I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

Three Guys are on an private jet when the pilot says they need to lighten their load.

They all agree to drop one item each. The first man drops an empty briefcase, the second man drops a beach towel, and the third man drops a live grenade. The flight continues as normal and the three men decide to visit the area where they dropped their items to see if any damage was done.

Soo...

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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My smart ass mouth always gets me in trouble.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who was a dwarf, approached
aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered,
"OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?" ...

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

Did you hear about the lightening bug that ran into the bug zapper?

He was delighted.

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A man, tired of being cheated on, makes a resolution that he would only marry a girl who doesn’t even know what a penis is.

He begins his search for the ultimate soulmate from his village. He sees a girl standing near a field, says “Pardon me but...” whips out his penis and asks, “do you know what this is?” “A penis” she responds and the man leaves the scene.

Unable to find anyone in his village after tens of tri...

So a comedian's wife is giving birth, So he starts telling jokes to lighten the mood,

This goes on for a while, and all the nurses start to relax,

Then the doctor says, "I don't know about that, but your delivery was a bit forced"

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

I wake up happy, slowly get angrier, then eventually start lightening up and by bedtime I've come full circle and am happy one again

I've got pi-polar disorder

Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood.

By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

What does a cow think when it sees another cow get struck by lightening?

Moo

When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...

It’s probably best to steer clear of saying, “oh honey, lighten up.”

A man has been building a submarine for many years

After he is finally finished with it, he shows it to his friends, who start laughing.

"That submarine looks hideous" said the first friend

"Yeah, the interior looks even worse" says the second

The man, still feeling confident in his build, decides that he is going to redecorate...

I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

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Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking

An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the F...

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

What did the flashlight say to the darkness?

**"Lighten up."**

My wife hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

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WTF? Anal bleaching !

Normally I'd be against such a thing, but some assholes just need to lighten up.

A prisoner is put to death row today.

A guard is tasked with operating the electric chair on a prisoner. He tries to lighten the mood by telling a joke to the prisoner, then he flips the switch.

The prisoner survives the shocks, and guard wonders what went wrong.

"Your joke had a decent premise," says the prisoner. "But th...

A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at a restaurant, eating, alone.

A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at a restaurant, eating, alone, at the table next to his.

Suddenly, she sneezes and a glass eye flies out of its socket!

With his lightening fast reflexes, as it hurtled past the man, he catches it from mid air and hands it back to the lady.

...

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

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I once Threw a lamp at my sister....

And told her to Lighten the Fuck up

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I was at the principals office today.

Mom: Why?

Me: I threw a lamp at the depressed kid and told him to lighten up.

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

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Dog walks into a bar

The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The dog doesn’t say anything, because dogs can’t talk.

The bartender realizes that trying to have a conversation with a dog is a sign that something might be going wrong with him mentally, so he goes to see a therapist. The therapist diagnoses him wit...

Extra: Aussie man reprimanded by judge for eating candy and nuts in her courtroom.

Defense: "c'mon Judy, lighten up.. it's just my trial mix"

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Called into HR at work

I recently got called into a meeting with HR in my workplace. They wanted to discuss my incident with another co worker involving a dare where I threw a lamp at them and yelled "Lighten the fuck up".

I told them straight up it was a dare and not all my own doing.

HR asked me, "so who'...

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I see people disliking black hole

If it was bleached then maybe they would like it

Then again, some ass holes need to lighten up

To everybody that takes black jokes so seriously...

Maybe you should lighten up a little.

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are walking in the desert...

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are walking in the desert after a plane crash. To lighten the mood the brunette suggests a game of 'make a wish'. The redhead goes first and wishes for a never ending glass of water so that they'll never get thirsty on their journey. The brunette goes next and say...

Actual Russian Joke

Four Russians were being pulled in a sleigh by a team of horses in the dead of winter when they noticed a pack of wolves had started chasing them and were slowly gaining.

They knew they needed to lighten the sled so they drew straws and the one with the shortest straw blessed Russia and leapt...

A German, a Russian, and a Syrian are in a life raft ...

The raft is slowly sinking and the 3 castaways are afraid it will sink before they are rescued, so they start looking around for things they can dispose of to lighten the load.

The Russian takes a case of fine Vodka, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty of that in my country."
...

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Help my boy laugh through his urology appointment!

I need every (non-sexual) ball and dick joke you can think of. My 8-year-old is at a urology appointment and is nervous. I’m lightening the mood.

Stuff like “what’s the difference between a snow man and snow woman? Snow balls”

Thanks in advance!

A Baker, a Brickmaker, and a bombmaker are on a plane when one of the engines fail

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb.

The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking ...

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who managed to get the most out of their computer.

This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. God said, "cool it. I'm going to set up a test that will run for two hours, after which I will judge who has done the better job."

So they sat at their keyboards and typed away.

They moused away.

The...

Need a joke about a refrigerator for work

I work in a refrigerator manufacturing plant and am giving a presentation next week. I would like to start out the presentation with a joke to lighten the mood. Anyone have any short, clean jokes about refrigerators?

Two friends are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says: "YES...NO...YES....NO...YES...NO..."

It is a big company where the boss is an English man.The deputy manager an Iyengar requested for leave for performing "purattasi sanikkizhamai puja".The boss called him and asked him to bring the concerned leave file,Going through the file the boss told him he has not took leave last year for this p...

A priest, an Army Man, and a Teacher

A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade.
The helicop...

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After a date at the bars, a girl invites her date home...

Once home, she decides to try to lighten the mood and send some signals.

She also remembers him mentioning that he likes jokes so she asks, "How is a warm cabin, a short gangster and a horny girl the same yet different?"

