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Kneaded Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

Why don’t pretzels ever go out of style?

Because they are usually kneaded

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

I saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread!

[cetacean kneaded]

Why did the baker have brown fingers?

Coz he kneaded a poo.

What is a baker’s favorite song by “The Cars”?

“Just What I Kneaded”

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

I got a new job at a bakery.

I took the job because I kneaded the dough.

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

I once worked at a cheap pizzeria to get by.

I kneaded the dough.

Why did the baker become a theif?

Because he kneaded the dough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

What did the baker say when he found his lost dough?

That’s exactly what I kneaded!

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What is he happy about?

All the things he didn't know he kneaded.




Edit: Thought about it more. Initial phrasing was to bait out "happy ending" responses, but I feel like this would probably be better:

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What was he surprised by?

How much was knead...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is studying to become a massage therapist

All she wants to do is study and practice. I’ve got to cook, I’ve got to clean, it’s tough.

But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

Everything is depressing, so you turns to making bread.

A friend came around and sees what you’re doing.
“Hey, nice bread”
You smiles feeling better.
“Thanks, I kneaded that”

A hero made of dough wasn't the hero we wanted...

He was the hero we kneaded.

Why couldn’t the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?

He kneaded the dough

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

Why did Papa John sue Papa John's?

He kneaded the dough.

I really want to make a joke about unfinished dough

But its not kneaded.

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