after their respective deaths, and are re-woken 200 years later.

They decide to take a walk through the city together. Suddenly, Putin stops and bursts out laughing, pointing at the headline at a newsstand: "USA in worst financial crisis in history"

They...

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates..

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants a...

A man and his boss are playing golf...

one weekend when a funeral procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he say...

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Little Johnny

Teacher was asking her students to talk about their fathers and their careers one day.

"My daddy is a fireman!" Jane proudly boasted.
"Mine is a policeman, he catches bad guys!" Said Jack with pride.

It came around to Little Johnny, who looked downcast and was very quiet, very ou...

A sick old man is lying on a hospital bed when his doctor walks into the room

"I have some bad news..." he began. "We've run some tests, and we think you may have both Alzheimer's *and* cancer..."

The old man looked downcast and sighed. "Well," he said, "at least I don't have Alzheimer's."

After the flood, Noah tells the animals from the Arc to "go forth and multiply."

After a few months, Noah figures he better wander around and see how the animals are doing. Everybody is happy until he comes across a couple of snakes - they are quite downcast and not very happy. Noah asks what wrong, and they say "We are Adders, so we can't multiply!"

Noah rubs his chin fo...

Religious smoking joke

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were friends. They were both smokers who found it difficult to pray for a long period of time without having a cigarette. They decided to go to their superiors and ask for permission to smoke.

 

When they met again, the Franciscan was downcast. “I ask...

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A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

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The UFO landed in the trailer park...

...in front of Mr. and Mrs. Willfart, relaxing in their lawn chairs. They all started talking about their cultural differences etc. until they came to sex. Offering to swap "wives", the woman was lead off by the male alien. After starting, the alien asked "Is it good?". Mrs. Willfart replies "I ...

What does she have that I don't?

An elderly woman is living out her golden years in a retirement home. One day she spots a newcomer at BINGO. He's a dashing gentleman of about her age and though she's rather a prude she can't help but be flattered when he flirts a little with her. And though she's not sure that it's the godly thing...

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