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Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking

An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the F...

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

To everybody that takes black jokes so seriously...

Maybe you should lighten up a little.

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...

It’s probably best to steer clear of saying, “oh honey, lighten up.”

What did the flashlight say to the darkness?

**"Lighten up."**

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WTF? Anal bleaching !

Normally I'd be against such a thing, but some assholes just need to lighten up.

My wife hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

A man has been building a submarine for many years

After he is finally finished with it, he shows it to his friends, who start laughing.

"That submarine looks hideous" said the first friend

"Yeah, the interior looks even worse" says the second

The man, still feeling confident in his build, decides that he is going to redecorate...

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

Extra: Aussie man reprimanded by judge for eating candy and nuts in her courtroom.

Defense: "c'mon Judy, lighten up.. it's just my trial mix"

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I was at the principals office today.

Mom: Why?

Me: I threw a lamp at the depressed kid and told him to lighten up.

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I see people disliking black hole

If it was bleached then maybe they would like it

Then again, some ass holes need to lighten up

A black friend of mine...

...said he's thinking of bleaching his skin. Said our society is tilted in favor of the white man. He's tired of being downtrodden. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I told him to lighten up.

Why did 2pac go to the gym?

So he could become 8pac.


To clarify, my 11 year old niece told me this. Thought this sub needed to lighten up a bit.

A priest wants to know how he can become a better priest..

.. so he asks the bishop. The bishop had only two points to make.


"Eat healthy and exorcise daily"


(Just thought of this on the can, is there any ways I can improve on it? Or do you know of any similar jokes to lighten up my day?)

I've never understood people who don't drink because it's "bad for you"

Honestly, I think they should lighten up and liver little.

Topical Jokes (5/20)

Welcome back, everybody! We've got some more news and, thus, more jokes. Let's get started.

Right off the bat, more on President Obama. Following a week of scandals, President Obama played golf with Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. Things got a little tense when Obama had IRS agents audit...

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