Juda Jokes - 52 Hilarious Juda Jokes

Judas: Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper?

Jesus: the what?

Judas: the supper…I mean are you coming to the supper?

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Judas: the one I bestow with a kiss is the christ

Roman soldier: can't you like... point at him or something?

Judas (putting on lipstick): I don't tell you how to do your job!

Judas: Still on for friday?

"Jesus: friday?"

"Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper."

"Jesus: The what?"

"Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas."

Easter - Shout out to Judas for the long weekend!

I hadn’t heard this before - a punchline 2000 years in the making…

If Judas Iscariot were an IT Engineer...

He would have been an AdminisTraitor.

Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?

Cause he likes stabbing things in the back.

Jesus is setting up for supper and he calls Judas

over to help. "Judas, please set the table. " Judas complies and sets the table. "Judas, put the food on the table." Judas places the food on the table. "Judas, please call everyone to the table. " Again, he does as he is told and gathers everyone.

As they are enjoying the feast Jesus plann...

Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

What came before Judas?

Prejudas.

What was Judas’s favorite gun?

A nail gun

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Jesus meets Judas after the Resurrection: A Bible Story

After returning from the dead following his betrayal and crucifixion the first thing Jesus did was seek out Judas. Upon finding the distraught Judas contemplating how he'd use the fifty pieces of silver he received for his treachery Jesus said,

"Look man no hard feelings I know this disciple ...

I like to yard work listening to Judas Priest...

......singing at the top of my lungs: RAKING THE LAWN RAKING THE LAWN!

Jesus is watching

A burglar enters a house and hears: "Jesus is watching you"
He tells himself that's just his imagination

After a while again: "Jesus is watching you"
He decides to investigate the voice

He hears again: "Jesus is watching you"

He enters the room from where it's coming and ...

Jesus at Last Supper

\*break bread\* This is my body

\*pours wine\* This is my blood

\*open jar of mayo\*

Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

"Jesus is watching you!"

A thief breaks into a house at around 3 AM. As he's walking about in the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice whisper,

*"Jesus is watching you!"*

Startled, he points his flashlight towards the source of the voice. In the corner of the room, there's a birdcage with a parrot in it...

Jesus is hanging on the cross...

He sees Judas in the crowd and calls for him. Judas hears and walks toward Jesus. The guards tell Judas he cannot pass, so he walks back into the crowd. Moments later Jesus calls for him again, so Judas tries to push his way through the guards. They beat him and push him back into the crowd. Moments...

Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant...

Matthew asks for a table for 26. The server says " But there is only 13 of you" Paul says "But we all want to sit on the same side of the table."

Then the group skips out early leaving Judas with the bill.

"Jusus Christ man, where am I going to find 30 pieces of silver

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

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Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck...

They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," sa...

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A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

A man was really struggling so he decides to open a Bible to random page and drop his finger on a verse and do whatever it says.

The verse his finger landed on was Matthew 27:5 “than Judas hanged himself”

The man thought “that’s not right, let me try again” and does the same thing, this time landing on Luke 10:37 “Jesus told him ‘go and do likewise’”

Again the man thought it wasn’t right and so he did it one l...

"What time are we getting together for the last supper, Jesus?"

"Oh, hey, Judas. Come over about thr...wait, *last* supper?"

"Yeah, no, like, supper. When's supper?"

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Jesus sits down one day and considers the high rate of drug abuse that will follow long after his time on earth.

He thinks it is a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sends his apostles out to see what drugs they can find.

A couple of days later Jesus hears a knock at the door. “Who is it?”. “Paul.”Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Paul?”. “Hashish f...

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Jesus arrives at the last supper...

...he walks in and sees a mad party - alcohol, hookers, tables bending under the weight of the food and music thumping. He asks Peter: "what the fuck, Pete?! This was supposed to be a humble going-away dinner; where did you get the cash for all this?!" Peter replies: "I don't know; Judas sold someth...

Of all kitchen utensils,

why did Judas choose to be tray?

Jesus decides to give the apostles a bunch of gifts...

Jesus: Each one of you grab a piece of rock.

*everyone each grabbed the biggest rock they can find and rolled it back to Jesus, except for Judas who was so lazy that he just picked up a pebble.

Jesus: I shall now turn those into gold for you to keep. Now go get another piece of rock....

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

My wife and I wanted to follow tradition and give our children respectable names from the Bible...

Our boys Cain, Lucifer, and Judas are truly a blessing.

After the resurrection from the dead, Jesus appeared to his disciples.

