As I crushed the painkillers...

As I crushed the painkillers and poured them into a glass of vodka, I looked at a picture of my wife. "We'll be together soon, my darling..." I said.

"Did you say something?" my wife asked from the next room.

"I'm on the phone to your sister," I said. "Your drink is ready by the way."

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit."

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

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During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to be prayed for.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused ...

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

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My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

Why did the crushed Pepsi kill himself

He was soda pressed

My friend was recently crushed to death under a huge pile of books.

He's got only his shelf to blame

At an Irish wedding reception

the D.J. yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was almost crushed..

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A motorcyclist and a sparrow

A motorcyclist was driving along a highway when suddenly a sparrow hit his helmet when trying to fly across. The motorcyclist struggled to control his motorcycle and almost crushed but eventually he managed to stop. Nearby he noticed the sparrow that looked dead but after an examination it turned ou...

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3 Guys Appear at the Gates of Heaven suddenly!

St Peter is Surprised and asked the first guy how he got here. " I had come home from a horrible day at work only to find my wife in bed naked and cheating on me with another man. However I searched everywhere and I got so angry I picked up the fridge, chucked it out the window and then had a heart ...

when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

An optimist and a pessimist were riding a bus together when the optimist got hungry.

"Let's stop at the next restaurant," said the optimist. "Then we can take the next bus and continue our journey."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said the pessimist. "It could cause something bad to happen."

"Or it could cause something good to happen," replied the optimist, "and b...

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

What's the difference between a Coral Reef and Tienenman Square?

One's full of crustaceans and one's full of crushed Asians.

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on...

I would be crushed by dimes and have no idea why.

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

A balcony fell in the Ukrainian city and crushed a man.

There’s a big crowd next to the corpse. Old women is crying:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, he was so young!...”

Someone from the crowd:

“Calm down grandma, he was russian.”

The women continues:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, there are so many god...

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

What do you call a child that has been crushed by a piano?

A flat minor

I used to work at a place where they crushed down soda cans after they were used.

I had to quit though, because it was just

*soda pressing*

What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Why was the man who crushed recycled pop cans for a living sad with his life?

Because his job was soda pressing.

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

Did you hear about that guy who was crushed by his Honda?

Police say he died of his own Accord.

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