*Her date shrugs*

"One's a little homey, the other's a l...

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

I was feeling down the other day, so I threw some bleach over my Muslim friend...

I thought it'd lighten Mahmood.

Knock knock

Why does r/Jokes feel like r/gatekeeping?

This should be a place for people with a sense of humour, if you don't like the joke don't upvote.

The simple jokes here and in the comments (where the best jokes often are) brighten my day and lighten the load of life.

There are not goi...

Doug was playing poker with some friends

As the night went on, he noticed the mood at the table was getting tense, so he decided to lighten the atmosphere a bit. As the next round started, and everyone else put their ante chips in, Doug reached into the snack tray and tossed a handful of potato chips into the pot.

"What the hell are...

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Engineer in Hell

There was a engineer who went to heaven, but when he got to the gates, St. Peter told him that he wasn't on the list and sent him to Hell. Thinking he'd spend his whole eternal life in Hell, the engineer decided to try and make it a better place.

Seeing as Hell was really hot, the engineer bu...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man play golf

On the tenth hole Moses hits the ball first but the ball cuts and heads towards the pond, quickly Moses jams his club into the ground and the water parts and the ball lands on the bottom of the pond on dry ground.

Next Jesus goes and likewise the ball heads towards the pond but as it hits the...

My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.

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My dad went to play golf...

On a sunny Saturday afternoon and was randomly paired up with a priest. On the first hole, dad missed a three foot putt for par and said to himself "G*d damn it, I missed!"

The priest said to him "My son, please do not take the lord's name in vain."

On the second hole, my dad missed a...

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Anal bleach...

For that asshole in your life that just needs to lighten the fuck up...

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(NSFW) The Anatomy Class

Some medical students attends an anatomy class and today's subject is involuntary muscle contractions. The professor tries to lighten the mood in the class by asking:


"Do you know what your asshole is doing, while you are orgasming?"


-“Yes”, says one of the female students, “He...

Three men die with a smile on their faces.

The Vicar (V) speaks with the widows (W*) of the deceased men during the service. He walks up to the first widow.

V: “What happened to your husband?”

W1: “Well we always dreamed of winning the lottery and we finally won after 15 years of playing. He suffered a heart attack but died ha...

A black friend of mine...

...said he's thinking of bleaching his skin. Said our society is tilted in favor of the white man. He's tired of being downtrodden. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I told him to lighten up.

A man goes on vacation...

And has his brother watch his beloved cat while he's away.

He calls his brother when he lands and asks about the cat his brother says "oh the cat died."

Devastated the man says "well next time couldn't you lighten the blow a bit?"

His brother asks how

He says "well maybe ...

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A priest and his buddy are having a shooting competition down at the range...

The priest went first. He aimed his rifle and shot at the target, hitting a perfect bullseye. His friend went next, aimed, and fired way off course, missing the target completely. He angrily exclaims, "Shit, I missed!"

The priest, upon hearing this, warns his friend, telling him "You better w...

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I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.

Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be behe...

So a rich Blonde is...

Flying over the Everglades when her private jet has a malfunction and crashes.

Having survived the crash she graps her designer bag, puts on her $1000 shoes and stumbles over to the exit where the captain is opening the door.

taking one look over the wild swamp outside she first looks...

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The rabbit, the bear, and the wish granting frog (My first post, please be gentle)

A rabbit was sitting in the forest straining to expel the demons caused from a bad meal he had eaten the night before, when he heard a rustling in the bush not far from him. Knowing he was near the bottom of the food chain, he tried to hurry it up.

Just as the rabbit finished his business, ...

A Mexican, Asian, black, and white guy

are traveling in a plane when suddenly one of the engines gives out. They agree they need to lighten the load in order to land safely.

The Mexican takes out a taco and says, "we have enough of these in our country" and throws it overboard.

The Asian takes a bag of rice and says "we h...

On a plane ride to South Africa.

A flight going from Cairo to Johannesburg was about half-way through their trip. Out of the blue, the captain made a startling announcement,

"Folks, it seems as though we are having some engine troubles. Now please remain calm, and we'll have an update in 15 minutes."

Obviously everyon...

A priest wants to know how he can become a better priest..

.. so he asks the bishop. The bishop had only two points to make.


"Eat healthy and exorcise daily"


(Just thought of this on the can, is there any ways I can improve on it? Or do you know of any similar jokes to lighten up my day?)

I've never understood people who don't drink because it's "bad for you"

Honestly, I think they should lighten up and liver little.

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**LONG** A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks into a bar and has a seat. "What can I get for you?" the bartender asks. "Vodka, but I'll take the whole bottle." He replies.
"Something wrong?"
"Yeah, I have a problem with my horses. I want to train one of them to be a race horse and one to be a work horse but they look the s...

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A guy is waiting at the hospital for his wife to give birth.

After many hours, the doctor comes out with a baby in his hands.
Suddenly he drops it!
Guy who just became a father goes ballistic!
The doctor picks up a baby, and throws it against the wall!
"What the fuck are you doing?! Are you insane?!" Says the father tearing up in rage. ...

Topical Jokes (5/20)

Welcome back, everybody! We've got some more news and, thus, more jokes. Let's get started.

Right off the bat, more on President Obama. Following a week of scandals, President Obama played golf with Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. Things got a little tense when Obama had IRS agents audit...

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A Pirate and his parrot are set adrift by their crew...

for trying to steal the loot. The pirate pulls a small lamp from his pocket. He looks at it for a moment before thinking "ahh, why not" and giving it a brisk rub. Sure enough, a genie pops out.
"Hmm... set adrift, huh?" says the genie. "Been a bad boy? For that I can give you only one wish." Wi...

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