Jesus said: *"Peace be with you",*

and the disciples rejoiced. Simon stepped forward, troubled expression on his face and said: *"Jesus, was it me who betrayed you?"*

Jesus smiled and answered: *"No Simon, you did not betray me."*

Then John stepped forward and asked the same que...

Jesus is preparing for the Last Supper...

Jesus: Judas, I need you to go to each and every one of my disciples and tell them to meet me here for supper. Also, stop by the market and get some fish, vegetables, and a dessert. When you've come back and are done cooking, set up the table and our best plates.

Later that evening, while ev...

Jesus sees that planet earth is going to Hell in a hand basket because too many people are using something called drugs...

He wishes to know about this, so he calls His Apostles and tells them that they all have to go down to Earth to see for themselves what is going on and then come back to Heaven and report back to Him.

The Apostles go to different places on Earth and after some time, they come back to report w...

The LAST Last Supper

On the eve of his crucifixion, Christ gathered his disciples for a final meal.

As he broke bread, Christ turned to the table and said, "On this night, one of you shall betray me."

There is a panicked murmur among the disciples.

Finally Peter steps forward. "Is it I, Lord? Am I ...

At the last supper, Jesus stands up and tells the apostles "One of you is going to betray me."

Peter stands up with a worried look on his face, "Is it me, oh lord?"

Jesus says, "No, Peter. It's not you."

John stands next. "Is it me, oh lord?"

Jesus replies, "No John, it's not you."

Then Judas stands up. "Is it me, oh lord?" He asks.

Jesus says, "iS iT mE, oH...

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A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.
...

Saint Peter and God are talking about today's teenagers

Saint Peter and God are talking about today's teenagers.

God says "Today all teenagers use drugs"

"You're right" replies Peter "I will now go on earth to see if really all teenagers use them"

After a bit Peter returns and tells God that the teens are coming. Few seconds later so...

Jesus meets the disciples at the table...

...and he sees a massive spread of Chinese takeaway dishes laid out in front of them.

"Where did all this food come from?" Jesus asks.

Matthew replies "This was ordered by Judas, apparently he came into a load of money recently."

The apostles are at the last supper...

Jesus is eating like a slob and spilling wine everywhere and Judas says to him "Were you born in a barn?"

I'm painting a still life version of The Last Supper with all the apostles as vegetables

Judas is carrot.

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Heaven meeting year 2015

Every year in heaven jesus and the apostles gather up for a meeting to discuss about earth's problems.
The theme of the year is.. Drugs, they discuss about it for a while with no succes
and then it comes clear: they don't know the subject enought to fix it...

So Jesus tell his apostle t...

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?...

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Concerned about the rising drug problems on Earth

Jesus decides to send some of his disciples back to Earth to obtain some drugs so that they would better understand how to help mankind.

After 3 days they begin to return.

There is a soft knock on the side door at Jesus' pad. "Open up, man, it's Matthew."
The door opens just a cra...

What kind of music did Jesus hate?

Anything by Judas Priest and Nine Inch Nails.

The Last Supper

The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever...

Jesus called a meeting of the disciples in Heaven...

...When they all arrive he mentions that there is a massive drug problem on Earth and they need to find a way to rid the world of it. He suggests that they all go down to Earth, all over, and bring back samples of different drugs so they can examine them and figure out the best way to rid the world...

Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest

He *hated* the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.

Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions, and he...

A man is looking for inspiration,...

...and decides to open up his Bible to a random passage. He found the passage in which Judas hung himself. "Well, that's no good," the man said to himself, "I'll try again." He then turned to a passage that read, "Go and do likewise."

Jesus at the last supper

Jesus sits at the Last Supper, beginning to serve his guests.

First, he hands a basket of bread to go around, "These represent my body, and the pain I shall endure for my people."

Next, he begins pouring everyone wine, "This represents my blood, and how I am part of everyone."
...

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Jesus and his disciples are sat around the Last Supper table...

Jesus and his disciples are sat around the Last Supper table. They're all talking and debating when suddenly Jesus stands up from the table.

A hush falls across the room.

Jesus looks around, picks up a goblet of wine and says, ''This is my blood, take it and drink it''.

So he pa...

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A note to a priest (Long).

A young priest was about to lead his first mass. Because he was nervous, the bishop told him to put a bit of vodka in the wine and drink a bit before the mass. The priest did that.

Then his memory shuts out, and after a few hours, he wakes up with a note saying:

"My son, I have a few ...

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