Crushed Jokes - 42 Hilarious Crushed Jokes

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

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Crushed Scrotum

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was...

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

The stock market is getting crushed

My calculations indicate I can retire 10 years after I die

Police were called in to investigate a dead librarian found crushed under a ton of books

Despite initial suspicion of foul play, the officers analyzed the poor construction of the room and determined that the librarian had only his shelf to blame.

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

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My feline died after being crushed during a cute butt contest

It was a cat ass trophy.

Man crushed by pile of old books

His wife said he only had his shelf to blame

As I crushed the painkillers...

As I crushed the painkillers and poured them into a glass of vodka, I looked at a picture of my wife. "We'll be together soon, my darling..." I said.

"Did you say something?" my wife asked from the next room.

"I'm on the phone to your sister," I said. "Your drink is ready by the way."

Turns out the archeologist's assistant wasn't actually crushed by a giant fresco.

It was a big relief

I confessed to my best friend that I discovered my wife sleeping with another man in our bed. I was crushed.....

"So, what did you do?" he asked. "I told them to get the heck off me and out of the bed."

when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch

I was devastated to hear that someone in my town was crushed under a skid of Canada Dry today.

Now i guess we're both soda pressed.

Why did the crushed Pepsi kill himself

He was soda pressed

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"

My family was furious at me for not worrying about my cousin who got the left side of his body crushed by a boulder.

I knew he’d be all right.

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered

Crushed...

Crush: A feeling of love and admiration for someone, often someone you know you cannot have a relationship with.

Crush: Deform, pulverize, or force inwards by compressing forcefully.

::-Very much same

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have a Campari," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for...

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

A balcony fell in the Ukrainian city and crushed a man.

There’s a big crowd next to the corpse. Old women is crying:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, he was so young!...”

Someone from the crowd:

“Calm down grandma, he was russian.”

The women continues:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, there are so many god...

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

NASA has said that an engineers pet was crushed during Mars Rover testing

Turns out Curiosity did kill the cat.

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips

Why was the man who crushed recycled pop cans for a living sad with his life?

Because his job was soda pressing.

Did you hear about that guy who was crushed by his Honda?

Police say he died of his own Accord.

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

What do you call a child that has been crushed by a piano?

A flat minor

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one day a soda can got crushed

The next day it went to his therapist and said I'm sodapressed

My next door neighbour is a ice cream man, he went missing and we eventually found him in the back of his van covered in sprinkles, caramel, crushed oreos and chocolate flakes

Apparently he topped himself!

A plane crushed on top of a cemetery

In the evening news:
So far they found 255 body... but they continue the digging.

What do you call an astronaut who is crushed in space?

Space Jam

Two tomatoes were crossing the road as one got crushed by a car

The other tomato said ”Come on, ketchup!”

I used to work at a place where they crushed down soda cans after they were used.

I had to quit though, because it was just

*soda pressing*

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

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My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

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