Lifted Jokes - 31 Hilarious Lifted Jokes

At the last supper Jesus lifted the bread and spoke, "This is my body."

He then lifted the wine and said, "This is my blood."

He lifted a jar of mayo...

Peter: "Okay, that's enough!"

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

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A Japanese tourist had been learning English conversation. However, as soon as he landed at an American airport, he collapsed. A doctor rushed to the scene and lifted the Japanese man up. "How are you?"

The Japanese answered in a hoarse voice.
"I'm fine thank you, and you?

Had an embarrassing moment earlier. Farted really loudly when I lifted something heavy....

Had to apologise to the guy at the next urinal.

Guns N’ Roses got their tour bus lifted

Axl Rose

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All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?

Because if it lifted up two, it would fall over

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A truck driver stopped and lifted a prostitute

While on the highway, she was giving him a BJ and just when he was going to finish he twitched and accidentaly flipped the truck causing a huge wreckage and his dick falling off and flying away.

On the other side of the road came a car with a dad and his 10 year old daughter. Out of the blue ...

They lifted there blades, in one last final assault...

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. Wielding naught but rags and broken tools after their endless nightmare, they saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

One last...

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How freshmen lifted a tank in the Russian army

Captain orders his group of freshmen to go underneath the tank and lift it by pushing the bottom of it with legs.

- But Captain, it's a tank?!

Freshmen asked surprised. But Captain was serious, it was an order after all.

So they get under the tank and start pushing it.

...

At a girls' boarding school, a WW2 flying ace has been invited to give the Prize Day address

"I was flying along in my Spitfire, and visibility was poor, but all of a sudden the fog lifted, and I saw these fokkers coming up behind me. I dived on them and shot two of the fokkers down, then did a quick roll, but there was a little fokker right on my tail, and I had to ..."

At this poi...

As soon as the stay at home order is lifted...

I’m going to turn in all my bottle returns and buy a yacht

I let go a silent fart in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...

Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time

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Legless parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

Anyone planning on attending their non-conformist church now that COVID restrictions are lifted?

Remember to bring your mask. Always practice safe sects.

...I'll see myself out.

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again.

Wtf, where is his wheelchair?!

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A traveling salesman stopped at a remote hillbilly bar for a beer. As he sat at the bar, the bartender shouted “Showtime!”

A wrinkled old man stepped into a spotlight, dropped his pants, pulled out a huge dick, and shattered three walnuts. Then he bowed and disappeared.

Five years later, the salesman came by again and it was the very same thing.

Another five years go by; the salesman stopped at the bar. A...

Do you know what happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado?

It was an udder disaster.

What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?

That would be soda pressing.

After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders

After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...

Do you know why flamingos always lift one leg while standing?

Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall over.

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The TSA has lifted a law banning sexual acts on public airlines.

When it comes to what people want; they finally started giving a flying fuck.

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

As we all stood over my grandmother's coffin, my father lifted her head and put a pillow underneath.

"It was...her favourite pillow," wept my mother suddenly.

"That offers her little comfort now," I replied.

I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk!

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!

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After I lifted my toilet seat I found an ant on the rim of the bowl.

I really pissed him off.

Malicious compliance that isn't.

The following is a true story.

When I was young, I wanted a glass of orange juice. I was used to the stuff with the pulp in it. Going to the kitchen where my mother was already located, I got a glass, pulled out the carton of OJ, screwed off the top, lifted the carton, filled my glass, put th...

What is it a man does standing, a woman does sitting and a dog does with one leg lifted?

Shake hands

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